Category: music

The Top 15 Things Overheard on Britney Spears’ Honeymoon

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15> “Hurry, driver, get us back to our hotel room before she sobers up!”

14> “Yes, it’s romantic to carry me over the threshold. I’m just saying it would be *more* romantic if your pants were still on.”

13> “Am *too* a virgin! It doesn’t count when you do it standing up.”

12> “Okay, Jason, I gave it up. Now when are you gonna introduce me to Jerry Seinfeld?”

11> “Move! Go pee in the sink; I gotta puke again!”

10> “If anyone should see any reason why these two should not be wed — other than their parents, their agents, their immediate families, struggling musical artists who have way more talent, a public that has grown tired of these kinds of ridiculous publicity stunts and humanity-at-large — speak now or forever hold your peace.”

9> “Hey, why is the bride on the cake dressed like a slut?”

8> “How long do you think this will last?”
“Ten.”
“Ten what, honey?”
“9… 8….”

7> “You may now kiss the bride. And when Madonna’s done, the groom can have his turn.”

6> “Jason, you had me at ‘I’m a TopFive contributor.'”

5> “You didn’t use a condom?!? Well, don’t worry — we can get *that* mistake annulled, too.”

4> “Well, we still had more sex than Liza and David Gest and Michael and Lisa Marie combined.”

3> “Hello, room service? I have a complaint: Someone has already eaten my Pop Tart.”

2> “It’s not pierced; it was wired shut by my record label.”

1> “You are soooo cute. Look at you! You are absolutely adorable. You are– I’LL BE RIGHT OUT, JASON… I’M IN THE BATHROOM!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

The Top 18 Signs It’s Time for Your Rock Band to Retire

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18> No longer able to “Rock and Roll All Night” without an entire case of Viagra.

17> Ever since Strom left the band for a career in politics, the sound just hasn’t been the same.

16> Your lead guitarist switches to Heroin P.M. so that those after-concert parties don’t keep him awake all night.

15> You’re still considered a hair band, but now it’s because of your ears and noses.

14> Instead of saying “Good night, Cleveland!” at the end of your set, you scream, “Honey! It’s time for my sponge bath!”

13> “I’m sorry, Mr. Hanson, but it seems you’ve hit puberty.”

12> Then: You freaked out on-stage because of the drugs you took.

Now: You freak out on-stage because of the drugs you *forgot* to take.

11> “Shooting up” didn’t used to involve an enema.

10> Old band logo: picture of giant red lips.

Current band logo: picture of giant sagging man-boobs.

9> Biting the head off a bat now requires corporate sponsorship from Super Poly-Grip.

8> The only people making bootleg tapes at your concerts are from the Smithsonian.

7> Your songs are blocked from Napster — not by your record company’s request, but because they suck.

6> Then: You instructed security to screen the crowd for sweet young things willing to put out for the band.

Now: You instruct security to screen the crowd for sweet young things who are willing to to pre-chew all those green M&M’s for the band.

5> You stop outdoor concerts to take a garden hose to the young hooligans who won’t get off the lawn.

4> The band refuses to make a video because they’re convinced that the cameras will steal their souls.

3> Bad: Your groupies drag their oxygen tanks to the stage to admire your alligator-skin pants.

Worse: You forgot to put on any pants.

2> Nowadays when your fans throw their panties on stage, it looks like the Fifth Airborne parachuting into Normandy.

1> The hot babe in the first row just lifted her skirt — to show you her breasts.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

The Top 14 Song Titles if the Artists Re-Made Them Today

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14> The Eagles — “Pantsful, Queasy Feeling”

13> Van Halen — “Limp!”

12> Aretha Franklin — “D-E-P-E-N-D-S”

11> Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young — “Suite: Betty Ford Clinic”

10> The Rolling Stones — “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfactory Erection”

9> The Who — “(Talkin’ ‘Bout) My Operation”

8> Rod Stewart — “Tonight’s The Night (If The Viagra’s Alright)”

7> Led Zeppelin — “Chairlift To Heaven”

6> Three Dog Night — “Jeremiah was a Bud Frog…”

5> James Brown — “Papa’s Got A Brand New Colostomy Bag”

4> Elton John — “Saturday Night’s All Right For Bingo”

3> Edwin Starr — “Limited Engagement With No Clear Exit Strategy! What Is It Good For?!”

2> Yes — “Owner of a Bypassed Heart”

1> Men at Work — “Why Can’t I Pee Now?”

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

Chetsnuts roasting on an open fire

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Once upon a time a guy named Bob wanted to get his girl-friend a
gift for Christmas. He knew she loved birds so he went to a pet
store. He was looking in the bird section when he noticed that
he only had $20 bucks. Just then he saw a sign. It said
“Parrot only $20 dollars”
Bob went up to the counter and asked the guy behind it why the
parrot was only $20 dollars. “Well you see,” the guy said, “this
parrot is really really old and only sings 2 songs. One if you
light a match under his left foot and one if you light a match
under his right foot.” So then Bob went up too the parrot and
lit a match under his left foot. The bird started to sing
“Jingle Bells.” Then he lit a match under his right leg. The
bird started to sing “Rudolph the red nose reindeer.” Bob went
back to the counter and asked, “What’s this birds name?”
“Chet,” the guy replied. “Okay then what would happen if you
lit a match underneath Chet’s balls?” Bob asked. “I don’t know
I’ve never tried it.”
So Bob went back to the bird and lit a match underneath his
balls. The bird started to sing “Chet’s nuts roasting on an
open fire.”