Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?A: The bow is moving.
Category: music
Piano joke
Q: What do you say to an army officer as you’re about to run him or her over with a steam roller?A: Be flat, major.
Piano joke
Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?A: A sharp major.
Drum joke
Q: How do you know when a drum solo’s really bad?A: The bass player notices.
Viola joke
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?A: So the violists don’t need to be retrained.
Banjo joke
Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?A: You can turn off a chainsaw.
Musician joke
Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
The Top 14 Worst Operas
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
14> La Travolta
13> The Pirates of My Pants
12> The Oozing Dutchman
11> Gallagher’s Watermelon Lake
10> Il Deliveranze (starring Ned Beatty as baritone in Act I, soprano in Act II)
9> The Barbara of Mandrell
8> Carmen II: Revenge of the Bull
7> Deflated Mouse: Tragedy at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
6> Cats II: The Spaying
5> Cartman
4> Don Giuliani
3> Gotterdammerongnumber
2> How Othello Got His Groove Back
1> Porky & B-b-b-b-bess
The Top 14 Rhymes in the Al-Qaeda Rap Song
14> My rhymes are hot, just like Shakira.
Um… whose songs I ain’t heard,
‘cuz they’re banned from Al-Jazeera.
13> If Sports Illustrated tempts you with swimsuit models,
Give praise to Allah and keep your hands off your throttles.
12> All you gots to do is pull the grenade ring,
And soon you’ll be wearin’ Allah’s bling-bling.
11> We’ll teach you to fly and we’ll make you a man,
But skip the last lesson, ‘cuz you won’t need to land!
10> To Allah you can give your soul,
Just don’t go down in no spider hole!
9> Al-Qaeda’s rulz:
Ya bodies are toolz for blowin’ up da churchz and da schoolz.
Ya blood’s in poolz, while ya leadaz live on to recruit
mo’ foolz.
8> Those infidel women drive Allah berserka!
Can’t someone please get Janet Jackson a burqa?
7> Ain’t nobody doper than our man, Osama.
He’s so phat, he out-phats yo’ mama.
6> Seventy-two virgins is paradise’s promise.
Let’s hope their names ain’t Harry, Frank or Thomas.
5> Allah Akhbar, let’s hit the crack bar.
In victory, we’ll smoke us a fatwa!
4> My name is Osama and I’m one badass bomba.
I got a beard like yo’ daddy, but I dress like yo’ mama.
3> Yo, it’s me you see, with lots of TNT in my BVDs.
Cool as can be, like Scott Bakula playin’ Dracula.
They’ll be cleanin’ up my insides with a spatula.
2> I’m the mutha of Mullahs, the baddest in Al-Qaeda.
I’ll fry Yankee ass like a bag of Ore-Ida.
1> Join one of our cells and be all invisible.
Slipping fives to strippers, just like an infizzidel.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
The Music Man
A drummer got bored with his instrument and decided to take up the accordion instead. Walking into a music shop, he spotted one he liked and asked the shopkeeper, “how much is that accordion by the wall?”
The shopkeeper looked at him and said, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”
“Yes, how did you know?” he said.
“That’s the radiator.”
Top 25 Classic Country Songs
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
22. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We’re Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better.
17. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.
16. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
14. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin’ Over You.
13. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
3. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles.
2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer.
1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With A Few
Oboes
How do you get 2 oboists to play in unison?
Shoot one.