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An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.
“I’m sorry sir,” she said politely, “but you have to show your ticket; not your STUB.”
With a little help from our friends!
Police in Oakland, California, spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing 10 teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up!’
What was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
These nitwits are teaching our children?
A nine-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia, received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him ‘jump higher’.
and… A student in Belle, West Virginia, was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s ‘zero-tolerance’ policy (not to be confused with the ‘zerointelligence’ policy).
They definitely saw this bloke coming
Fire investigators on Maui, Hawaii, have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. ‘This is even worse than last year,’ said the distraught homeowner, ‘when someone broke in and stole my new security system.’
Working for your supper!
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Taking care of the competition
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. ‘There are too many business grads out there,’ he said. ‘If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.’
Me and my big mouth!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,’ the man shouted, ‘That’s not what I said!’
Burning a hole in the pocket!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. ‘He was seen hopping and jumping around,’ said police spokesman Mike Carey, ‘with an explosion taking place inside his pants.’ Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody.
My old man’s a plonker!
A man spoke frantically into the phone, ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!’ ‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked. ‘No, you idiot!’ the man shouted. ‘This is her husband!’
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
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Santa Claus is a woman….I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:
Men can’t pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don’t answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!
He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, “Judith?”
“Yes, this is Judith.” “Will you marry me?” “Of course. Who’s speaking?”
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four
males sitting in the car.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will
if required…so get out of the car!
The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
Small problem: her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car was identical and
parked four or five spaces further down.
She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four very pale
males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman.
No charges were filed.
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del.,
as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
Not if you are the groom.
How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
At least one within a week of the wedding.
What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
Anything except “Tied to the Whipping Post”.
There were two rumates and the one that slept ontop brung his girlfriend and he told her when they have sex for his room mate wont here if it herts say bread if you want me to go fast say Lettuce and if you want me to go slow say tomatoes.Then the next day when they woke up his room mate says “your awake?they said ” yes”well then u better stop making sandwiches at night cause you got mainaise in my mouth and eyes.
The Roslin lab in Scotland is scheduled for a government budget cut.
“But that won’t have much effect,” says Michael X. Ferraro. “Once
you’ve cloned sheep, it’s not that difficult to counterfeit money.”
TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.