Category: movies & tv

A guy found an old lamp, rubbed it, and out came a genie. The
genie said to make 3 wishes. So first he said, “I want to be
rich.” All of the sudden his house was filled with gold. Next he
said, “I want all the women I want.” He was surrounded by women.
Next he said, “I want to live forever!” The genie turns him into
the Energizer Bunny.

The TV game show Jeopordy uses so much toilet paper because doo de doo doo
do de do do de do de doop do do do do doo.doo-doo.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident –
I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it
anyway.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I
simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.

One day Jared was surfing the TV channels. He came to the first
channel and it was drag racing. Then he went to the second
channel and it was wrestling. Then he went to the third channel
and it was sewing. Then he went to the last channel and it was
TLC (The Learning Channel) and they were showing babies being
born.

So he went back to the first channel and this is how it sounded:
“And they’re off! (changes channel )He’s on top of her! She’s on
top of him! (changes channel) In and out, in and out. (changes
channel) And the baby has safely been born.”

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from
Hong Kong:

* I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

* Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

* Gun wounds again?

* Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

* A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

* Darn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken.

* Take my advice, or I’ll spank you a lot.

* Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

* This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I
am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave
them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

* Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

* I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed,
not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my
dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept
on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by
the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing
them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and
asks, “Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?”,
my reply will be, “No, just sensible.”

8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before
you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?”
I’ll say, “No” and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will
be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless
absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large
red button labeled “Danger: Do Not Push.” The big red button
marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on
anyone stupid enough not to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF
switch will not clearly be labeled as such. There will be no
Plug.

3rd base does not feel like apple pie, it feels like vulcanized
rubber. This can lead to much pain with continued thrusting.

You can get anywhere with a little luck and a box of chocolates.
Hard work, intelligence, its all crap.

If you are a brave heart, shut up now. You’ll only get you and
your girlfriend killed. Also true for gladiators.

Never, EVER, choose the fish over the boat. Perfect Storms tend
to destroy both.

If you find an old book with ancient writing on it, rumored to
be the book of the dead, Do Not Open!

If the most experienced, smartest, most powerful jedi you know
says no, for goodness sakes, don’t do it.

Finally, something good comes from fantasizing about 12 yr old
American Beauties. (for all you counting on #1, don’t bloody try
it. Odds are you will get a 300 pound gay roommate named Bubba)

If your teacher gives you a bad grade, he/she’s probably an
alien.

Ugly mullet-haired freak gets Brittany Daniel, Moron of the year
recipient gets Rachel Leigh Cook. There’s hope for me yet!!!

Yo’ mama is so fat, when she goes to the movies, they open up a
seperate snack bar just for her.

Prepare yourself. I have uncovered information that may shock and upset
you. Much like the Kennedy/Lincoln connections, it has come to my
attention that George of the Jungle and Titanic are basically the same
movie. While looking at the cultural values of films in my Lit class, I
accidently stumbled across this exciting news.

GEORGE: High society Ursula is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Lyle
Vandergroot but ends up in love with third class George.
TITANIC: High society Rose is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Cal Huckley
but ends up falling for third class Jack.

GEORGE: Ursula first meets George after he saves her life.
TITANIC: Rose first meets Jack when he saves her life.

GEOGRE: Ursula goes to thank George and ends up spending the rest of the
day with him.
TITANIC: Rose goes to thank Jack and ends up spending the rest of the day
with him.

GEORGE: Ursula sees George’s sensitive side when he cheers up a monkey.
TITANIC: Rose sees Jack’s sensitive side when he cheers up a little girl.

GEORGE: Ursula starts falling for George when they first dance together.
TITANIC: Rose starts falling for Jack when they first dance together.

GEORGE: George is invited to a high society party.
TITANIC: Jack is invited to a high society party.

GEORGE: Ursula’s mother forbids the love of Ursula/George
TITANIC: Rose’s mother forbids the love of Jack/Rose

GEORGE: Lyle disposes of George by locking him in a cage.
TITANIC: Cal disposes of Jack by locking him in a room.

GEORGE: Ursula gives up everything to be with George.
TITANIC: Rose gives up everything to be with Jack.

GEORGE: George sacrifices his body in order to save Ursula.
TITANIC: Jack sacrifices his life in order to save Rose.

GEORGE: George is the self-proclaimed “King of the Jungle.”
TITANIC: Jack is the self-proclaimed “King of the World”

GEORGE: Ursula wears a special necklace which reminds her of George.
TITANIC: Rose saves a special necklace which reminds her of jack.

GEORGE: Rich, snooty fiance mocks the natives for their knowledge of
photography and the ape for his choice of reading material, but they turn
out to know more than he does.
TITANIC: Rich, snooty fiance mocks his girlfriend for her knowledge of art
and her choice of reading material, but she turns out to know more than he
does.

GEORGE: George likes the feel of the wind on his face when he rides in the
limo.
TITANIC: Jack likes the feel of the wind on his face when he stands at the
bow.

GEORGE: “George just lucky I guess”
TITANIC: Jack says how lucky he is to have won the card game.

GEORGE: George doesn’t have appropriate clothing for society events.
TITANIC: Jack doesn’t have appropriate clothing for society events.

GEORGE: A benevolent ape helps George overcome his social inadequacies.
TITANIC: A benevolent passenger helps Jack overcome his social
inadequacies.

GEORGE: George returns to a dangerous situation to rescue an ape, who is
locked up and treated like an animal.
TITANIC: Jack returns to a dangerous situation to rescue a boy, who had
been locked up and treated like an animal.

GEORGE: Ursula is delighted to see unfamiliar forest creatures enjoying
their native songs.
TITANIC: Rose is delighted to see unfamiliar third-class creatures
enjoying their native songs.

GEORGE: George is left parentless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.
TITANIC: Jack is left lifeless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.

GEORGE: George dangles from a bridge to help a suicidal stranger.
TITANIC: Jack dangles from the bridge of a ship to help a suicidal
stranger.

GEORGE: George is a cartoon character brought to life through the magic of
movies.
TITANIC: Cal is a live person turned into a cartoon character through the
magic of movies.

is it hot in here or am i sweatin!

From USA Today, June 23 1999

Tamatha Brannon of suburban Atlanta said Tuesday that she has
filed an obscenity complaint against Toys’R’Us because her
11-year-old son picked up an Austin Powers doll that asked, “Do
I make you horny, baby, do I?” Exposure to the doll forced a
vocabulary word on her son “that he otherwise would never have
known to ask,” Brannon says. McFarlane Toys, maker of the doll,
says the shipping of a version of its Austin Powers toy intended
for specialty stores, not mass-market retailers such as
Toys’R’Us, was “an isolated event of human error.” The version
that Toys R Us carries instead asks, “Would you fancy a shag?”
Shag is British slang for sexual relations.

This really isn’t that unusual of a story, except the part where
they say what the Toys’R’Us model says. Is there really that
much of a difference?!

There once was a boy who had a voice, but never chose to speak.
That is because his parents once told him if he opened his
mouth, spiders would crall in. He hated spiders. Well one day he
took a walk with his mom. But what he didn’t know, is she and
the boys dad set up a joke to make him speak. Well the dad was
secretly hiding behind a tree and then he poured out a bottle of
spiders. And, as planed, they cralled all over the boys mom. She
was screaming to him to get help. When he found his dad, he was
going to tell him, but when he opened his mouth, spiders flew in
and bit his insides and killed him. The parents didn’t know how
that happened. They decided to have another child, but not tell
him about his other brother and the spiders…