Category: one liners

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are on dead people.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

I love cats … they taste just like chicken.

You don’t have to swim faster than the shark,
just faster than the guy next to you.

Height of Patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.Height of Innocence: A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest.Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.Height of Technology: A condom with a zip.Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his arse is itching.

Wit and wisdom on the dunny walls of the world:Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men.- Women’s toilet, Dewey Beach, Delaware.The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breastplate open.- Women’s toilet, Champaign, Illinois.Beauty is only a light switch away.- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. – Houghton Library, Harvard, Cambridge, Massachusetts.God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? – The Irish Times, Washington DC.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.- Baton Rouge, Louisiana.At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.- Tucson, Arizona.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. – Men’s toilet, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.A Women’s Rule of Thumb – if it has tyres or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. – Women’s toilet, Dallas, Texas.Jesus Saves, but wouldn’t it be better if he had invested?- Men’s toilet, American University, Washington DC.Express Lane: Five beers or less.- Sign over one of the urinals, Phoenix, Arizona.You’re too good for him.- Sign over mirror in women’s toilet, Beverly Hills, California.No wonder you always go home alone.- Sign over mirror in men’s toilet, Beverly Hills, California.If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armand’s Pizza, Washington DC.To do is to be – Descartes To be is to do – Sartre Do be do be do – Frank Sinatra – Men’s toilets, Scottsdale, Arizona.It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. – Written in dust on back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.Make love, not war – hell, do both, get married!- Women’s toilet, Bozeman, Montana.If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.- Revolution Books, New York.

I often get into trouble because I misplace things.

Like the last time I was in a bar, I got a black eye because I misplaced my hand on a girl’s knee.

A camel is a horse designed by committee.

A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec.

Trust no one in times of crisis.

What can a girl put behind her ears to make her sexy?Her knees.

Those of you who think you know everything
are annoying those of us who do.