Category: news of the weird

Utility British Gas has admitted sending one of its customers a bill for �2,320,333,681,613.
Brian Law of Fartown, Huddersfield, received the bill last month as a final demand after failing to pay an earlier bill of �59.

The sum of �2.3 trillion was apparently due for electricity supplied to Mr Law’s new home in Fartown.

And the letter from British Gas threatened to take him to court unless he paid the amount in full.

Mr Law, who runs an exhibition company called Prodis Play in Leeds, had delayed paying the original bill last year because he was away on business.

According to the local newspaper, the Yorkshire Post, Mr Law attempted to call British Gas to resolve the matter but with little result.

“After two hours, I did get through to somebody, and said I had received this bill,” Mr Law told the newspaper.

“I started reading the figure out and the girl I was speaking to said there must have been a mistake.

“Eventually, I talked to a chap who promised to sort things out and he asked me to fax the bill through.

“I did that and rang again on the Wednesday, but this gent wasn’t in and neither was his manager. I kept leaving all my phone numbers but nobody rang back.”

Eventually, Mr Law decided that he would only be able to resolve the matter by going to court and offering to pay a penny a week.

However, after enquiries by the press, British Gas responded, saying it was a “simple, clerical mistake”.

The figure on the final demand was in fact the meter reference for Mr Law’s property.

The clerical error meant that the reference ended up in the bill’s total box, said a spokesman for the company in Leeds.

The company said it had “a very amiable conversation” with Mr Law about the mix-up, adding: “he seemed to see the funny side”.

Mr Law will now be setting up a direct debit arrangement to pay his future bills.

“There is certainly no question of us taking him to court or cutting off his supply,” the company added.

• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
• Deer Kill 17,000
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
• Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
• Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
• Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
• Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
• British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
• Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
• Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
• Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
• Air Head Fired
• Steals Clock, Faces Time
• Prosecutor Releases Probe into Under sheriff
• Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
• Bank Drive in Window Blocked by Board
• Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• March Planned For Next August
• Blind Bishop Appointed To See
• Lingerie Shipment Hijacked–Thief Gives Police The Slip
• L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
• Patient At Death’s Door–Doctors Pull Him Through
• Latin Course To Be Canceled–No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
• Diaper Market Bottoms Out
• Croupiers On Strike–Management: “No Big Deal”
• Stadium Air Conditioning Fails–Fans Protest
• Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
• Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
• Women’s Movement Called More Broad-Based
• Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
• Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• Fund Set Up for Beating Victim’s Kin
• Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
• Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
• Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
• Autos Killing 110 a Day–Let’s Resolve to Do Better
• 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
• War Dims Hope For Peace
• If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
• Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years

The LayoffBoss, to four of his employees: ”I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”Black Employee: ”I’m a protected minority.”Female Employee: ”And I’m a woman.”Oldest Employee: ”Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”…To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: ”I think I might be gay…”

Subject: The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued
this bulletin:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear
conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising
hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and
keep alert of bears while in the field.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their
clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in
case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear
activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between
black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller
and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear
manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper-spray.”

This is puportedly an excerpt from a recent live interview on one of the regional Welsh radio stationsA female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a Youth club:(this is more fun if you imagine thick/sweet Welsh accents)———————————————————–Interviewer: So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?Jones: We’re going to teach them climbing, abseiling, canoeing, archery, shooting…Interviewer: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible isn’t it?Jones: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.Interviewer: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?Jones: I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.Interviewer: But you’re training, and equipping them to become violent killers.Jones: Well, you are fully trained and equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one are you?Needless to say, the interview was terminated almostimmediately……

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.The cabbie said, ‘If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!’ So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ‘How much for a ride to the airport,’ he asked? ‘Fifteen bucks,’ came the reply. ‘And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?’ ‘What?! Get the hell out of my cab.’The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked ‘How much for a ride to the airport?’ The cabbie replied ‘fifteen bucks.’The businessman said ‘ok’ and off they went.Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Include your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

School officials in Columbus, Ga., assigned aides to alter textbook photos of Emanuel Leutze’s famous painting”Washington Crossing the Delaware” because some parents thought George’s pocket watch, dangling against his thigh, might appear to 5th-graders to be our first president’s privates. The aides spent two weeks touching up 2,300 textbooks.

Editors Note: There is absolutely no reason to believe this is true. But it’s fun.————A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case (24) of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against . . . (get this) fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in ”a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.The man sued . . . and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be ”unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in ”the fires.” — And Now for the Rest of the Story –After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive 30-day terms in jail.

What Makes 100%??? What is 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And look how far ass-kissing will take you.:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass-kissing will put you over the top!!!

Goofy 9-1-1 calls from the new book “What’s the Number for 9-1-1?: America’s Wackiest 9-1-1 Calls” by Leland H. Gregory III (Andrews McMeel Publishing): Caller: “These bee-droppings are ruining my roof!” A woman dialed 9-1-1 in the middle of a rainstorm to ask if police could give her a ride to avoid getting her new hairdo wet. Caller: “Please connect me to Switzerland.” Paramedics, responding to an “abdominal evisceration,” arrived at the caller’s residence to find a 13-year-old boy lying on a bed. They quickly examined the boy but could find nothing wrong with him. When they asked why he had called 9-1-1, the boy told them he had “stuff” coming out of his navel. Further investigation revealed the “stuff” to be belly-button lint. 9-1-1 Dispatcher: “Fire or emergency?” Caller: “Neither. My son was bothering me. I just wanted to let you know.” Caller: “Can you tell me when the next earthquake is?” Velma Ann Wantlin of Houma, La., called 9-1-1 to report that her husband was preventing her from watching “Knots Landing.” 9-1-1 Dispatcher: “9-1-1. Please state your emergency.” Caller: “Yeah, am I talking to a real operator or is this a recording?” Dispatcher: “This is a real operator. Please state your emergency.” Caller: “Are you sure you’re a real person? You sort of sound like a recording.” Dispatcher (irritated): “I’m a real person, sir!” Caller: “OK. Now you sound like a real operator.” 9-1-1 Dispatcher: “Are you conscious?” Caller: “No.” A man in La Vergne, Tenn., called 9-1-1 to report that his wife was pouring all his beer down the drain. Caller: “My phone doesn’t work.” 9-1-1 Dispatcher: “Fire and ambulance.” Caller: “Yes sir, I need an ambulance for my son. He has his finger stuck in a Hot Wheels car.” Dispatcher: “I’m sorry, sir. Is this an emergency?”Caller: “Well, it’s his favorite one!”

15> A bitchy blonde laughs that your date can’t dance, then spits out her punch when you reply, “Who cares? He’s Will Hung!”

14> He looks even dorkier in his rented tux than the other guys in attendance.

13> When you tell him he’s the absolute worst kisser you’ve had in your entire life, he just laughs and keeps kissing you.

12> Answered: Your idle speculation about what Yoko Ono would sound like as a Vegas lounge act.

11> A jealous Ruben Studdard beats your date to a pulp in the parking lot.

10> After 20 minutes of awkward fumbling in the limo, he casts his eyes to the floor and says, “I have no professional training with bra clasps.”

9> The intoxicating rush of fame from “The Simple Life” has already worn off, and Paris drew the longer straw.

8> Your cousin Paula described your blind date as a world-famous pop singer with millions of fans and a great down-to-earth personality — but conveniently failed to mention his giant goofy head.

7> Your date can’t dance, can’t sing… oops, never mind. False alarm: He’s just a normal white guy.

6> As you approach the karaoke bar for that after-dinner drink, the owner hurriedly turns the sign around from “OPEN” to “CLOSED.”

5> He manages to tear your dress, trash your corsage and step on *both* your feet dancing, but that doggone goofy charm convinces you to give it up anyway.

4> Despite his embarrassing performance in the back seat of his car, his earnest demeanor landed him a $25,000 porno deal.

3> His tux, the limo, the hotel room… everything has been rented for just 15 minutes.

2> “Our next song is by request — for the fifth time tonight, not that we’re counting… ‘She Bangs!'”

1> Fox has already cleared three nights of its fall schedule to accommodate a series documenting the evening, with rights to a second one covering the after-party.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]