Category: movies & tv

Adjust the tint so that the people are green and insist to
others that “you like it like that”
Fiddle with all the knobs constintly
Change chanels 5 minutes before the end of each show
Take it everywhere with you
Name it
When anyone else touches the remote shriek “THATS MINE!”
Ask the people on call in shows for dates
Watch the commercials but never watch the shows
At the climax of a show “accidently” muteit until it is over
Stand in front of someone when they are watching the tv
One word” Documentries
Watch only reruns of shows
Tell people what will happen in the show your watching
Turn the tv off when guests are over and tell them you won’t
turn it on until it apologizes
Dress it differently every day
When watching a sports show comment to your friends that “I
could do better”
Make you friends watch you video of how clay is made again, and
again, and again, and again.

Medieval Pick-Up Lines

“Hey, Princess, you wouldn’t happen to know where a lonely knight could
scabbard his sword, would you?”

“Been there, slain that.”

“Your hovel or mine?”

“Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my longsword in action?”

“Every second of every hour of every day is like a thousand knives of fire
stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine
Sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to
the warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I crave the comfort of thine embrace
like some lost child cold and alone in the dark… So, you wanna fuck???”

If you ever find yourself in a horror movie situation…..always
remember this.

1. If you say “I’ll be right right back”…….you’re not coming
back.

2. If you decide to sit in a the chair in the middle of a old
dreary cob-webbed room, and the door closes behind you…. it’s
not the wind…and you might as well sit in that chair, put your
head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.

3. If your not famous you might as well commit suicide.

4. The person you hate most will always be the one your stuck
with in that life-or-death situation.

5. If you make a new friend your will be the one to ethier find
their mutalated body or see them being killed, while your
helplessly tied to the table.

6. Black dudes alway die first.

7. When the mood of the music changes, RUN LIKE HELL!!!

8. Never, under any cercumstances go to the
BASEMENT…….Hello, darkness, boxes, pipes………Where is
the first place your killers gonna hide????

9. If you suspect your husband or boyfriend is the killer, but
your best friend tells you your crazy…..she’s wrong, he is the
killer and you’re next………..DUMP HIS ASS!!! There are other
fish in the sea.

10. The person you least expect weather they stutter, are
small,”too” young, or act timid……they are the killer,
specially the retarded younger brother or sister.

11. When you are being chased in your house by the killer, and
you have two options….the door outside or upstairs…..please,
for god-sake don’t go upstairs.

12. If there is a killer in your dreams that has a burnt face
and knives for hands, it’s time to buy coffee…..I mean come
on, haven’t you seen Freddy Kruger!

13. Attacks by your killers are always after watching a horror
movie.

14. There is always someone in the house that is killed before
you are, then you find them, scream, and run straight into the
killer……SMART ONE!!

15. If you get a phone call, telling you to check
outside…….why bother???? They’ve already found a way in.

16. if you get an anonomous call from someone breathing
heavily….no, it’s not your kid brother playing tricks…..and
it doesn’t help to try to call the police cause just as they
pick up, the phone will go dead…….and they will come and
find you mutillated in the living room.

17. If your companions walk out of the room to get something,
you better get out of that damn house, forget them their long
gone.

18.The idea of safety in numbers, does not, I repeat DOES NOT
apply here……eventualy one of you will have to go to the
bathroom.

19. Screaming won’t help…….usually your in the middle of the
woods in a small town.

20. When check noices……bring some kind of a
weapon………no matter how old the house is, or how hard the
winds blowing….Noices don’t just happen.

What does Star Trek Enterprise and toilet paper have in Common?

They both go aroung Uranus (your anus) looking for Cling-ons (Klingons).

Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on
“Start”?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Who had the horrible idea of the word lisp having a ‘s’ in it?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dish
washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes? Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same
substance?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t
drink and drive?

Why is it in a film any lock can be picked by a credit card or a
paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning
building with a child trapped inside.

Why is it in a film most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any invading alien
civilization.

Why is it in a film television news bulletins always contain a
story that affects you personally at that precise moment you
turn the television on.

Why is it in a film the door bell always rings at the end of a
conversation, never in the middle.

Why is it in a film a detective can only solve a case once he
has been suspended from duty.

Why is it in a film if you decide to start dancing in the
street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

1.It has a cool handle on the back.
2.You can carry it to a friends house.
3.It has a cool multi-collored controler.
4.It is cheap,purple,and square.
5.Xbox is way better than gaycube!

If you have any other opinions refer to #5.

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…

– You’ve ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
– Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
– You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm
Strawberry Hill.
– At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
– You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
– You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
– You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
– The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
– Wookies are offended by your B.O.
– You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t
have to wait for a commercial.
– You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
– Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the
darkside…it’ll be a hoot.”
– You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
– You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
– You think Han Solo would look better in flannel cause he looks like a
little sissy in that vest.
– You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
– You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in
through the window.
– Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had
a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
– You ever fell in love with your sister.
– You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as
“them damn Yankees.”
– You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
– You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.
– You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the
cantina scene.
– In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow “just ain’t right.”
– If the man you’re looking for is named Billy-Bob Kenobi
– If you ever used C-3PO or R2D2 to jumpstart your X-Wing.
– If you ever tied deer to your landspeeder.
– Whenever you blow up a Death Star, you can’t help but say “Yeeee
Haaawww!”
– Your visit to Dagobah was just an excuse to get in some good fishin’ and
wear your waders.
– You have a John Deere flight helmet. Or a Caterpillar one. Or both.
– You understand how being in zero-g can ruin a good chaw. (Spitting’s a
lot less fun, for one thing)
– When your father cuts off your arm with a light saber, the first thought
that runs through your head is “Dang! How am I gonna use my shotgun
*now*?”
– You’ve actually said “Han… I *love* you, man!” in an attempt to get
his beer.
– You think the Empire’s just a bunch of Commie Fay-gits, and we oughta
just blow ’em all up and the Force sort ’em out.
– You’re a member of the NLA (National Lightsaber Association.) and have a
rack on the back of your landspeeder and/or x-wing fighter and/or Banta.
– You can moon your buddies without crashing your X-wing.
– Before R2D2 can get into your x-wing, you’ve gotta clear the empty beer
cans out of the back.
– Not only do you know what an Ewok tastes like, but you know how to skin
one, and can recognize their “spoor”.

Emperor: Vader, why is your face so deformed and ugly?

Vader: Well, let me put it this way, master…Have you ever tried to shave
yourself with a lightsaber?

Buckwheat joined the Nation of Islam…
His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage???

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump.

What’s the longest word in the world?

The word that comes after when the TV says, “Here’s a word from
our sponsors.”

41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a
secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice
will be outlawed and destroyed.

42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come
by.

43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and
with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the
main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my
power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be
jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

44. I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code.
Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for
formal occasions.

45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero’s party
getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.

50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in
my old age.