Category: news of the weird

At this point, two things seem clear: It will be a very long time before David Phillips will have to pay for another airline ticket. And it will be even longer before the poor and homeless people in the Sacramento area will want to see another cup of chocolate pudding.Phillips, a civil engineer at UC-Davis, has become a cult hero in the obsessive subculture of people who collect frequent-flier miles by parlaying $3,150 worth of pudding into 1.2 million frequent flyer miles. Oh, yeah – he’s also going to claim an $815 tax write-off.Last May, Phillips was pushing his shopping cart down the frozen-food aisle of his local supermarket when a promotion on a Healthy Choice frozen entree caught his eye: He could earn 500 miles for every 10 Universal Product Codes bar-codes) from Healthy Choice products he sent to the company by Dec.31. Even better: Any bar codes mailed by the end of the month would rack up double the mileage, or 1,000 miles for every 10 labels.”I started doing the math, and I realized that this was a great deal,” he said. “I wanted to take my family to Europe this summer, and this could be the way.” Frozen entrees were about $2 apiece, but a few aisles away Phillips found cans of Healthy Choice soups at 90 cents each. He filled his cart with them, and then headed to his local Grocery Outlet, a warehouse-style discount store. And there he hit the mother lode.”They had individual servings of chocolate pudding for 25 cents a piece,” he said. “And each serving had its own bar code on it. I did some more math and decided to escalate my plans.”Phillips cleaned the store out – bought every last cup of pudding in the warehouse. He then asked the manager for the addresses of all the other Grocery Outlet in the Central Valley and, with his mother-in-law riding shotgun in his van, spent a weekend scouring the shelves of every store from Davis to Fresno. “There were 10 stores in all,” he said. “Luckily, most of them were right off the freeway.”He filled his garage to the rafters with chocolate pudding and stacked additional cases in his living room. But Phillips wasn’t finished yet – he had the manager of his local Grocery Outlet order him 60 more cases.”A few days later I went out behind the store,” he said, “and there were two whole pallets of chocolate pudding with my name on them.”All in all, he’d purchased 12,150 individual servings of pudding. Around this time, Phillips began to reveal his scheme to fellow readers of the Webflyer Web site http://www.flyertalk.comwww.flyertalk.com, where he posted an account under the name “Pudding Guy.” Phillips’ tale was met with skepticism, if not outright disbelief, until he uploaded photos of his haul. They’re still there, at: http://www.flyertalk.com/pudding.htmwww.flyertalk.com/pudding.htm http://www.flyertalk.com/photosfr.htm But then Pudding Guy discovered he had a problem on his hands: The deadline for earning double miles was quickly approaching, and there was simply no way Phillips and his wife could tear off all those bar codes in time.”I had to come up with something to do with all that pudding, fast” he said.Phillips trucked the pudding to two local food banks and the Salvation Army, which agreed to tear off the bar codes in exchange for the food donation.”We’d never seen anything like it,” said Larry Hostetler, community relations director for the Sacramento Salvation Army. “We’ve gotten some big donations, but always from companies and institutions, not individual people.”Phillips got his bar codes in the mail in time to beat the deadline, and then held his breath. The promotion specifically said I could get the miles for any Healthy Choice product,” he said. “But still, it seemed like there was a good chance they’d get me on some technicality.”But then packages – large packages – started arriving in the mail from Healthy Choice. In all, they contained 2,506 certificates, each good for 500 miles. That’s 1,253,000 miles.Under the terms of the promotion, Phillips could have the mileage posted in any airline account. He split 216,000 between his United, Delta and Northwest accounts and posted the rest – 1,037,000 miles – to his American Airlines account.By surpassing the million-mile mark, Pudding Guy now has AAdvantage Gold status for life, entitling him to a special reservations number, priority boarding, upgrades and bonus miles. While we talked on the phone, Pudding Guy did a little math – as you might have noticed by now, he’s very, very good at math – and figured out that scheme netted him enough miles for 31 round-trip coach tickets to Europe, or 42 tickets to Hawaii, or 21 tickets to Australia, or 50 tickets anywhere in the U.S.”Wow – 31 trips to Europe for a little over $3,000,” I said. “That’s less than $100 a ticket.””Oh, it’s better than that,” Phillips said. “Since I gave the pudding to charity I can take a tax write-off of $815. So that brings the cost of a ticket to Europe down to $75.” As it turns out, Pudding Guy didn’t donate all his stash to the food banks. He kept about 100 servings for himself, and he’s just about finished them.”Actually,” he said, “I really like the stuff.”

Internet FACTS!- The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. – A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.- The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.- A polar bear’s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.- Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.- Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.- More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.- Shakespeare invented the word “assassination” and “bump.”- Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Reportedly a true story:On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, South Africa; a middle-aged, visibly well-off white South African lady found herself sitting next to a well dressed black gentleman.She called the cabin attendant over to complain about her seating. ‘What seems to be the problem, Madam?’ asked the attendant. ‘Can’t you see?’ she loudly snapped, ‘You’ve sat me next to a Kaffir. I can’t possibly sit next to this disgusting man. Find me another seat!’ ‘Please try to be calm, Mam,’ the stewardess replied. ‘I believe the economy section is completely full today, but I’ll go and check to see if we have any upgraded seats available in club or first class.’The woman cocked a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (as well as many of the other nearby passengers). Minutes later the stewardess returned. ‘Mam, as I suspected, economy is full. I’ve spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.’ Before the lady had a chance to answer, the stewardess continued: ‘Please realize, it is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade. I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the extreme circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that one of our passengers should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person.’ The lady, cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin. With that, the stewardess turned to the black man and said: ‘So if you’d like to get your things, sir, I have your first-class seat ready for you…’ At which point, the surrounding passengers burst into a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane.

HOW TO WRITE GOODby Frank L. ViscoMy several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:1. Avoid alliteration. Always.2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat.)4. Employ the vernacular.5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.8. Contractions aren’t necessary.9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.10. One should never generalize.11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: ‘I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.’12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.13. Don’t be redundant; don’t more use words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.14. Profanity sucks.15. Be more or less specific.16. Understatement is always best.17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.20. The passive voice is to be avoided.21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no-one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: ‘George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night – so no-one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. ‘He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself.’

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proof-reading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

~~
Editor’s Note: I think I know that guy… except it isn’t true. See http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/fivedays.htm for the status of this urban ledgend.

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.

Some people know their shit while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit,sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don’t want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else.

Leaving Montreal, I decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.

I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall…………

Hi there, how is it going?

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn’t know what to say, so finally I say:

-Not bad…………

Then the voice says: So, what are you doing?

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: – Well, I’m going back east……………

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say:

Look, I’ll call you back–every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering

“Senior Managers” (aka “Big Wheels”) at the Maryland State Highway Administration are unclassified positions that require no testing or merit exams. This one fellow applied for a job as an assistant to a Senior Manager and did have to take an exam for the job.In the meantime though, the Senior Manager position itself opened up, because of a retirement. He applied for that, and was hired.Some time later, this same fellow got a letter in the mail advising him that he did not qualify for the position of the Assistant Senior Manager. The letter was signed by him, as part of his new duties. (He probably never read the documents he was signing)

In reviewing food groups, it has become apparent that appropriate food groups change with age. The Adult food groups have now been defined as: + Fat + Sugar + Caffeine + Alcohol.Which, by the way, makes an Irish Coffee the perfect breakfast!

Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just
remember, it could be worse!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with
an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

* A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence
and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Your day’s not so bad, is it?

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. We can pretty much guess that they are no longer employed there.

All believable, but un-verrified at this time. 22 November 1996 — Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, ‘Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?’ Without missing a beat the controller replied, ‘Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!’ 15 November 1996 — What the…?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said ‘Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first’. The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation! 8 November 1996 — Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his Approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: ‘American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.’ 1 November 1996 — Ouch! Western Airlines had a term for its second officers. The term was ‘GIB,’ which stood for, ‘Guy In Back.’ The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a ‘gib’ is a castrated tomcat. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying and about flying when he’s with a woman. 11 October 1996 — What Is That Thang? It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: ‘Malibu three-two-Charlie, you’re following a 727, one o’clock and three miles.’ Three-two-Charlie: ‘We’ve got him. We’ll follow him.’ KC Approach: ‘Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o’clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?’ Delta 105: (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): ‘Well … I’ve Got something down there. Can’t quite tell if it’s a Malibu or a Chevelle, though.’ 13 September 1996 — Mama Didn’t Raise No Fools! Unknown Aircraft: ‘I’m f–king bored!’ Air Traffic Control: ‘Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!’ Unknown Aircraft: ‘I said I was f–king bored, not f–king stupid!’ 6 September 1994 — Mmmm, Mmmm, Good! Tower: ‘Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.’ Eastern 702: ‘Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure … by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.’ Tower: ‘Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7 …did you copy the report from Eastern?’ Continental 635: ‘Continental 635, cleared for takeoff … and, yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified Eastern’s caterers.’ 28 June 1996 — No, That’s Not What I Said! O’Hare Approach Control: ‘United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound.’ United 329: ‘Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this … I’ve got that Fokker in sight.’