Category: music

On a cold, rainy Sunday morning, the church organist came down
with the flu, so the substitute organist came in to the
minister’s office. “What should I play?” he asked. Obviously
annoyed, the minister replied, “Well, my sermon is on
forgiveness, so you can think of something to go along with
that. But first, you’ll have to let me make a few announcements.
The organist walked into the sanctuary for the service.

When it came time, the minister walked up and said, “Okay, as
you all know, there was a storm last night that damaged the roof
of part of our building. We need money to repair this. If you
are willing to donate $100, please stand.” At that moment, the
substitute organist played the Star Spangled Banner. And that is
how the substitute organist became the full time organist.

Until now, we’ve had to take the other forty-five ways on faith, and leave it as one of the great unanswered questions in pop music, along with: “Why do fools fall in love?,” “How can you have you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?,” and the eternal “Who’s Johnny?”

The wait is over. After much investigation, here are The Other Forty-Five— Let’s remember the five “ways” Paul already gave us:

(1) Slip out the back, Jack

(2) Make a new plan, Stan

(3) You don’t need to be coy, Roy

(4) Hop on the bus, Gus

(5) Drop off the key, Lee

Now, the rest:

(6) Hop on your cycle, Michael

(7) Flag down a cabbie, Abby

(8) Ride off in your Porsche, Portia

(9) Ask to be free more, Seymour

(10) Say you need space, Grace

(11) Send a facsimile, Emily

(12) Send her Paris, Harris

(13) Put her on the spot, Scott

(14) Mention your spouse, Klaus

(15) Tell her you’re gay, Ray

(16) Tell her you’re straight, Kate

(17) Take back the diamond, Simon

(18) Give the ususal spiel, Neil

(19) Wish him death, Beth

(20) Call her a very bad name to call a woman, Rich

(21) Hire a hit man, Rip van

(22) Just be yourself, Dick

(23) Throw her off a bridge, Etheridge

(24) Sweep her under a rug, Doug

(25) Give him salmonella, Priscilla

(26) Fit her for concrete pants, Lance

(27) Hire a hit man, Rip van

(28) Toss her in the bay, Dre

(29) Give her the scoop, Snoop

(30) Bury her under the floorboards, Edgar

(31) Make him fret, Juliet

(32) Kick him in the spleen, Nadine

(33) Tell her you just chillin’, Dylan

(34) Mention your V.D., Edie

(35) Use your auto, Otto

(36) Give her “Boo, hisses!,” Ulysses

(37) Be open & honest to her about how, although you love her, you think you need some time apart to grow and find out how you really feel, Shaquille{whew long breath…}

(38) Maybe a Winchester, Esther?{ist choice..}

(39) Let it get all messy, Jessie

(40) Kick him in the melon, Helen{lower..Helen}

(41) Hop on a plane, Jane{IN jane..I-N}

(42) Give two weeks notice, Otis

(43) Start wearing a skirt, Bert

(44) Strap yer hands ‘cross my engines, Wendy{pant}

(45) Move to Uganda, Wanda

There was a church where the preacher and the minister of music
were not getting along. As time went by this began to spill over
into the worship service.

The first week the preacher preached on commitment and how we
all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music
director lead the song, “I Shall not be Moved.”

The second week the preacher preached on tithing and how we all
should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director lead
the song, “Jesus Paid it All.”

The third week the preacher preached on gossiping and how we
should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song,
“I Love to Tell the Story.”

With all this going on, the preacher became very disgusted over
the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation
that he was considering resigning. The musician lead the song,
“Oh Why Not Tonight?”

As it came to pass, the preacher did indeed resign. The next
week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there
and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The music leader lead
the song, “What a Friend We Have in Jesus.”

A man walks into a bar and gets a drink. He sits down the front
to listen to the singer. It’s the best music he has ever heard,
but the singer uses fuck, cock suckers and such words every two
or three words. After hearing a song he liked the man asked the
singer the name of the song. He replyed, “My dad did me up the
ass with a pencil while he pissed into my face.”

“Right.” said the man.

He then hired the singer to play his brothers wedding, but asked
the singer to tone down the swear words, the singer agreed.

So the wedding arived and the singer walked into the reception
half an hour early, with playboy under his arm. As he was early
he decided to go and have a wank. So he goes to the toilet and
starts to tugg away. Whan he’s finished he walked out to the
sinks to meet a man. The man asked him who he was. He replied,
“I’m the singer.”

The man then seeing the singer’s fly open and his dick hanging
out and cum all over his trouser asked him, “Do you know that
your dick is hanging out and there is cum all over his pants.”

The singer replied, “Know it. I fuckin’ wrote it.”

Q: What’s a tuba for?A: 1 1/2 X 3 1/2.

Q: What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?A: If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.

Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?A: They make great anchors!

Q: There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?A: The frog’s probably on its way to a gig.

Q: How do you make him stop playing?A: Put notes on it!

Q: What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?A: You can tune the lawnmower and the owner’s neighbors don’t mind if you don’t return the sax when you borrow it.

Q: What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?A: One is far more painful to your ears.

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn’t expect you to understand.