Category: one liners

Just when you thought you were winning the rat race
along come faster rats.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father’s Day was.
‘Easy,’ I answered. ‘It’s nine months before Mother’s Day.’

If my son is getting half as much out of university as the university is getting out of me, he’ll be a success.

Father’s Day was both a joy and a worry as my kids were growing up. I was always afraid they were going to give me a present that I couldn’t afford.

I’ve got three TVs, cable and a satellite dish; I have three phone lines into the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager. I use two computers, three ISPs and a fax machine. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch the news on every channel every evening. And my kids have the nerve to tell me I’m out of touch.

With divorce and remarriage so common these days, pity the poor kids. Most of them know what to buy for Father’s Day they just don’t know which ‘Father’ to give it to.

Neither of my kids ever understood my logic. Both of them failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.

A friend of mine had five kids.
When the youngest finally turned 16 and was the last one left at home, my friend posted a sign on the kid’s bedroom door: check-out time is 18.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

You’re driving me Nucking Futs!

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before your boss does.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car….

I’m convinced that in a past life I was somebody named Occupant, and
they’re still forwarding my mail.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Moonlight becomes you – total darkness even more!

Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.

Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

No one will ever know that you’ve had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig to
hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering.

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years
old before you learned how to wave good-bye.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?

A lickalotapuss.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

He’ll tell you.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis