Category: mostly true stories

You Ought to be in Pictures: More than 50 people responded to an
invitation to a casting call for a Robert DeNiro movie being shot in
Boston. The only problem was, the invitations were sent by police. To
people with outstanding arrest warrants. One woman complained she
“took a day off from work” to meet DeNiro. She was led away in
handcuffs instead. “It’s so nice to scam people who are scammers,”
one detective said. The casting call, sent to 3,800 fugitives,
offered more than $200 for two hours of work as extras, plus the
chance of “becoming famous.” (UPI)

Woman in a restaurant: right, id like a scoop of strawberry icecream, a scoop of chocolate icecream, and a scoop of vanilla please!

Waiter: I’m sorry madam, it seems we have no choclate.

Woman: (sighs) then ill have a strawberry milkshake, vanilla milkshake and a chocolate milkshake please!

Waiter: I’m sorry we dont have any chocolate milkshake.

Woman: Fine. I’ll have a strawberry shortcake, vanilla shortcake and a chocolate shortcake PLEASE!

Waiter: Madam, we have NO chocolate! tell me, please, is there the word ‘van’ in vanilla?

Woman: Yes, theres a ‘van’ in vanilla

Waiter: And, is the word straw in strawberry?

Woman: Yes, theres a ‘straw’ in strawberry.

Waiter: Is there a ‘fuck’ in choclate

Woman: Theres no ‘fuck’ in choclate

Waiter: THAT’S WHAT IV’E BEEN TRYING 2 TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off
white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man.
She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

“What seems to be the problem, Madam?” asked the attendant.

“Can’t you see?” she said, “You’ve sat me next to a kafir. I can’t
possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!”

“Please calm down, Madam.” the stewardess replied. “The flight is very
full today, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll go and check to see if we
have any seats available in club or first class”.

The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to
mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the
stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who
cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and
self-satisfied grin.

“Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I’ve spoken to the
cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one
seat in first class”.

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: “It is
most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to
get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the
captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit
next such an obnoxious person.”

With that, she turned to the black man and said: “So if you’d like to get
your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you…”

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing
ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane

And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers, and teachers:

“This paper needs a few comas.”

“When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a urinal.”

“We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee.”

“You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal.”

“It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage.”

“At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last year.”

“Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure.”

“LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed.”

“Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken.”

“Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest.”

“Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection.”

“Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill’s clothes. We’ve been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests.”

“Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist.”

“Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter’s absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool.”

Steven C. Neighorn
Portland Public Schools

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.

The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.

They put him in the car and drove
back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”

1. Watch the sunset– on a sled.
2. Smile more, –it might get you a free beer.
3. Complain less. –It might get you a free beer.
4. Surprise a friend with a call. — It might get you a free beer.
5. Develop your gifts. — You might need them.
6. Count your blessings. — You might need these too!
7. Talk to someone in an elevator. — Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.
8. Breathe consciously once in a while. — This cures snoring.
9. Enjoy sneezes — and stay behind the one sneezing.
10. Appreciate that your leg isn’t broken, — unless you are an actor.
11. Be unique, –it demonstrates difference!
12. Sing in the shower. — With a friend!
13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, — or have someone laugh at you.
14. Make someone’s day, — or night.
15. Stand on your head. — For a free beer!
16. Stare at the world above you. — Hopefully not from under a bar.
17. Play with an animal. — Be sure it is one which cannot eat you!
18. Slurp Jell-O. –Add Vodka for flavor.
19. Do something unplanned. — Plan to do it this weekend!
20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. — This is hard!
21. Stand back and look in. — Tell my wife this when shopping all the time.
22. Appreciate a paradox — paradox a appreciate.
23. Dive in. — Naked!
24. Get grass stains. — Naked 🙂
25. Wave your hands in the air.– Use the middle finger at birds.
26. Swim with the fishes. — Again, naked.
27. Make maple syrup. — Don’t use pine juice.
28. Climb a tree. –Don’t climb a pine.
29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. — Don’t fall in a mud puddle.
30. Tell someone they look nice. — You look nice.
31. Collect something, — like taxes from the tax collector!
32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. — Even in the snow!
33. Build a sand castle, — or a snowman.
34. Walk with no destination. — Talk with no destination.
35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. — OK I WILL! Then a beer.
36. Entertain yourself by making faces. — bend over and see if they look the same.
37. Don’t just listen, try to hear. –Then try to listen to a friend.
38. Wear shoes until they’re so old they won’t stay on your feet. –Then wear them swimming.
39. Appreciate the primary colors. — Know them!
40. When you wake up, realize you’re alive. — Promise not to use vulgarities.
41. Walk in the rain, — with a bar of soap.
42. Blow bubbles, — in the tub!
43. Make the most of where you are. — Ride an Arctic Cat!
44. Jump as high as you can. — Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it.
45. Dance — in bed
46. Talk less and say more. –Carry a BIG stick.
47. Exercise before you diet. — 12 oz. curls don’t count do they?
48. Learn to play chess. — That and Linear Algebra may come in handy.
49. Sit by a river. — With a beer, on an Arctic Cat.
50. Never lose your sense of humor. — You will need it!

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.

“I don’t have one,” she said.
“Well then, are you a friend of the groom?”
“I should say not,” snapped the woman, “I’m the bride’s mother!”

In the current film, Titanic, the character Rose is shown giving the
finger to Jack (another character).Many people who have seen the film,
question whether “giving the finger” was done around the time of the
Titanic disaster,or was it a more recent gesture invented by some defiant
seventh-grader. According to research, here’s the true story:

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the
future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and
the act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew” (or “pluck
yew”).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waved their middle fingers at the defeated
French,saying, “See, we can still pluck yew! “PLUCK YEW!”

Over the years some ‘folk etymologies’ have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say (like “pleasant
mother pheasant plucker”, which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the
beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative ‘F’,and thus the
words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly
thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also
because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is
known as “giving the bird”.

And yew all thought yew knew everything!

One of our Favorite Headlines

“Iraqi Head Seeks Arms”

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went “a little bit too
far” in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who
was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge
reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

What has 6 balls and screws you 2 times?

The lottery!!!

The White House says President Clinton will make a speech on
campaign finance reform today in California. Says Argus Hamilton, “The
exact time hasn’t been announced. Aides are still trying to fit it in
between fund-raisers.”