Category: mostly true stories

A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.

The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her, “Why are you dressed up in black?”

The woman replied, “Well, that’s because I’m not a virgin.”

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

One night at 11.30 pin, an older African-American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm.

Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a lift.

Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her – generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s.

The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi.

She seemed to be in a big hurry. She wrote down his address, thanked him and drove away.

Seven days went by and a knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.

It read: ‘Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes but my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband’s bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.

Sincerely
Mrs Nat King Cole.’

English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple…

English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese.

So, one moose, 2 meese?

One index, two indices?

Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as hell
one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down.

You fill in a form by filling
it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it

Famed Anthropologist Mary Leakey died at the age of 83. Leakey
was buried near her home, where she will rest in peace, until
some nosy anthropologist digs her up.

– Norm MacDonald

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don’t wanna go to.

I’D LOVE TO BUT…

…I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
…I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
…I have to floss my pets…
…I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.
…I want to spend more time with my blender.
…I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
…I’m building a pig from a kit.
…I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
…I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
…I’m getting my overalls overhauled.
…I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
…I’m staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
…I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
…I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
…I’ve got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
…It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.
…My patent is pending.
…The nice man on television told me to say tuned…

1. American Express calls and says: “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You’ve rolled so many pennies, you’ve formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don’t call you to switch.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter…and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. Your bologna has no first name.
11. You give blood everyday…just for the orange juice.
12. Sally Struthers sends you food.
13. McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
14. At communion you go back for seconds.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. “Jeeves,” she said. “Take off my dress. “

He did this carefully.

“Jeeves,” she continued. “Take off my stockings and garter.”

He silently obeyed her.

“Jeeves,” she then said. “Remove my bra and panties. “

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, “Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you’re fired!”

Jennifer Wilbanks, who faked her own kidnapping was picked up by police over the weekend.

Officials believe Jennifer may have had cold feet about her wedding that was about to take place.

For a few days last week, police thought her fiancé John Mason was a suspect in her disappearance.

Come on, you knew he was innocent; no one thinks about killing their wife until after they’ve been married a few weeks.

If I could have Thanksgiving dinner with anyone dead or or alive I would choose:

alive

One of our Favorite Headlines

“Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says”

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isn’t it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn’t it just a lovely tree?
Where would you like me to stick it?”

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.