Category: news of the weird

• 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
• Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
• For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Great Dames for sale.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
• Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
• Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.
• Illiterate? Write today for free help.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue cross and salary.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

This is a REAL recipe for a rather tasty, but disgusting looking cake.Ingredients: 1 18.5-ounce package spice cake mix 1 18.5-ounce package white cake mix 2 4-serving packages instant vanilla pudding mix 1 12-ounce box vanilla wafer cookies, crushed 6 to 10 Tootsie Rolls Confectioner’s sugar 1 brand-new kitty litter pan 1 brand-new plastic pooper scooper Green food coloring Plastic flies (optional) Prepare the cakes and pudding according to package directions. Crumble the baked cake into the kitty litter pan, then add the pudding and mix. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of the cookie crumbs and set aside; mix the rest into the pan. Soften the Tootsie Rolls by placing in the micro- wave for 10 seconds on high and shape to resemble cat droppings. Arrange the Tootsie Rolls on top of the cookie-pudding cake mixture; sprinkle all with green cookie crumbs. Decorate with plastic flies, if desired. Serve with pooper scooper.

Some 1999 predictions made in December 1998 by Supermarket Tabloid psychics, as collected by “Skeptical Inquirer” magazine: *”Marijuana will replace petroleum as America’s chief source of energy.” *”The Roseanne Show” will do a week of shows at a nudist colony.” *”Wynonna Judd will become a female wrestler.”

Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown.

Seen on a Holiday Inn in Hyannis Mass-“Sleep with someone you know”Seen on barn in Hooper, Utah:”Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again!””Is there life after death? Trespass here will find out.”At a home cookin’ restaurant in Oklahoma:”The best piece of chicken you’ll ever get without being a rooster”On a BUMPER STICKER:I may be fatBut You’re Uglyand I can dietAt an ATM machine, the sign said, “If you are blind, please use the Braille keys”.Sign seen on a main road in downtown Baghdad:”NO BARKING HERE”(It turns out that the Iraqis pronounce their Ps as Bs;) A sign at a hospital for people with Hemorrhoids, reads:”All deliveries made in rear”I’ve been playing sign games since my dad got his first car in 1940. Recently I saw this one:Free wood for sale.On the I-5 North freeway in San Diego, the California Department of Transportation has kindly erected a sign for the nautically challenged:”Cruise Ships Use Airport Exit”There used to be a sign I’d see while driving down New York Avenue in D.C., but the facility isn’t there anymore; they must’ve moved.DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA SPAY/NEUTER CLINICDepartment of Human ServicesIn this building you can smoke every other day.Today you can’t smoke.

This actually appears on the coffee cup that is purchased in our cafeteria (only in Portland, folks — and Jokeindex.com knows this IS real, something to do with a McDonald’s lawsuit?):Whoa! Contents may be HOT. Of course its hot. It’s coffee. If you wanted cold coffee you would have asked for cold coffee, and if you didn’t ask for cold coffee and we gave it to you anyway, well that wouldn’t be very good either, so we really have no choice but to print one of these warning things telling you it’s hot, but we also realize that if you’re smart enough to buy K&F coffee, you’re probably smart enough to wait a few minutes or put some cream in it or something, and even if you didn’t and you’ve already read this far, chances are your coffee is just about the right temperature to drink now, but be careful anyway. Thanks. K&F Select Coffee.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize the money was really yours in the first place.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a totally serious bummer.

Decaflon: (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.

And

The Pick of the literature: (phrase)

is

Ignoranus: A person who’s a stupid asshole.

and mine is

Prick of the litter: (phrase) The worst of a group of Ignoranuses

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed $3407.He packaged up his payment & included this letter:Dear IRS:Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the ”Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a ”1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and ”screwdrivers.” Sincerely,I. Getscrewed Everyear

What do you call it when something happens that’s the exact opposite of what you’d expect? We know there’s a word for it, but, ironically, we can’t think of it right now. Anyway, there seems to be a whole lot of it popping up in the news these days. See for yourself:

AmeriDebt has filed for bankruptcy.

The forest where Smokey the Bear was found in 1950 has gone up in flames.

At Woodlawn High School in Woodlawn, Md., two people were arrested and 11 students were suspended when a brawl broke out during an anger management assembly.

The National Weather Service postponed a tornado drill in Florida because of bad weather.

A meeting to decide if the town of Deal, England, needs a larger school was post-poned because the school was too small to hold the people who wanted to attend the meeting.

Dearest creature in creation,Study English pronunciation.I will teach you in my verseSounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.I will keep you, Suzy, busy,Make your head with heat grow dizzy.Tear in eye, your dress will tear.So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.Just compare heart, beard, and heard,Dies and diet, lord and word,Sword and sward, retain and Britain.(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)Now I surely will not plague youWith such words as plaque and ague.But be careful how you speak:Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;Cloven, oven, how and low,Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.Hear me say, devoid of trickery,Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,Exiles, similes, and reviles;Scholar, vicar, and cigar,Solar, mica, war and far;One, anemone, Balmoral,Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;Gertrude, German, wind and mind,Scene, Melpomene, mankind.Billet does not rhyme with ballet,Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.Blood and flood are not like food,Nor is mould like should and would.Viscous, viscount, load and broad,Toward, to forward, to reward.And your pronunciation’s OKWhen you correctly say croquet,Rounded, wounded, grieve and sleeve,Friend and fiend, alive and live.Ivy, privy, famous; clamourAnd enamour rhyme with hammer.River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,Doll and roll and some and home.Stranger does not rhyme with anger,Neither does devour with clangour.Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,And then singer, ginger, linger,Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.Query does not rhyme with very,Nor does fury sound like bury.Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.Though the differences seem little,We say actual but victual.Refer does not rhyme with deafer.Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.Mint, pint, senate and sedate;Dull, bull, and George ate late.Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,Science, conscience, scientific.Liberty, library, heave and heaven,Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.We say hallowed, but allowed,People, leopard, towed, but vowed.Mark the differences, moreover,Between mover, cover, clover;Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,Chalice, but police and lice;Camel, constable, unstable,Principle, disciple, label.Petal, panel, and canal,Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,Senator, spectator, mayor.Tour, but our and succour, four.Gas, alas, and Arkansas.Sea, idea, Korea, area,Psalm, Maria, but malaria.Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.Doctrine, turpentine, marine.Compare alien with Italian,Dandelion and battalion.Sally with ally, yea, ye,Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.Say aver, but ever, fever,Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.Heron, granary, canary.Crevice and device and aerie.Face, but preface, not efface.Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.Large, but target, gin, give, verging,Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.Ear, but earn and wear and tearDo not rhyme with here but ere.Seven is right, but so is even,Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.Pronunciation — think of Psyche!Is a paling stout and spikey?Won’t it make you lose your wits,Writing groats and saying grits?It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,Islington and Isle of Wight,Housewife, verdict and indict.Finally, which rhymes with enough –Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?Hiccough has the sound of cup.My advice is to give up!!!Author: G. Nolst Trenite

This is probably the most honest “friendship” poem ever penned…When you are sad,………….I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard/bitch who made you sad.When you are scared,……… I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get.When you are worried,………I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining.When you are confused,……..I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.When you are sick………I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god.When you fall……I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.This is my oath……………I pledge till the end. Why you may ask?…………..Because you’re my friend.

When a funeral parlor called Tom Mabe, an unemployed Louisville, Ky., musician, and tried to sell him a burial plan, Mabe decided to have some fun. He told the salesman he was waiting for a sign from God as to whether he should kill himself, and the funeral call was it. “You’re the angel of death, man,” he told the salesman. Unfazed, the funeral man said, “If we can get the paperwork out to you this afternoon, can you hold off killing yourself until tomorrow?”