Category: mostly true stories

What does a baby say befor its born?

“THERES A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL”

These are actually things which people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A Kansas policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem, a 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD”.

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, “TIPS” and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

Submitted by Admim
Edited by Curtis

Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident?
A. Yes Sir, I was so ‘cited I peed all over myself!!

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary:

You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

MIDDLETOWN, Connecticut (AP) — A woman charged with causing a fatal car crash in 1999 says that she couldn’t have been behind the wheel because she was performing a sex act on the driver at the time.

Heather Specyalski, 33, was charged with second-degree manslaughter in the crash that killed businessman Neil Esposito. Prosecutors alleged that she was driving Esposito’s Mercedes-Benz convertible when it veered off the road and hit several trees.

But Specyalski claims that Esposito was driving, she was performing oral sex on him at the time, said her attorney, Jeremiah Donovan. He noted that Esposito’s pants were down when he was thrown from the car.

Superior Court Judge Robert L. Holzberg ruled Tuesday that Specyalski can proceed with the defense, despite objections by the prosecutor.

“A defendant has a right to offer a defense no matter how outlandish, silly or unbelievable one might think it will be,” Holzberg said. He added: “No one ever told me in law school that we’d be having these kinds of conversations in open court.”

Assistant State’s Attorney Maureen Platt said the defense is flawed.

“His pants could have been down because he was mooning a car he was drag racing,” Platt said. “His pants could have been down because he was urinating out of a window. His pants could have been down because he wasn’t feeling well.”

Also Tuesday, Holzberg denied Donovan’s motion to use gender as grounds to eliminate jurors. Donovan had argued that women would be biased and more likely to convict.

Submitted by yisman
Edited by Curtis

Then there was the psychology professor, a Yankee’s Yankee and a
feminist’s feminist, who tells the following story about herself to illustrate
that doctorates don’t necessarily make you smart.

She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in Ohio.
It was about 10 am, and she’d been driving the entire preceding day and night
herself, and she was consequently not in the best of tempers as she searched
for a motel in which to crash.

A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his cruiser,
swaggered up to her driver’s window, bent down, and drawled, “Lookie here,
darlin’,”–uh oh, everybody duck–“Lookie here, darlin’, nobody blows
through Georgia that fast.”

Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: “Sherman did.”

She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding ticket;
he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to Nowheresburg, GA, and
wait at the police station until three in the afternoon for a circuit judge
to arrive so that he could explain to her why it wasn’t the best idea in
the world to be impolite to policemen, who were after all interested only
in creating the safest possible environment for everybody including her,
etc. etc. The lecture went on for about two hours, she says, after which
she was released to drive the fifty miles back to her route and resume her
search for someplace to crash.

Only in Merry Olde England

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on
account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had
him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in
such a manner. His reply was:

When the lady boarded the bus I couldn’t help noticing she was pregnant. She
sat under an advertisement which read “Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins”, then
she moved under one that read “Sloans Liniments remove Swelling”. I was even
more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read “William
Stick Did The Trick”. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the
fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read “Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.”

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker’s a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it’s a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn’t quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

“Now Compaq! Now Acer!”, my speaker did reel;
“On Apple! On Gateway!” Santa started to squeal!
“Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!”

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my “Ram”,
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin’ to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain’t the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a “Dimm”,
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai’s Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
“Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!”

Merry Xmas to you all !!!

* Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

* 21% of us don’t make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

* Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

* 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

* 85% of men don’t use the slit in their underwear.

* 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs).

* The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B.

* 85% of women wear the wrong bra size.

* 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations.

* 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring’s homework.

* 91% of us lie regularly.

* 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

* 29% admit they’ve intentionally stolen something from a store.

* 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.

* 90% believe in divine retribution.

* 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

* 82% believe in an afterlife.

* 45% believe in ghosts.

* 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

* 29% of us are virgins when we marry.

* 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren’t.

* 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

* Over 50% believe in spanking – but only a child over 2 years old.

* 35% give to charity at least once a month.

* How far would you go for $10 million?

25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion.

7% would murder.

* 69% eat the cake before the frosting.

* When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

* 85% of us will eat Spam this year.

* 70% of us drink orange juice daily.

* Snickers is the most popular candy.

* 22% of us skip lunch daily.

* 9% of us skip breakfast daily.

* 66% of us eat cereal regularly.

* 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.

* 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

* Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

* 45% use mouthwash every day.

* 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

* The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

* Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.

* 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

* 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

* 58% of women paint their nails regularly.

* 62% of us pop our zits.

* 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?)

* 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

* 57% have had deja vu.

* 49% believe in ESP.

* 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.

* The average girl starts her period at age 12.

* 44% have broken a bone.

* Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

* 14% have attended a self-help meeting.

* 15% regularly go to a shrink.

* 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

* 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they’ve used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up.

* 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

* 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

* 23.5% admit they don’t always flush.

* 45.2% pee in the shower.

* 44.9% pee in the ocean.

* 28.1% pee in the pool.

* 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they’re sing the toilet.

* 39% of us peek in our host’s bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

* 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants.

* 29% of us ignore RSVP.

* 71.6% of us eavesdrop.

* 22% are functionally illiterate.

* Less than 10% are trilingual.

* 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

* 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

* 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

* 2 out of 3 of us wouldn’t give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks.

* 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

* 40% of us have had music lessons.

* 44% reuse tinfoil.

* 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

* 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

* 53% read their horoscopes regularly.

* 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

* 59% of us say we’re average-looking.

* Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

* 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

* 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers.

* 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the op`osite sex.

* 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

* On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

* 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

* 2 out of 5 have married their first love.

* The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

* Only 4% asked the parents’ approval for their bride’s hand.

* 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

* 6% propose over the phone.

* 71% can drive a stick-shift car.

* 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit.

* 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

* 1/3 of us don’t wear seat belts.

* 12% of men never use their car blinkers.

* 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

* 25% of us drive after we’ve been drinking.

* 4 out of 5 sing in the car.

Looking for Love: “Heartthrob Fabio announced he is looking for his dream
woman,” says Jay Leno. “He says he wants someone who’s funny, secure,
independent and has a good personality. You know what’s really sad- the
one woman in Hollywood who fits those criteria is Ellen DeGeneres.”