Category: news of the weird

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Dear Kill 17,000 Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

“This is extremely serious. ” — Don Perry, of the Chick-fil-A fast-food chain, on Chick-fil-A’s suing Burger King because Burger King’s ad campaign, in which chickens hold up signs saying, “Save the Chickens: Eat a Whopper,” is similar to Chick-fil-A’s ad campaign, in which a cow urges consumers to “Eat Mor Chikin” (Chicago Sun�Times)

13. “Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported.”

12. “Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”

11. “We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”

10. “Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”

9. “Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”

8. “In Thursday’s edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message…”

7. “This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater.”

6. “Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”

5. “It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.'”

4. “Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”

3. “Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ‘slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”

2. “As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”

1. “Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.”

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

At a seminar called “Stress and Disease” by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you.When you have had one of those ‘Take This Job And Shove It’ days, try this:On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by “Q-tip”. Be sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says “every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, “I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company.”

In a recent discussion, two things were mentioned that were supposed to be seductive to a woman: — having a guy paint her toe-nails — being able to tie a knot in a cherry stem with one’s tongueThe person who brought these activities up was reluctant to elaborate, so I emailed and chat-roomed a number of women, asking if they would explain. The following is the results of this informal survey: The Toe-Nail Thing…- I do know that some women love having their feet played with (massaged, toe-painted, etc), but I’m not one of those since my feet are too ticklish.- On the funny side: it puts the male in a submissive position — Down on their hands and knees. (I don’t really think that is it… but it sounds good.)- as a guess… i think it would 1) make a woman feel special to have a man showing her such personal attention, 2) show her the tender, slow care he can provide, and 3) let her know he would do just about anything for her. I dunno… I guess on my part that’s how i would take it.- taking the time to paint a woman’s toenails supposedly demonstrates sensitivity and caring… In short, it’s foreplay.- You got me! LOL- Did you see the movie ”bull Durham”? One of the guys painted a woman’s toenails.- a guy that paints his lady’s toenails is someone who adores his lady.. know where i can get me one?- Some women have a toe fetish. It is one of the erogenous zones in some women. I’m one of them. That’s why the painted toenails… turns us on.- Well feet are very sensitive to the touch..and if you’re gentle enough..well its nice…good enough answer for ya??- It’s a cop out. It means she is too fat to bend over and paint them herself. – Never heard of it. Maybe it’s just being pampered by someone else that’s seductive.- I love to have attention paid to my feet, so that would explain liking one’s toe-nails being paintedThe Cherry-Stem Thing…- I figure it has something to do with being good with one’s tongue (I’m told I am), and the ”cherry” thing is just another reference to part of the female anatomy?- I asked another female here at work. She didn’t know either but thought that it probably related to certain sexual abilities.- As for the cherry stem, if you have to ask, you’ll never understand. *blush* I mean, what could you use your tongue for that requires THAT kind of dexterity and that even I would be too embarrassed to discuss!?- I think the old cliche about the cherry thing is your prowess in oral sex….- well …… the tying the knot in the cherry stem is pretty obvious …… that tells how talented you are with your tongue … I would say ……- something about the tongue movement.. i can do it… and it would turn you on….- I’m gonna be blunt here ok..so bear w/me… the cherry thing w/the tongue..well that just gives me the idea or thought of what else the tongue can do.. hehe- It’s very erotic…especially if I get to eat the cherry prior to the tongue tying ceremony – a very religious and sacred ceremony performed when one is whooing another. It’s just plain nutz!- If you can manage to pass that trait it does give indication of your umm errr durability … oh you know what I mean. Like to see if the tongue has the ”Proper” motion techniques. – The cherry stem thing has to do with having a flexible tongue (and I can tie one with mine). It’s the same question as ”Why do men get turned on watching a women eat an ice-cream cone or a banana?”- I can tie a knot in a cherry stem — haven’t done it in ages — it’s an old bar trick- the cherry stem thing… shows great tongue control… and we ALL know what that means…

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical ‘dihydrogen monoxide.’And for plenty of good reasons, since:1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting2. it is a major component in acid rain3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state4. accidental inhalation can kill you5. it contributes to erosion6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patientsHe asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided. Only one knew that the chemical was water.The title of his prize winning project was, ‘How Gullible Are We?’ He feels the conclusion is obvious.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that’s more like it!)The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)On average people fear spiders more than they do death.The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm…..)You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza everyday.Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you’re ambidextrous do you split the difference?)In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of…?) (Did the gov’t pay for this research??)Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew….?, Who cares!)The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (“Honey, I’m home. What the….”)Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig… quality over quantity!)Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, Geez!)Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight. (More, Oh Geez!)An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain. (I know some people like that.)Starfish don’t have brains. (I know some people like that too!)After reading all these, all I can say is.. “Damn Pigs”!!!

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted, “Don’t do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!” The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, “What would you do in a case like this?” The cabbie smiled, and said, “I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”

On a recent visited to a cemetery, I saw a dual tombstone where the husband had died, while the wife was still alive. It looked something like this: John Smith Born: July 12, 1926 Died: Feb 7, 1985 Mary Smith Born: July 12, 1926 Died: [ ], 19__She better die this year!

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there…I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

All of the following are said to be true stories. . . — you decide! — The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, ‘Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?’ Without missing a beat the controller replied, ‘Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.’ PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said ‘Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.’ The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation. A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high… San Jose Tower: ‘American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.’Tower: ‘Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.’ Eastern 702: ‘Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.’ Tower: ‘Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7… did you copy the report from Eastern?’ Continental 635: ‘Continental 635, cleared for takeoff… and yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.’

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out LiteracyAutos Killing 110 a Day–Let’s Resolve to Do Better20-Year Friendship Ends at AltarWar Dims Hope For PeaceIf Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While