Category: news of the weird

12> How would you like to go live to the scene of the action?11> Can I buy you a dink? Wait — I’m sorry. Hey, Harry, will you please fix that damn cue card?!?10> Would you like to go back to my place to see if that really is the way it is?9> Wanna be tonight’s on-top story?8> I get off each night at 5:30, 6:30, and 11:30. Would you like to do the same?7> Baby, you’re a four-alarm fire, and I’m the man who’s gonna cover you until you’re collapsed, smoking, and wet all over.6> Forget Doppler 2000. Check out my Doppler Nine-and-a-half!5> How about giving me a little headline?4> I’m horny as hell, and I’m not gonna take it anymore!3> I put the ‘bed’ in embed!2> Tension has been building for days. For an on-the-scene report, I take you now live, down to my pants.1> Coming up in our next segment: my manly part! [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

A 20-year-old Texas man has been arrested after he stole a Coca-Cola delivery truck and filled it with stolen Pepsi. According to police, the man broke into a Corpus Christi warehouse and stole a Coke van, then drove next door to the Pepsi plant and took 47 cases from a locked Pepsi truck. Pepsi spokeswoman Julia Koch said, “Our guess is that he just liked Pepsi and figured he could sell it easier than Coke.”

The media, both entertainment and news, have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to responsibly own firearms for self-defense. Unfortunately, constant exposure to public image can affect self-image. That can be dangerous, whether the result is a woman who becomes anorexic or a woman who allows herself to be talked out of exercising her absolute right to effective personal protection.

This Armed Woman’s Attitude Test is offered in the hopes of putting some of the false images into a proper perspective. Please circle A, B, or C in answer to each question.

What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says, “The ultimate in feminine protection?”
A. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
B. Ultimate force equals ultimate personal protection.
C. A 9mm for “light days” and a .44 Magnum for “heavy days.

For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
A. All you’ll ever need.
B. Next to useless with nothing to back it up.
C. The signal to “Fire!”

The movie _Thelma_&_Louise_ was:
A. An insidious Hollywood plot to stamp out femininity and glorify mindless violence by women.
B. A female buddy film that included allegories of empowerment.
C. A training film.

What was technically wrong with the scene in Thelma & Louise where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
A. Real women would never do anything as tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche as pointing guns at a man, let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
B. There is no Texas State Police per se, but rather a Department of Public Safety that includes a Highway Patrol; they do not authorize the .45 1911 auto for carry except by Texas Rangers; the ammo on the officer’s belt was revolver cartridges in single loops, not appropriate auto pistol ammo in magazines.
C. The dumb broads left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the dashboards of the cruiser.

A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
A. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
B. Call the exterminator.
C. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.

You are discussing the depressing local crime statistics with your good-hearted neighbor, Ralph, who suggests that you buy a .25 caliber pistol for home defense. You reply:
A. “Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless macho sexist brute force!”
B. “An amusing suggestion, Ralph, but don’t you think it’s a little light for the purpose?”
C. “Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel stupid enough to give me wimpy advice like that!”

What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
A. “Yeech! It would be an obscene juxtaposition of the icon of death with the symbol of nurturing!”
B. “Uncomfortable and impractical, designed by males for females.”
C. “Not a bad idea, so long as it doesn’t get in the way when you reach for the MAC-10 sub-machinegun in your shoulder sling.”

Define “male.”
A. The first syllable of “malevolance,” which in turn is only one letter short of “male violence.”
B. An individual of the opposite sex.
C. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females, but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products as Mace and CapStun belong?
A. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and understanding, you won’t need nasty things like that.
B. At the lower-threat levels of the Use of Force Continuum.
C. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of Feminique.

You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife upraised. How many shots should you fire?
A. None. It would be better to die than sacrifice moral victory by using “his” kind of force.
B. As many shots as are necessary to stop the attack.
C. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, when is the next time you’ll get a chance like this to express yourself, and get in touch with your feelings?

Grading the Exam

If 8 or more (80 %) of your answers were “A,” it is time to check into a Reality Clinic. Perhaps the meek will inherit the earth, but only when the rest of us are done with it.

If 8 or more of your answers were “B,” welcome to the land of the well-adjusted adults who manage their own responsibilities with an appropriate level of power.

If 8 or more of your answers were “C,” don’t feel too bad. Society may not have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in _Bride_of_Rambo_.

In the beginning was the Plan And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form And the Plan was without substance And darkness was upon the face of the Workers And they spoke among themselves, saying, ‘It is a crock of shit, and it stinks.’ And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, ‘It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.’ And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, ‘It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.’ And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, ‘It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.’ And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, ‘It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.’ And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, ‘It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.’ And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, ‘This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.’ And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good and the Plan became Policy. And this is how shit happens.

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.”No,” his friend said, “it’s named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia.””Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?””A check.”

This is NOT a true story, but it’s a good read. . .A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President’s outer office. The Secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn’t deserve to be in Cambridge. She frowned. ”We want to see the President,” the man said softly.”He’ll be busy all day,” the secretary snapped.”We’ll wait,” the lady replied.For hours, the Secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn’t: and the Secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the President, even though it was a chore she always regretted. ”Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they’ll leave,” she told him. He sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn’t have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.The President, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, ”We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed and my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.”The President wasn’t touched, he was shocked. ”Madam,” he said gruffly. ”We can’t put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery’.”Oh, no,” the lady explained quickly. ”We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.”The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, ”A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard.”For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, ”Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don’t we just start our own?” Her husband nodded..The President’s face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.Mr.and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California, where they established the university that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

A Texan lands in Sydney for the Olympics, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches… They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed – “I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy”. The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn “Is this a road, or a track?” So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn’t help himself ….”Stupid grass hoppers!”

Real news snippetHagerstown, Md., Volunteer firefighter Andrew Ebner was heading home from battling a late-night fire when he noticed he was being followed. Then the driver of the truck tailing him fired three shotgun blasts at Ebner’s pickup truck, hitting the tailpipe and blowing out a window. Finally, Ebner stopped his truck along the country road. That’s when the shooter, Kenneth Ramsburg, realized he had the wrong guy. Ramsburg apologized, offered to pay for the damage and gave Ebner his business card. Then, police say, he drove 10 miles to a liquor store parking lot, where he found his intended victim and shot him in the leg.

REUTERS — A gang of Hong Kong muggers has been dubbed “The Ketchup Gang” because they squirt the condiment on victims’ clothes to distract them and then rob them. Officials say The Ketchup Gang is responsible for around 30 muggings in Hong Kong this year, including the case of a jeweler who was robbed of a suitcase containing more than $2 million.

A sign found posted outside a steakhouse: (picture of a pig) (picture of a cow) suspects wanted dead or medium rare

Title: Undescended Twinkies
Yield: 4 Servings

Ingredients

6 oz orange jell-o; (2 pkgs)
1 c ; boiling water
1/2 c pineapple juice
1 qt vanilla ice cream; softened
7 oz 7-up
8 twinkies

Instructions

Dissolve Jell-O in boiling water. Add pineapple juice, ice cream and
7-Up. Mix thoroughly (In a blender if necessary to dissolve ice
cream), and pour into a deep pan, approximately 9-inches square.
Chill until mixture begins to set. Lay Twinkies, flat side down, in
two rows of four across the top of the chilled gelatin. If the
gelatin is properly chilled, it will resist the Twinkies. You will
push them in and they will slowly rise. Remember you don’t want them
buried. Just semi-decended in the ooze. Chill until fully set and
serve.

LONDON (AP) — Saucy? The British? Yes, and keeping well abreast of the latest science, judging by a new exhibition of — er — underwear at London’s Design Museum. Here, the nation famed for its reserve has raised its hem, offering a peep at sheepskin corsets, barely-there cashmere vests and a glow-in-the-dark bra.Should all the titillation prove too much, there’s also a bra that detects a racing heartbeat and a pair of panties that protects against radiation. “This exhibit is a compelling statement about British design — but it’s also quite saucy,” said Dame Helena Kennedy, a leading lawyer and chairwoman of the British Council, which launched the show Wednesday.“The perception of British people as being strait-laced is no longer real,” Kennedy said. To prove it, the displays are almost as provocative as the garments. Vivienne Westwood’s blue sheepskin corset and ditzy, star-patterned mini-crinoline and Alexander McQueen’s pink satin corset crusted with black Swarovski crystal are suspended inside giant inflatable women’s legs in transparent plastic. Vacuum-packed thongs and Clements Ribeiro’s red silk chiffon panties with polka dots hang from pegs on a washline. Near the entrance, a mannequin sprawls seductively on her back, a vision in pink fishnet stockings and the briefest green teddy and panties by the aptly named Agent Provocateur.And everywhere there are bras to make even 1950s “sweater girl” Lana Turner envious — from Gossard’s new padded Ultrabra Super Boost in patriotic red-white-and-blue, to Stella McCartney’s tassels and gray beads, to Agent Provocateur’s sliced-away style in sheer black net.For the traditionally minded, there are the more substantial constructions of Rigby and Peller (they put the foundation in foundation garments), suppliers of spine-stiffening unmentionables to the royal family since the 1960s. Owner June Kenton, personal bra fitter to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and Queen Mother Elizabeth, believes 80 percent of all women are wearing the wrong size bra “and have two drawers-full of bras that they don’t wear.”Rigby and Peller’s offerings contrast with the futuristic Techno Bra, made of conductive textile with silicon gel inserts that contain electronic devices to detect heartbeat changes. A British industrial design company is developing the piece for the commercial market and designer Kirsty Falconer hopes it may one day incorporate a personal alarm that will sound if the wearer is attacked. Constructed in a dun-colored conductive nylon and silver fabric, the anti-radiation panties are no thing of beauty. But if, as their makers claim, they drain electricity from the body — thereby protecting it from magnetic radiation — can you afford to be without them? The exhibition runs through July 2, then tours Japan and Australia.