Category: mostly true stories

If you yelled for eight years, seven months and six days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you pass air consistently for six years and nine months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (That one’s easy to understand, isn’t it?)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 9.5 m. (And you thought those Monty Python guys didn’t do any fact checking!)

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about pigs?)

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmm…)

You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 ha of pizza every day. (It shows.)

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming one-tenth of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. (Moral: Always be willing to pay extra for good champagne. Cheap champagne is not worth the risk.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (So those teachers that used to whack your left hand with a ruler and make you write with your right hand were actually trying to do you a favor, the miserable, misguided, fascist, sadistic bastards.)

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. (That’s a real leg crosser!)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (How did they know that?)

Polar bears are left-handed. (This means they live, on average, nine years less.)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (Are our palates just not sophisticated enough to appreciate the complex taste of pond scum?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s the equivalent of a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (‘Honey. I’m home… What the…?’)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Yeah, baby!)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (0h shit!)

Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

A cat’s urine glows under a black light. (That’s in case you can’t smell it.)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Starfish haven’t got brains.

These statements were found on actual products.

On hairdryer instructions Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

Frozen dinner that says: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco’s Tirimisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boots’ (pharmacy chain in the UK) children’s cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery after use.

On Nytol: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

I don’t usually pass on unhappy news like this, and I know you are busy,
but sometimes we have to pause and remember the things that have deeply
affected our lives. The entertainment world experienced a great loss
today. The composer of the song “Hokey Pokey” died. What really made his
passing so distressing is that they had trouble keeping the body in the
casket.

They’d put his left leg in, he’d put his left leg out… and…well, you
know the rest…

First Convict: I heard the Warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Warden’s mighty upset about it too.

Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con?

First Convict: No. Because they eloped!

Still, there are some things a big company can do that a small band of
programmers could never hope to accomplish. This was best shown to me
this week by reader Brian P. McLean, who points out that according to his
Microsoft Outlook 97 scheduling/datebook application, Thanksgiving falls
this year on Wednesday, November 26.

Thanksgiving has always fallen on Thursday before. Wednesday may be an
improvement. I don’t know.

– Robert X. Cringely, from his “I, Cringely” column (November 7, 1997)

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced…

“It’s a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!”

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying, “Hello.” I politely said, “This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?” Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an @$$hole!” and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word ‘@$$hole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an @$$hole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic ‘@$$hole’ calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I’m just calling to see if you’re interested in the Caller ID program?”

He yelled, “NO!” and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an @$$hole!”

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first @$$hole, ( I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW @$$hole, too.

I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Can you tell me where I can see it?”

“Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.

“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”

“I’m home every evening after five.”

“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”

“Yes?”

“Don, you’re an @$$hole.” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two @$$holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be So, I came up with an idea.

I called @$$hole #1.

“Hello.”

“You’re an @$$hole!” (But I didn’t hang up.)

“Are you still there?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Stop calling me,” he screamed.

“Make me,” I said.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“My name is Don Hansen.”

“Yeah? Where do you live?”

“@$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”

He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.”

I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, @$$hole.”

Then I called @$$hole #2.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hello, @$$hole,” I said.

He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are!”

“You’ll what?” I said.

“I’ll kick your @$$,” he exclaimed.

I answered, “Well, @$$hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 4 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.

There I saw two @$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis

Callus Collection

Florence Franklin of Peoria, IL, holds the record. As of Sept 12, 1992, Florence had over 200 pounds of callus in her collection. “I shave it off people,” Florence told us. “They don’t mind. Some people even autograph the big pieces.”

Infestation of Mites (Group)

This record belongs to the 3,859 residents of Itchy Butt, Montana. In 1989, visiting doctors certified that every person in the town was suffering from scabies, a skin disease caused by mite infection. “The mites seemed to be jumping from one person to another,” the mayor of Itchy Butt told us, “so we decided to get together and go for the record.”

Snail-Sucking (Live)

Armand Forcalquier, of Marseille, France, holds the record. In a contest held on Feb 12, 1992, Armand sucked down 1,238 live snails in a little over 4 hours. “It was not easy,” Armand boasted after he learned the record was his. “They cling to their shells, but they can’t get away from me.”

Nose Stuffing (Limburger Cheese)

Hans Kleiber, of West Berlin, holds the record. In a contest held on May 1, 1986, Hans managed to stuff 13 ounces of limburger into his nostrils in less than a minute. Hans’ closest competitor gagged on nine ounces and was disqualified.

Raw Kidney (Eating)

Alice Caldwell of Butte, Montana, holds the record. On Oct 22, 1991, Alice gobbled up more than 14 pounds of raw veal and lamb kidneys. “Kidneys are a good source of protein and vitamins,” Alice told us. “If you cook them, you lose some of the vitamins. As you can see, I don’t care about the record – I care about my health.”

Roach (Largest)

Rita Carlson, of Pasadena, CA, claims the record for having raised the world’s largest roach. Her record-setting roach is over a foot long and weighs close to two pounds (1992). “Plenty of protein,” Rita told us, “and plenty of good, natural vitamins helped to make this roach into a champion. You should have seen it when I first found it crawling around my kitchen.” {There are a couple more roach records. One is highest paid for a roach named Lassie II ($112,450) and longest living (Lassie, 12 years). Both roaches came from roach afficianado Sheila Biderman. About the oldest roach, Sheila reports that “She’s like one of the family. If she ever gets too old to poke around food by herself, you can bet I’ll do the humane thing and step on her, record or no record.”}

Socks (Continuous Wear)

Andy Schwartz, of Glen Ridge, NJ, claimed the record in 1989. In a sworn statement, Andy’s wife declared that he had worn the same socks every day for twenty years and 114 days. In 1983, shoe stores throughout New Jersey banned Andy from their premises. Since then he has purchased his shoes through the mail. Andy plans to remove the socks and take a look at his feet in 1999.

Tapeworm (Longest)

Sally Mae Wallace of Great Grits, Mississippi, holds the record. On Sep 5, 1991, doctors extracted 37 feet (continuous) of tapeworm from Sally. “About after 20 feet of that thing had come out of my mouth,” Sally told us, “I just knew I had the record. I was really filled with joy.”

Tongue (Hairiest)

Selma Ruby, of Dallas, Texas, holds the record. Selma’s tongue is fully covered with hair (1992). “I’ve been thinking about having it removed by an electrolysist,” Selma told us, “though lately people have been telling me that it’s beautiful.”

Underarm Hair (Length)

Florence Floss of Ban, Idaho, holds the record. On July 15, 1992, the hair growing out of Florence’s left armpit stretched to a length of 34 inches. This was more than enough for a record, but Florence hopes to have a yard of hair dangling from her armpit soon. “I shave the other armpit,” Florence reported to us.

Feet (Smell)

On Aug 21, 1991, Wanda Lake, 18, broke the record held by George David. Wanda removed her shoes in the crowded lobby of a Los Angeles theatre. In the five minutes that followed, the lobby was a chaotic mass of panic-stricken people trying desperately to escape. In the end, 42 people were sick, and 14 others had passed out.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that “flying reindeer” (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

This is pretty close to an actual sales call I received. The sales
person’s name has been changed. The company name has not. I think
we’ll stick with our current provider.

Bob: Hello, I’m Bob ______ from AT&T, and I’m calling to let you know
about the Internet services we offer. Do you have a minute to…

Me: I’m kind of busy right now, but if you could just email me the
information I’ll call you back if I’m interested. My address
is…

Bob: Could I have your fax number? We’re behind a firewall, so our email
doesn’t always get through.

Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in West
Lafayette, Ind., in May on theft and fraud charges. Pyrcioch allegedly
cashed checks that he had written with disappearing ink, apparently
believing the checks would be blank by the time they were presented to the
bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained, and police said
Pyrcioch would have a better chance of getting away with it if he had not
used checks pre-printed with his name and account number on them.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned
when he ran,” according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a
200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.