Category: one liners

Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A. Quarter-pounder with cheese

“Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!””This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!””This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!””Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.””They told me at the blood bank this might happen.””Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.””This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.””Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper””I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!””This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!””I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance””It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?””Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!””I was working smarter-not harder.””Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.””I’m in the management training program.””Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.””Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!””Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!””It’s okay… I’m still billing the client.”And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:”…and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!”

Q. Why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?

A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo and Tantilazing

Why do men get married?

So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom.

“Tell me,” he said to her, “are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Funniest One LinersDepression is merely anger without enthusiasmEagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet enginesEarly bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseI’m not cheap, but I am on special this weekI almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we metI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterolI intend to live forever – so far, so goodI love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravyIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 StatesQuantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made ofSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people haveThe only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

Does killing time damage eternity?

He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.

I don’t use Listerine. They say it kills germs on contact
and I don’t like the idea of things dying in my mouth.