Category: one liners

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he
has no dick.

DOCTOR: Don’t worry you’ll live to be eighty.

PATIENT: It’s my eightieth birthdday tomorrow.

DOCTOR: There. What did I tell you?

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

Never put off till tomorrow what you can easily do the day after.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all
that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
“Body, how’d you like to go to the nine o’clock class in vigorous
toning?” Clear as a bell my body said, “listen bitch… do it and you
die.”

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?

Lazy!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

People don’t judge your generosity by the amount of Advise you give away.

Have you heard about the elephant with diarrhea?

It’s all over town!

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.

I know somewere inside of me there is a sober man trying to get out.
A six pack usually shuts him up.