Category: one liners

Why is a degree like a condom?

It’s rolled up when you get it, it represents a lot of effort, and it’s worthless the next day!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

When in doubt, ignore it.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.

WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?

MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Wit and wisdom on the dunny walls of the world:

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men.
– Women’s toilet, Dewey Beach, Delaware.

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breastplate open.
– Women’s toilet, Champaign, Illinois.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
– Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
– Houghton Library, Harvard, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
– The Irish Times, Washington DC.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
– Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
– Tucson, Arizona.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
– Men’s toilet, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

A Women’s Rule of Thumb – if it has tyres or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
– Women’s toilet, Dallas, Texas.

Jesus Saves, but wouldn’t it be better if he had invested?
– Men’s toilet, American University, Washington DC.

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
– Sign over one of the urinals, Phoenix, Arizona.

You’re too good for him.
– Sign over mirror in women’s toilet, Beverly Hills, California.

No wonder you always go home alone.
– Sign over mirror in men’s toilet, Beverly Hills, California.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armand’s Pizza, Washington DC.

To do is to be – Descartes
To be is to do – Sartre
Do be do be do – Frank Sinatra
– Men’s toilets, Scottsdale, Arizona.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
– Written in dust on back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war – hell, do both, get married!
– Women’s toilet, Bozeman, Montana.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
– Revolution Books, New York.

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds,
and the pessimist fears this is true.

Why isn’t there a tax on stuff I don’t like?

You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Reasons it’s good to be a manMovie nudity is virtually always female.You know stuff about tanks.Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.You can open all your own jars.When clicking through TV channels, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.You can go to the bathroom without a support group.You can kill your own food.The garage is all yours.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.The National College Cheer leading Championship.If you’re 34 and single, nobody notices.You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.You can be President.Flowers fix everything.You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.You can wear a white shirt to a water park.You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.The world is your urinal.You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.You get to jump up and slap stuff.One mood, all the time.You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.Same work… more pay.You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.You don’t cry off others’ desserts.If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.The remote is yours and yours alone.People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.Bachelor parties beat the shit over bridal showers.You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.There is always a game on somewhere.You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.You think the idea of punting a small cat is funny.If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: ‘So… notice anything different?’Baywatch.The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.All your orgasms are real.

What do gay termites eat?

Wood Peckers.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.