Category: one liners

Slogans for women’s T-shirts:� I’m out of estrogen – I have a gun.� Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?� I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.� Next mood swing: six minutes.� And your point is?� I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.� I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.� Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.� Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.� Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?� I’m multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.� Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.� You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP� All stressed out and no one to choke.� I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.� How can I miss you if you won’t go away?� Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.� Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.

11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbor’s Pentium.

Beat the 5 o’clock rush – Leave work at noon!

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow-job?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

“There is no substitute for good manners…except fast reflexes.”

You will be cursed: all your children will look like you.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather did … not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Murphy was an optimist.

Tonto and the Lone Ranger had a falling out… because the Lone Ranger discovered that “Kimosabee” actually means… “asshole!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

He who laughs, lasts.

Air pollution is when your city is hit by a blizzard, and three weeks later, the snow still hasn’t fallen to the ground.