Category: movies & tv

What does Popeye do when his favorite tool gets rusty?

He sticks it in Olive Oil.

Q: Something in the garden thats green?
A: A shed.

Q: Something that flies that doesnt have an engine?
A: A bicycle with wings.

Q: Something you could be allergic to?
A: Skiing.

Q: Name a famous brige?
A: The bridge over troubled water.

Q: Something a cat does?
A: Goes to the bathroom.

Q: Something you can do in the bathroom?
A: Decorate.

Q: Name an animal you might see at the zoo?
A: A dog.

Q: Something associated with cops?
A: Pigs.

Q: A sign of the zodiac?
A: April.

Q: Something slippery?
A: A con man.

Q: A kind of ache?
A: Fillet ‘O’ fish.

Q: A food that could be brown or white?
A: Potato.

Q: A potato topping?
A: Jam.

Q: Something with a hole in it?
A: A window.

Q: Non-living creature with legs?
A: Plant.

Q: A domestic animal?
A: Leopard.

Q: Part of the body that starts with “N”?
A: Knee.

Q: A way of cooking fish?
A: Cod.

Q: Something you open other than the door?
A: Your bowels.

Q: Name something a blind person might use?
A: A sword.

Q: Name a song with moon in the title?
A: Blue suade moon.

Q: Name a bird with a long neck?
A: Naomi Campell.

Q: Name a occupation that you might need a torch?
A: A burgler.

Q: Name a famous brother and sister?
A: Bonnie and clyde.

Q: Name a dangerous race?
A: The arabs.

Q: Name a item or clothing worn by the tree musketeers?
A: Horse.

Q: Name something that floats in the bath?
A: Water.

Q: Name something you wear at the beach?
A: A deck chair.

Q: Name something thats red?
A: A cardigan.

Q: Name a famous cowboy?
A: Buck rogers.

Q: Something you do before going to bed?
A: Sleep.

Q: Something you put on the walls?
A: Roofs.

and the best ever screw up on family fued is………

Q: Name a number you have to memorize?
A: 7.

Who let these people on the show??

What were the first curse words heard on T.V.?

“Ward, you were a little rough on the Beaver last night.”

Why did Dr. Evil cross the road?

To get Austin Power’s Mo-Jo.

13. Star Wars I: “Star Trek, the Next Generation” kisses our Jedi ass.

12. Just Hand Over the Wallet, and Nobody Gets Hurt

11. Springtime for Vader

10. Episode I: Mr. Lucas Wants A Bigger Boat

9. Obi Wan, Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan, Obi Wan.

8. Your turn, Steven.

7. The Toys-R-Us Christmas ’99 Catalog

6. Boba Fett’s Not In It So Don’t Even Ask, Fanboy!!!!

5. Titanic *THIS*, Jim Cameron!

4. Star Wars I (Harrison Ford Not Included)

3. Star Wars: Yoda Man! No, Yoda Man!

2. There’s Something About Money

1. Come To Papa, You Geeks

1. You always have to save someone’s life, always. (If they are
going to die because they ticked off an explosives expert,
that’s your problem. Not mine!)

2. The richest family in the world is always in your town, and
usually mad at you. (Funny, I’ve never met Bill Gates, or even
seen him!)

3. Never hesitate to take a vacation from work, they will always
find someone to cover for you, your reasons don’t matter, and
you will never get fired. This applies to those times when you
need to skip town for a month because that bad guy is trying to
kill you. (Wouldn’t that be nice???)

4. You are always the BEST at what you do and there is ALWAYS
someone out there trying to beat you. (That brings a whole new
meaning to arch nemesis for me.)

5. Someone is always trying to kill you or stalk you. (Only in
Brooklyn!)

6. It is possible to become a rocket scientist by the age of 20
as long as you are blonde and pretty. (I guess that explains why
I don’t have a job!)

7. You can break into anyone’s house within two minutes.
Experience with locks and security alarms/guards are never a
problem to get rid of. Dogs will always be distracted by a bone.
(Criminals, give all your compliments to the writers!)

8. For the men, a beautiful young girl will easily fall in love
with you, even if you are a bum. (Everyone has their good
points!)

9. No fat people exist. (I guess I should break out those
weights!)

10. Bad guys are always bad for no reason and have no
explanations for what they do, other than they are plain evil.
(Well that explains my mother-in-law!)

11. Vampires do indeed exist, and you are usually in love with
them. (Not someone I’d like to take home to Ma. But hey, that’s
just me!)

12. To be in love, it isn’t necessary to know anything about the
person. (A nice “What’s your name?” isn’t too much to ask for!)

13. “I love you, always.” really means “I love you for today.”
Which comes to a similar point, forever means until I find out
you’re sleeping with my brother/sister. (My how time flies!)

14. Your mate is usually sleeping with someone very close to
you. (What is this? Jerry Springer???)

15. If you were a nerd, that doesn’t matter! Your best friend
will style your hair differently and immediately make you a
hottie. (Did I mention for under $5?)

16. Think nothing of death. If your life is being threatened,
it’s probably your time anyway. (Gee, that’s nice to know!)

17. When someone holds your family hostage, do NOT call the
police. Instead, strap a lot of bombs around you and threaten to
blast the place to pieces! (Of course!!!!????)

18. You will always have an adventure with your crush. (Some
people have all the luck!)

19. Chaperones can always be tied up and forgotten about for a
couple days. (Why didn’t I learn this before I turned 18???)

20. There is always a secret to hide. (A white lie never hurt
anybody!)

21. It is very easy to blackmail someone. Digging into their
past is simple with a few private investigators and remember,
there is always something to hide. (Blackmailing 101 sounds like
a waste of time after that comment!)

22. Mind control is simple and will work on anyone. (You are
getting very sleepy…)

23. The good guys always win. (That’s a refreshing thought!)

24. It isn’t necessary to change clothes. One outfit will last
you a week or so. (I’m not one to enjoy doing laundry, but isn’t
that unsanitary?)

25. It is possible to get ready and get to your destination in
less than one scene with a new suit! (Approximately 5 minutes.)

51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
number among his army.

52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.

53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices.

54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being
executed. Those that take more than two seconds to respond will be killed
either way.

55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. Not that the key
will be anywhere near the hero.

56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks
and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans. I
will then lie to her, and see if she betrays me.

57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to
give the other guy a sporting chance.

58. I will not rely entirely upon “totally reliable” spells that can be
neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talisman.

59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for
failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random, totally reliable
underling.

60. If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.

Do you know how ‘Smurfs’ make love?

They smuck!

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously
allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather,
it gives me the opportunity to kill him while he is distracted.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed
chamber.

34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason
I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately
flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from
there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to
attempt this.

36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

37. Even though I don’t really care because I plan on living forever, I
will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough
that, if I am slain, it won’t tumble to the ground for no good structural
reason.

38. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
confusion.

39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will
surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic
relief.

40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

Why did Tigger get his head stuck in the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

1) “Luke in Bactine Tank” A favorite scene from “Empire”
recreated in miniature, complete with a removable diaper for
Luke. Unfortunately, it was found that the glowing bactine wash
posed a radioactive health hazard for tykes.

2) “Missile Hand Luke” Luke doll with a special lever on his
back which causes his artificial hand to shoot off at 25 mph.
Manufacturers recalled it when hands started finding their way
into eyeballs, windpipes, and other orifices.

3) “Exploding Death Star” Potential radiation burn/shrapnel
hazard, which did not keep kids from recreating the scene with
their own “normal” Death Star and a few M-60’s.

4) “Black Princess Leia” Promoted as competition for Mattel’s
popular “Black Disco Barbie”; did not find expected level of
popularity.

5) “Incredible Shavable Han Solo” Sprouted real hair; failed
miserably when tested on real kids.

6) “Dissect An Ewok Kit” The deal was off when Play-doh pulled
out at the last minute.

7) “Nit-laden Chewbacca” Concept behind this was that kids would
enjoy picking nits off of a large, furry Chewbacca. Didn’t do
well, since it came with real nits which quickly spread to other
parts of the house.

8) The Ugnaught figures made from Genetically altered mice. PETA
sank that one real quick.

9) Emperor Palpatine Doll/Tesla Coil. Hey kids, real lightning!
Kill your enemies! Nixed due to obvious danger of children
accidentally running up huge power bills.

10) Full scale working Death Star Kit. Kenner built one fully
working model, but it was destroyed. They were halfway finished
with their second when it too was destroyed. Plans were scrapped
to build any more.

11) Darth Vader Funeral Pyre. They couldn’t figure out how to
make a character who had been 4 inches tall and thin into a
character 2.5 inches tall and fat as a slug once you removed his
helmet. Also a problem with the fact that it only worked once.

12) Aunt Beru doll. Nixed as just plain stupid. A huge loss to
those fans of Bok Choi and blue Kool-aid out there.

13) “Real-Guts” Tauntaun. Also referred to as “The Visible
Tauntaun.” Once you pulled off the skin, you could see all the
internal organs. Much like real tauntauns, it stank to high
heaven. Other problem: Like similar toy “The Visible Man,”
Visible Tauntaun’s organs never went back in right and you were
always left with an extra organ or two.

14) “Learn the Force At Home” Kit. Included self-hypnosis
training tapes and rocks to lift. Recalled after thousands of
children with no strong parental figure turned to the Dark Side,
killing their parents and saying things like “You are part of
the Rebel Alliance and you did not make me the type of sandwich
that I like!” while strangling them from across the room.

15) “Fun Fusion Grenade.” Seen in the exciting throneroom scene
in Return of the Jedi where a disguised Leia holds it up to
bluff out Jabba the Hutt. Problem was, the kids didn’t
understand the concept of a fusion grenade and would often
actually detonate it while trying to bluff their parents into
extending their bedtime.

16) “Mr. Hutt-Head.” A Mr. Potato Head ripoff which had a Jabba
body and a series of switchable heads with the faces of famous
fat people. See Rush The Hutt, Willard The Hutt, John Candy The
Hutt, etc. Nixed when famous fat people got angry at being
identified with Pizza Hutt. (they just didn’t get it).

17) Pimp Lando Figure. Lando as a loc-ed out pimp daddy. Long
brown leather coat, straight razor, huge afro, gold tooth, etc.
Actually molded, packaged, and ready to be shipped when the
makers of the Shaft figures sued for copyright infringement.

18) Dead Admiral Doll. Well, Vader killed so many Admirals in
the three movies that Kenner figured that there should be a
doll. Problem was, he couldn’t be posed and would always fall
over in a heap. Kids decided they could fake it with a normal
Admiral doll and chose not to purchase this no-spined rubbery
thing.

19) Roller Disco Cloud City Worker. Roller Disco went out of
fashion, so the skakes were cut off and the hair removed, and
thus the figure was converted to Lando’s Pal Lobot with the
weird headphones.

20) Voices of the Dead Driving Headset. The voice of Ben Kenobi
helps You drive around town. “Watch out for the brown van,
Luke!” “The light is about to turn green, Luke!” Actually a
great help for drivers, but failed on the market due to the fact
that not very many people are named Luke, and no one likes a
back seat driver.

21) Talking Stormtroopers. Pull a string on their chest and they
would say things like “There’s one, set for stun!” or “Look Sir,
Droids!” During production the voiceboxes got switched with
talking Barbie. The stormtroopers ended up saying things like:
“Gosh, math is so hard!” and “Let’s Go Shopping!” while Barbie
barked out “What do you mean, radiation leak?”

22) Speaking of Radiation Leaks, the best toy of all: The Death
Star Detention center. Eventually it was toned down to two lame
rooms in the 4-story death star playset, but it was originally
conceived of as a set all to itself, with rooms such as “b*s
communications center” where you try to talk your way out of
tight fixes with such lies as “oh, weapons misfire.” The hallway
of harmless light: fifty stormtroopers pump bolts of laser fire
down the hall where you and your four friends have no harm done
to you, even though you have no cover to speak of. The best part
about the detention center was that it included some cool dolls:
“torture/interrogation droid,” “giggling Moff Tarkin doll,” and
“flayed flesh Leia,” not to mention “stupid gullible guard”
doll. Eventually stopped by Kenner brass who noticed that
playtesting kids were getting a little too into the torture
room. Fearful of breeding a generation of Salvadorean Death
Squads, they pulled the plug on this toy.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the forest when she
sees the Big Bad Wolf behind the bushes. She walks up to him and
says, “My, what big eyes you have!” The wolf then jumps up and
runs away.

Later on, Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, but this time he
was behind a tree, she walks up to him again and says, “My, what
big ears you have!” Again, the wolf jumps up and runs from her.

As she continued her walk she sees the wolf a third time behind
a fence, she walks up to him and says, “My, what big teeth you
have!” The wolf popped up from behind the fence and says, “Damn
it, would you leave me alone? I am trying to take a shit!!!”