Noted Dough Boy Dies…

Noted Dough Boy Dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe
yeast infection He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest
funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.
Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the
Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime
friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who
“never knew he was kneaded”.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he
was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife.
They had two children, and…
one in the oven.

My very first time!

The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.

I don’t know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it’s all over now.
My first time ever…
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…Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)

Unreal Court Rulings

1. January 2000. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson’s son.

2. June 1998. Nineteen-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over Carl’s hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice that someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

3. October 1998. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was exiting a house he had finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up as the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t reenter the house because the door between the garage and the house had locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr.Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr.Dickson, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance company, claiming the situation had caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

4. October 1999. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard. Mr. Williams was also in the yard. The award was less than the amount sought because the jury felt that the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams, who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out two front teeth. This occurred when Ms. Walton was trying to sneak out through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

I’d Love To But…(Pt IV)

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won’t be invited out again!
(unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

I’D LOVE TO BUT…

… I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
… I feel a song coming on.
… I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
… I have to bleach my hare.
… I have too much guilt.
… I just picked up a book called “Glue in Many Lands” and I’m stuck on it…
… I never go out on days that end in “Y.”
… I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.
… I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
… I’m having all my plants neutered.
… I’m making a home movie called “The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator.”
… I’m too old for that stuff.
… I’m too young for that stuff.
… I’m touring China with a wok band.
… I’m trying desperately to be less popular.
… I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
… I’m waiting to see if I’m already a winner.
… My bathroom tiles need grouting.
… My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
… My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
… My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

MAFIA Valetine Card Verses

My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

Black Cloud

There was a black guy a mexican guy and a white guy

They all died and went to heaven When they got up there an angel said sorry guys its not time for you guys to die yet so Im going to have to send you all back But since you guys have been in Heaven you guys when you go back to earth you guys cant step on a black cloud or something bad will happen to you

So they all said ok The first week back on earth the mexican steps on a black cloud and something bad happens to him he gets the ugliest girl on earth I mean the ugliest The second week the black guy steps on a black cloud something bad happens to him he gets the second ugliest girl in the world The white guy for a year or so doesnt step on a black cloud so the angel rewards him with the most prettiest girl in the world

So the white guy his girl the most prettiest in the world her freind asks her so how did you get with the white guy she says I stepped in a black cloud