Category: one liners

Q: What is the difference between a midwife and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Friends don’t let friends drink Miller.

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?She gets her ass chewed out.

Marine Corps Sniper. You can run but you’ll just die tired.

On a hairdryer: ‘Do not use while sleeping.’ On a bag of chips: `You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.’ On a bar of soap: ‘Directions: use like regular soap.’ On some frozen dinners: ‘Serving suggestion: defrost.’ On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: ‘Fits one head.’ On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): ‘Do not turn upside down.’ On packaged Bread Pudding: ‘Product will be hot after heating.’ On packaging for an iron: ‘Do not iron clothes on body.’ On children’s cough medicine: ‘Do not drive car or operate machinery.’ On sleep aid: ‘Warning: may cause drowsiness.’ On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: ‘For indoor or outdoor use only.’ On peanuts: ‘Warning: contains nuts.’On a packet of nuts: ‘Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.’ On a Swedish chainsaw: ‘Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.’ On a child’s Superman costume: ‘Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.’

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are
they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

A Father is a man with pictures in his wallet, where he used to keep his money when he was single.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?

An armadildo.

ArizonaYOU KNOW YOU’RE IN ARIZONA WHEN:- You’ve signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can’tremember the name of the incumbent.- You notice your car overheating before you drive it.- You can say Hohokam and people don’t think you’re laughing funny.- You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.- You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in theSalt River.- You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.- You can say 115 degrees without fainting.- You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over100 degrees.- You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.- You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive yourcar.- You can make sun tea instantly.- You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can useyour fireplace.- You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead ofdistance.- You realize that Valley Fever isn’t a disco dance.- Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.- You can pronounce the words: “Saguaro”, “Tempe”, “Gila Bend”, “SanXavier”, “Canyon de Chelly”, “Mogollon Rim”, “Cholla”, andTlaquepaque”.- It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one personis moving on the streets.- You actually burn your hand opening the car door.- Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkoutcounter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it justto go to Circle K.- Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other foolswill actually buy them.- Hot air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotterthan the air inside.- No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.- You can understand the reason for a town named “Why.”

YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN ARIZONA WHEN:

– You’ve signed so many petitions to recall governors that you can’t
remember the name of the incumbent.

– You notice your car overheating before you drive it.

– You can say Hohokam and people don’t think you’re laughing funny.

– You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.

– You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the
Salt River.

– You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.

– You can say 115 degrees without fainting.

– You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour and it will be over
100 degrees.

– You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.

– You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your
car.

– You can make sun tea instantly.

– You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use
your fireplace.

– You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.

– You realize that Valley Fever isn’t a disco dance.

– Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

– You can pronounce the words: “Saguaro”, “Tempe”, “Gila Bend”, “San
Xavier”, “Canyon de Chelly”, “Mogollon Rim”, “Cholla”, and
Tlaquepaque”.

– It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person
is moving on the streets.

– You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

– Sunscreen is sold year round, kept at the front of the checkout
counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just
to go to Circle K.

– Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools
will actually buy them.

– Hot air balloons can’t go up, because the air outside is hotter
than the air inside.

– No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.

– You can understand the reason for a town named “Why.”

The offices were very nice, and the clients were only raping the land, and
then, of course, there was the money..