Worm back in hole

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

UNIX Man (to ‘Nowhere Man’)

A Beatle’s Computer ParodyUnix Man——–He’s a real UNIX ManSitting in his UNIX LANMaking all his UNIX .plansFor nobody.Knows the blocksize from du(1)Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn’t he a bit like youAnd me?UNIX Man, please listen(2)My lpd(8) is missin’UNIX ManThe wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. He’s as wise as he can beUses lex and yacc and CUNIX Man, can you help meAt all?UNIX Man, don’t worryTest with time(1), don’t hurry UNIX ManThe new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He’s a real UNIX ManSitting in his UNIX LANMaking all his UNIX .plansFor nobody …Making all his UNIX .plansFor nobody.

Why Beer Is Better Than Woman

– You can enjoy a beer all month.

– Beer stains wash out.

– You don’t have to wine and dine a beer.

– Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.

– When beer goes flat you toss it out.

– Beer is never late.

– HANGOVERS go away.

– A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

– Beer labels come off without a fight.

– When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

– Beer never has a headache.

– After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.

– A beer won’t get upset if you come home with beer on your
breath.

– If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.

– You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.

– A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.

– You can share a beer with your friends.

– You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.

More Answering Machines

My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.

Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right…real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator’s voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

(Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you’ve reached 555-3456. John is in (sigh) Oh no, he’s out (aah) Yes, he’s in again, (ooh) No he’s out (aah) Why don’t you just leave your name and number and he’ll call you as soon as he…comes.

Church Bell Blues

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving
card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed
the card to her small grandchildren, observing, “The pilgrim children liked to
go to church with their mothers and fathers.” “Oh, yeah?” her grandson replied,
“so why is their dad carrying that rifle?”

Cowboy?

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink
she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?” He
replied, “Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows,
breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am.”

After a short time the Cowboy asked the girl, “… and what are you”? She
replied, “I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in
the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything
seems to make me think of women.”

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A
couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”; To which
he replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a
lesbian.”