Category: news of the weird

Seems this Russian wine exporter was trying to get his product past a bureaucrat who insisted on a payoff. The bureaucrat quoted a figure of $10,000 to let the shipment past his checkpoint. The exporter replied that the price seemed a little high — as for only $2000 he could have the bureacrat killed. The wine made it thru just fine.

REAL ADS THAT DERIVE THEIR HUMOR FROM MISPLACEMENT, MISUSE.Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served bywaitresses in appetizing forms.Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawersFour-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.Great Dames for sale.Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere LachasisCemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, andChopin.Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, andother athletic facilities.Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.Automatically burns toast.Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable thatlots of women wear nothing else.Stock up and save. Limit: one.We build bodies that last a lifetime.For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.Man, honest. Will take anything.Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, andsmacks included.Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’llnever go anywhere again.Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.Illiterate? Write today for free help.Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. BlueCross and salary.Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume generalhousekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom forefficient beating.Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,unrivaled inconvenience.

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?” Tom says, “I would switch one train to another track.” “What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector. “I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever,” answers Tom.”What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector. “Then,” Tom continues, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.” “What if the phone was busy?” “In that case,” Tom argues, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”. “What if that had been vandalized?” “Oh, well,” says Tom, “in that case I’d run into town and get my Uncle Leo.” This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?””Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “Sir, I’m really concerned… I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.” “Yes, doctor, but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids…”

LIPS WIDE SHUT In Twentynine Palms, Calif., a 16-year-old boy who said he didn’t want to talk to anyone showed up at school with his lips stitched together. OFFICER A LITTLE TOO FRIENDLY A 48-year- old ex-cop who played “Officer Friendly,” teaching kids to avoid strangers, was convicted of indecent exposure in a shopping mall in St. Paul, Minn. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN Police in Paris have charged Jacques Delhoussy with animal cruelty. Delhoussy admitted breaking into 142 pet stores across the country and eating more than 3,000 canaries. “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE AND SUCK IT OUT!” The Red Cross in Germany has enlisted Count Dracula’s last surviving descendant to persuade people to become blood donors. The count, whose full name is Ottomar Rudolphe Vlad Dracul Prince Kretzulesco, agreed to help after hearing a radio appeal for more donors.

ON JAN. 1, 2000, I’ll wear a T shirt that says:”I Survived This Decade”in a french blue shirtand a gold tie.a thousand cappuccinos.a hundred martinis.It didn’t rockbut it didn’t suckeither.I part-time telecommutedas a Webmasterfor a dot comin Y2K consulting.They said it wastemp-to-perm.it didn’t paybut there were options.I swung by the office to make trades.(Not that there’s anythingwrong with that.)cause we had a T1 Lineand there was a bull marketwith a strong,virile President.and you never knewwhen it couldcrash.I was a millionaire at 27for thirty seconds.I dug grunge.then eighties.Tony Bennet.then Chumbawumba.how bizzare.how bizzare.smoked Cohibas.(Not that there’s anythingwrong with that.)but I didn’t inhale.Alrighty, then…I learned HTMLand swing dancing.moved to Seattlebut I was back on the redeye.why did I eatthose krispy kremes?it all seemed like a good ideaat the time.I had a Pentium IIIyeahbabyyeahwith 9 gigs and a DVD.It can do anythingeven play movies.I fell in lovein a chatroomwith a .BMPI got the .JPEGI wasn’t so sure…..I got emails,but I couldn’t Replymy server was downand our IT can’t handle the MIS.And my email didn’t allow enclosures…her ICQ was in my PDAbut I upgraded andthe memory’s gone.

And we thought some of OUR laws were strange…

Most Middle Eastern countries recognize the following Islamic law: “After
having sexual relations with a lamb, it is a mortal sin to eat its flesh.”
(umm OK, I’m sure the lamb appreciates that one)

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (OK, like THAT makes sense…)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is
forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination. He may
only see their reflection in a mirror. (Ouch!)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (…a brick?)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is capitation. (Wonder how they
enforce that one?)

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for
the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for
virgins to marry. (Now let’s just think for a minute…is there any job
anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous
husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband’s lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. COOL)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, but only in tropical
fish stores. (Of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the
first time this happens her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(I shudder at the thought. How many of us would be virgins today?)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman
and her daughter at the same time. (We have to presume this was a big
enough problem that they had to pass this law…)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises.” (Is this a great country or what?)

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan’s Island theory is quite simple.Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan. Run with me on this one…Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T. Any man who can make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called MacGyver’.)For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger’s glamour. (As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have ‘done it’ on the island.)And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure, the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being deprived episode after episode was doing to her. You know and I know that glazed look wasn’t boredom, my friends.What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise? Mr Howell gets my vote for GREED.We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins. We have Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER. As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here. Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from this equation by connecting her with SLOTH. She did jack shit during her many years on the island and everybody knows it.This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage. He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat at least once an episode. After much consideration, I have decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in our TVs until the last re-run ends.And who is their captor? What keeps them trapped there? Gilligan. Gilligan is SATAN. Think about it.

Never Withhold Herbes Infection from Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in ’84 War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

It is said that a guy wrote the following letter to his sister. He is a commercial diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter….April, 1998Hi Sue,Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cold. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened to me. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under your cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my back. My butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my rear.I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with five other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing water stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope that thought will make it a little more tolerable.Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.Love, Brian