Category: news of the weird

Why is there never a working ballpoint pen attached to those chains you see hanging around banks?Once imprisoned, the ballpoint pen soon loses the will to write. Even if released, it develops a deep-seated pattern of skipping and blotching that will soon send it back to the chain gang. Repeat offender ballpoint pens are sent to the post office, where they become federal pens. If not watched carefully, these pens will hang themselves from the writing desks. To prevent this, postal workers are particularly attentive, which is why they so often seem to be standing around staring at the pens. To avoid contributing to this destructive and unwholesome situation, I use a high-resolution dot-matrix printer when I write, and I recommend you do the same.

Just a little food for thought…. What’s the difference between a millionaire and a billionaire? A million seconds is 13 days. A billion seconds is 31 years.

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended
victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most
concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the
limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to
restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: ‘Boy, you sure
have got fat in four years.’

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat
cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a
claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting
negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was
approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti,
Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly
leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave.
Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman
bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed
by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be
attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.
Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river – and was devoured by
piranha fish.

6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts
from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course
when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpur
and tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a
local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was
charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the
latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his
car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to
find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her
dead. (I am not saying this is right… but I understand…It’s
a Chicago thang’…)

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979
was taste in clothing.

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to
be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting
to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop
and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that
the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.

11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has
been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin,
Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had
suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but,
having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his
cousin’s head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet
always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having
a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their
health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will
instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday
recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming
train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could
get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a
Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol – after he
was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government,
which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing white
socks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens.
Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be
made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was
‘a public insult,’ as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to
give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter’s
swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say
“Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant.” The mother
turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her
daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her
reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window
and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an
screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying
attention to me?” “Yes, of course I am paying attention ma’am.
It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in
the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show
up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant.”

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which
killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that
a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some
window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his
suicide anyway because of this.

Ordinarily, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds,
even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.

That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the
fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the
medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening
her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he
completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge,
the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the
shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to
threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder
her; therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is,
the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s
son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial
support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
would shoot his mother.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist.

Further investigation revealed that the son [Ronald Opus] had become
increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his
mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March
23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

– At one time in Holland it took four years to train to be a hatmaker but only three years to train to be a surgeon.- Despite the many rat invested slums in New York City, only 311 people are bitten by rats in an average year. But 1,519 residents are bitten annually by other New Yorkers.- No one knows why, but 90 percent of women who walk into a department store immediately turn to the right.- The term skyscraper was first used way back in 1888 to describe an 11 story building.- Adults average only one nightmare a year, but typically have seven sexual fantasies a day.- There are twice as many kangaroos in Australia as there are people. The kangaroo population is estimated at about 40 million.- During his entire lifetime, Herman Melville’s timeless classic of the sea, ‘Moby Dick’, only sold 50 copies. (DeepJoke sez “Gee, I wonder why?”)- Drivers tend to drive faster when other cars are around. It doesn’t matter whether they are in front, behind or beside them.- A small tribe named the Todas in southern India don’t greet each other with a handshake, they thumb their noses.- The host team in an NFL football game must have 26 footballs inflated and ready to play.- The world’s greatest lover was King Mongut of Siam. He had 9,000 wives. Before dying of syphilis he was quoted in saying he only loved the first 700.

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose – how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.The author said he could handle the story tactfully.The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

Save a mouse, eat a pussy!!

At a bankers’ dinner the other evening a banker read a bad poem that he wrote, and nothing was done about it. But just let a poet write a bad check!

Sex on the TV is only bad if you fall off!!!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, ‘Hello?’ I politely said, ‘This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?’Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled ‘You’re a jackass!’ and hung up.Next to his phone number I wrote the word ‘jackass,’ and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and I’d yell, ‘You’re a jackass!’ It would always cheer me up.Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, ‘Hello.’ I made up a name. ‘Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?’He went, ‘No!’ and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re a jackass!’The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. [Keep reading, it gets better.]The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.I started honking my horn and yelling, ‘You can’t just do that,Buddy. I was here first!’ The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me.I thought to myself, this guy’s a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a ‘For Sale’ sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ‘You’re jackass!’ (It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too.After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, ‘Hello.’ I said, ‘Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?”Yes, it is.”Can you tell me where I can see it?”Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.’I said, ‘What’s your name?”My name is Don Hansen.”When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”I’m home in the evenings.”Listen Don, can I tell you something?”Yes,”Don, you’re a jackass!’ and I slammed the phone down.After I hung up I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,’Hello.’I yelled ‘You’re a jackass!’, but I didn’t hang up.The jackass said, ‘Are you still there?I said, ‘Yeah.’He said, ‘Stop calling me.’I said, ‘No.’He said, ‘What’s your name, Pal?’I said, ‘Don Hansen.’He said ‘Where do you live?”1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front.”I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.”Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!’ and I hung up.Then I called Jackass #2.He answered, ‘Hello.’I said, ‘Hello, Jackass!’He said, ‘If I ever find out who you are…”You’ll what?”I’ll kick your butt.”Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jackass!’ And I hung up.Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.Glorious!Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!Name withheld to protect the guilty.

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say
“elevator”, we say “lift” … they say “President”, we say
“stupid psychopathic git” –Alexi Sayle

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t
either.–Dick Cavett

The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and
miss.–Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Never go to a doctor whose office plant have died.–Erma Bombeck

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.–Pancho
Villa-Last Words

Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a
challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we’re
going forward to tomorrow or whether we’re going to go past to
the — to the back! — Senator Dan Quayle, 8/17/88 (reported in
Esquire, 8/92)

Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: – “He must have made
that before he died”

“When you come to a fork in the road, take it!”

17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in
the face for $50.

When Ford Motor Company began marketing their popular Pinto in
Brazil years ago, they were puzzled by terrible sales. Things
improved when they changed the name to Corcel, which means
“steed.” Pinto is Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals…”

If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons, and a bunch of
conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I
don’t think it would be a good idea to say, “I swallowed it. So
sue me.”

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something
you did.”

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the
state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people
their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds
with my name on it.

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I’d save up my
money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.
Then I’d go out West and start digging for gold. When someone
came up and asked what I was doing, I’d say, “Looking for gold,
ya durn fool.” He’d say, “Your pick is gold,” and I’d say,
“Well, that was easy.” Good joke, huh.

On a tombstone: “I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK” (Anonymous)

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning …. put on a shirt
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle
came off. I’m afraid to go to the bathroom. (Rodney Dangerfield)

What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of
chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had
hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the
wash.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can’t
scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what
annoys me.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because
maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you
because, hey, free dummy.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a
very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to
contact us.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
“Hear that?” you say, “That’s dynamite, baby.”

Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.

Friends don’t let friends drive naked.

Friends — the people who stab ya in the front.

Sometimes people need what only friends can provide — Absence.

Friends who think they’re perfect are very annoying to those of
us who really are.

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend

To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” -John F.
Kennedy

“Love is like a bird. When you least expect it, it craps on your
face” -Bud

A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who
need the advice. –Bill Cosby

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the
world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon
as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to
break you. –Ray Romano

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, “Oh my God, I could be
eating a slow learner.” –Lynda Montgomery

The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. —
John Barrymore

And that’s the world in a nutshell — an appropriate receptacle.
(Stan Dunn)