Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
Category: music
Piano joke
Q: What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?A: See flat major.
Musician joke
Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.St. Peter: Hi, what’s your name?Paul: My name is Paul.St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Paul: 120K.St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?Paul: I was a lawyer.St. Peter: That’s great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?Roger: My name is Roger.St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?Roger: 60K.St. Peter: Hey, that’s great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?Roger: I was an accountant.St. Peter: That’s very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what’s your name?John: My name is John.St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?John: About $23,000.St. Peter: Hey, that’s fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
Tuba joke
Q: What is the range of a tuba?A: Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm.
Spice Girls vs. Indian Curry
What is the difference between the Spice Girls and Indian Curry?
Indian Curry has Ginger in it.
The Top 15 Songs by the Rolling Bones
15> Start Me Up With That Portable Defibrillator14> Let’s Spend Nap Time Together13> Ain’t Too Proud to Take My Senior Discount12> 19th Prostate Breakdown11> Harlem Shuffleboard10> Can’t You Hear Me Coughing?9> Angina8> Time Ain’t Exactly on My Side, So Hurry Up With That Smoothie, Punk7> Wild Hearses6> Time Is on My Ass5> You Can’t Always Shit When You Want4> Gimme Seltzer3> Waiting on a Lung2> Be a Burden1> (I Can’t Get No) Rascal Traction [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Instrument Jokes
***** Violin Jokes
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the
violinist’s head is so much bigger.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They never get up that high.
String Player’s Motto: “It’s better to be sharp than out of
tune.”
Why is a violinist like a Scud Missile?
Both are offensive an inaccurate.
What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their
instrument?
Violins aren’t built with spit valves.
Why should you never drive a nail into your roof with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
***** Cello Jokes
Why are intermissions limited to twenty minutes?
So you don’t have to retrain the cellos.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
***** Bass Jokes
How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The pianist can do that with his left hand.
How do make a double bass play in tune?
Cut it up and make it into a xylophone.
***** Trumpet Jokes
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it and four to tell the first how much better
they could have done it.
What’s the difference between a trumpet player and the rear end
of a horse?
I don’t know either.
What’s the traditional greeting of trumpet players?
“Hi. I’m better than you.”
Minimum Safe Distance Between Street Musicians and the Public:
Violinist: 25 feet
Bad Violinist: 50 feet
Tone deaf guitar player who knows three chords: 75 feet
15 year-old electric guitar player with a Nirvana fixation: 100
feet
Accordionist: 60 miles
***** Drums
What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
Gifted.
Why do drummers have S ounce more brains than horses?
So they don’t disgrace themselves in the parade.
How can you tell if a drummer is walking behind you?
You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.
Cello joke
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?A: Write ‘pp, espressivo’.
The Top 16 Signs Your Band Will Never Hit the Big Time
16> 4 words: Rage Against The Bagpipe
15> Bob Marley’s cause: freedom and equality
U2’s cause: third world debt relief
Your band’s cause: irritable bowel syndrome
14> All your members are allergic to Spandex *and* Aqua Net.
13> The term “heavy metal” refers to the collective weight of the band’s orthodontics.
12> Critics hail you as the foremost talent in your musical niche. Your musical niche? Gangsta-Country.
11> “I’m sorry, but Sousa tunes set to a hip-hop beat just isn’t what the kids are buying these days, Mr. Boone.”
10> A Spice Girls cover band just doesn’t work if you’re 35 years old. And male. And there’s only one of you.
9> Percussionist always has to wait until the dishwasher cycles to retrieve his spoons.
8> You’re too busy making sequels to “The Matrix,” and besides, your bass playing sucks more than your acting.
7> Band motto: “Practice is for wusses.”
6> Genre: Boy Band. Tour Sponsor: NAMBLA
5> Your goals, in order of priority:
1) Score some drugs
2) Score some chicks
3) Score some instruments
4> Your band’s video is getting a lot of airplay on MTV — as a promo for “Jackass.”
3> Your female lead singer has talent — just not D-cup talent.
2> You keep letting David Lee Roth back in.
1> Now that you see the jumbo letters on the marquee, you realize that naming the band “Closed For Private Party” was a big mistake.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Drum joke
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
The Top 16 Least Popular Broadway Musicals
16> Disney’s “The English Patient” on Ice!
15> Guys and Inflatable Dolls
14> Annie Get Your Application, 5-Day Waiting Period, Clearance Check, Then Your Gun
13> Das Show Boot
12> Dianetics!
11> Jesus Christ Supertramp
10> Hootie and the Beast
9> Flossie! A Cow’s Descent into Madness
8> Phantom of the Oprah
7> Oh, Pacoima!
6> Larry King & I
5> The Tony Danza Story, starring Matt LeBlanc
4> Nitty Gritty Gang Bang
3> Ebola!
2> Bring In Da US Senator Paul Wellstone (D-MN), Bring In Da Funk
1> Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Milosevic!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]My Car Will Go On…Hopefully
Sung to the melody of My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme from Titanic):
Verse 1:
Every time I start you, I hear you, I feel you
Telling me you cannot…go on.
Far away the Hyundais, the Yugos, they beat us
At 45[mph] you slowly…go on.
Chorus:
Near, far, wherever you park
I can see you, oh brown, ugly car!
Once…More…I don’t lock the door
And no one’ll try to steal it, my car will go on and on
Verse 2:
The battery died that one time, and stalled me a lifetime
I watched as all the others…go on
How the kids they would laugh, the fan belts, do screech – scratch
When I drive with the fan…turned on
Chorus:
Near, far, wherever you park
I can see you, oh brown, ug-ly car!
Once…More…I don’t lock the door
And no one’ll try to steal it, my car will go on and on
Super-chorus: (same melody, but raised two keys)
This…year…there’s nothing I fear
I got triple-A card to go on
On…the…405 Freeway
I reach for the call box and, my life will go on and on