There was a magician and his aprentice on top of a mountain. The magician
said to his apprentice, “I need two dead people for my next experiment.”
So the apprentice went down the mountain and found two dead people. There
liscenses showed they were Mrs. Hill and Mr. Hill. He took them up the
mountain to the castle. The minute the apprentice stepped in the door he
heard music. He knew not to disturb his master when he was listening to
music so he took the bodies down to the celler. He put them on the table.
Suddenly, the music grew louder and the bodies started rising; he decided
he could disturb his master so he ran up the stairs singing, “The Hills
are alive, with the sound of music!”
Category: movies & tv
Stranded
I wish we wernt stranded on this iceburg steven whats for dinner
we can have ratsoup ratdogs or roastrat whats for desert icetea
and snow balls.
Wait i think i can see something get the telascope yes its a
ship were saved yes whats it called the titanic.
Austin Powers Pick up lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)….Let’s get you out of
these wet clothes.
3. Nice legs…what time do they open?
4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my
package.
5. You’ve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I’m the only
one talking to you.
8. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher,have you seen one?
9. I’m fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth
tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell
outta me.
11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I
could ride you all day long for a quarter.
12. Oh, I’m sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
13. I’d really like to see how you look when I’m naked.
14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
only a light switch away.
16. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
17. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even
farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it’s true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
19. You know, if I were you, I’d have sex with me.
20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
21. F@#! me if I’m wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my
bedroom floor.
23. My name is Austin … remember that, you’ll be screaming it
later.
24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by
again?
25. Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I’M cute.”
27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to
you.
28. My name isn’t Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want
to.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you
been drinking?
30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth,
I bet we could do it in public.
31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don’t you
like pizza?
32. Baby, I’m an American Express lover…you shouldn’t go home
without me.
33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no……….? Can I???
34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in
them.
35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went
into this cheap motel room.
Things I Have Learned From Watching Soap Opera
1. Everybody has a child that they gave up for adoption, or
don’t know they have, appears one day out of the blue as an
adult.
2. 90% of the children are not with their biological parent or
parents. If you do have kids, they either die or get some
horrible disease that is “cured.”
3. Don’t bother getting married, its only going to last a year
anyway.
4. “I want to be with you the rest of our lives,” means only for
the next year.
5. “That was a long time ago,” usually means last week.
6. Don’t get into cars. If you do, what ever you do, don’t take
that seat belt off even for a second, since that is when the car
crashes.
7. If you do, don’t get into arguments. The car crashes.
8. If you do, don’t drive during storms. The car crashes.
9. If you do, don’t be pregnant. The car crashes.
10. If you do, don’t go near cliffs. The car falls off.
11. If you do, don’t drink. The car crashes.
12. Don’t ever believe that anybody is dead, even if you saw the
body.
13. The wrong person is ALWAYS charged with the crime. They are
always going to go to jail for the rest of their lives. When
they finally find the right person, they always get off somehow.
14. DO NOT GO TO THAT PARTY.
15. The new person in town is almost always nasty and is out to
destroy people.
16. Serious conversations are always conducted in public where
they can be interrupted, overheard and above all, misconstrued.
17. Getting the hots for someone means you are now in love (for
the umpteenth time) and want to spend the rest of your live with
them for the next year.
Norm Peterson’s Famous Quotes
“Can I draw you a beer Norm?” “No, I know what they look like.
Just pour me one.”
“How’s a beer sound Norm?” “I dunno. I usually finish them
before they get a word in.”
“What’s shaking Norm?” “All four cheeks and a couple of chins.”
“What would you say to a nice beer Normie?” “Going down?”
[Norm comes in depressed. He just stands by the door with asullen face.] [mutters]”Afternoon, everybody.” “Norm!” “What’s
new Normie?” “Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach,
and they’re demanding beer.”
“What’ll it be Normie?” “Just the usual coach. I’ll have a froth
of beer and a snorkel.”
“What would you say to a beer Normie?” “Daddie wuvs you.”
“What’d you like Normie?” “A reason to live. Give me another
beer.”
“What’ll you have Normie?” “Well I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy.
I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.” “Oh, looks
like beer, Norm.” “Call me Mister Lucky.”
“What’d you say Norm?” “Any cheap, tawdry thing that’ll get me a
beer.”
“What’d you say to a beer Norm?” “Hiya, sailor. New in town?”
[coming in from the rain] “Evening everybody.” “Still pouringNorm?” “That’s funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.”
“Whaddya say, Norm?” “Well, I never met a beer I didn’t drink.
And down it goes.”
“Hey Norm, How’s the world been treating you?” “Like a baby
treats a diper.”
“Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?” “No, I’s like a dead cat
in a glass.”
“How’s life treating you?” “It’s not, Sammy, but you can.”
“What’s the story Mr. Peterson.” “The Bobbsey twins go to the
brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.”
“Hey, My. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.” “I
know, and if she calls, I’m not here.”
“Beer, Norm?” “Have I gotten that predictable? Good.”
“What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?” “A flashing sign in my gut that
says, ‘Insert beer here.'”
“Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?” “Yep, now
let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver ,huh?”
“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?” “Another layer for the winter,
Wood.”
“Whatcha up to Norm?” “My ideal weight if I were eleven feet
tall.”
“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?” “Poor.” “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“No, I mean pour.”
“How’s life treating you Norm?” “Like it caught me sleeping with
its’ wife.”
“Women, can’t live with ’em…..pass the beer nuts.”
“What’s going down, Normie?” “My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”
“Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?” “Allright, but stop me at
one….make that one thirty.”
“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?” “It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody,
and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.”
“How’s about a beer, Norm?” “That’s that amber sudsy stuff,
right? I’ve heard good things about it!”
“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?” “The question is what’s going in
Mr. Peterson?” “A little early isn’t it, Woody?” “For a beer?”
“No, for stupid Questions.”
And, the best for last
“When I go, I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my
grandfather, not screaming in terror like the other three people
in his car.”
Hit Television Shows in Iraq
“Husseinfeld”
“Mad About Everything”
“U.S. Military Secrets Revealed”
“Suddenly Sanctions”
“Allah McBeal”
“Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest”
“Matima Loves Chachi”
“The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show”
“Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs”
“Wheel of Fortune and Terror”
“Iraq’s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers”
“Achmed’s Creek”
“The Price is Right If Saddam Says It’s Right”
“M*U*S*T*A*S*H”
“Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses”
“Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque”
“When Kurds Attack”
“Just Shoot Me”
“My Two Baghdads”
“Diagnosis Heresy”
“Everybody Loves Saddam Or He’ll Have Them Shot”
“Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things”
“Totally Clothed Baywatch”
Er… Scottie?
A quote from Star Trek:
“Very funny Scottie, now beam down my clothes.”
Harry
i don’t care, the movie “Harry Potter” SUCKED!!!!!!!! i think
you need to be a potthead to even enjoy it let alone like it, so
the movie should be called “Harry Potthead!” see NOW the title
explanes its self!
the book was ok, but the movie….OH…god help us!
Movies
For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural
town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at
the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant
$1.50, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movies,
popcorn was only 15 cents.”
“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to
enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”
Better Star Wars Dialogue
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word
“Pants” for key words:
We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
Many bothans died to bring us these pants.
These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use
it.
Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time!
General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface attack.
I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
TK-421… Why aren’t you in your pants?
Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants.
You are unwise to lower your pants.
She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to
retrieve them. See to it personally Commander.
Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
Luke… Help me remove these pants.
Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
That blast came from those pants. That thing’s operational!
Luke…..I am your pants.
A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my
old master.
Don’t worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily
guarded than this.
Maybe you’d like it back in your pants, your highness.
Luke, search your pants. You know it is true.
Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially
one… Your sister!
Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first
sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
Kermit and Ms. Piggy
Q: Why did Kermit the Frog break up with Ms. Piggy?
A: He found out it was morally wrong to eat pork.
yo mama
yo mama was so stupid when she came in the house smelling bad,
she goes i better take a bath before the fire alarme goes off!!