Category: mostly true stories

Halloween Funnies:

What do Skeletons say before eating?
Bone Appetite.

What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common?
Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats?
They want Gore in 2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear?
Decay NY.

Why aren’t there any famous skeletons?
They’re a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to?
Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch?
Scared stiff.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for
driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four
frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be
counted. The judge ruled that passengers must be alive to
qualify.

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

From Time magazine, “Numbers” section:

$5 million:

Estimated annual cost for a 10-year program that would
identify large asteroids most threatening to earth.

$75 million:

Budget for “Deep Impact”, a film about the devastation
caused when a comet hits earth.

According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was
stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for
alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with
an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and
large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly
bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

Miami, FL motorist Alvin Sims didn’t notice that his truck had
smacked into a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the
police stopped his car.

Donna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of her
boy friends 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday – she was vomiting –
when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a pole and she died
instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36. kept driving.

Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several
miles later – its right mirror and antenna were damaged. Sims told
police that he was looking for a hospital because his passenger was
sick.

“Apparently, he thought he hit a puddle and did not see that he had
killed her.”

In the 80’s, a [local] radio station had a couple of DJs who claimed
the stealth fighter had landed at the Mt. Joy airport in Mt. Joy,
Iowa. This is used mainly by the weekend warriors, and once a year
it’s used for an air show. The authorities were notified after an
estimated 10,000 people came to the airport. They asked the
people why they were out there, and they were given the story about
the stealth fighter.

The authorities then called the FBI, who talked to the FAA, who
called the FBI back. The two DJs got yanked off the air and
suspended for two weeks — but not before some people at the
airport, armed with cell phones, called into the station, got put on
the air, and said that they couldn’t see the thing. The DJs replied
that it was proof the technology worked.

To top it all off: the DJs said the only way that you could see
the plane was to move your head back and fourth — like a chicken
when it walks — and try to catch a glimpse out of the corner of
your eye. They stated that if you looked right at it, you would
never see it. This was believed and a majority of the people were
doing just this when the police arrived!

Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken’s head instead of a
revolver.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

As I approached an intersection and sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked out
of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.

Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship’s loss. To a man they
claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the
trawler amidships, shattering it’s hull and sinking the vessel within
minutes.

They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its
cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a
Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane’s hold and hastily taken
off for home.

Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a
now rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves,
they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of
Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

ABC’s overnight news show, World News Now, has a recurring segment called
“World News Then”, where they air pieces of ABC News broadcasts as they
covered various important events of the past. Last April 1st,
they decided that instead of running a piece from a few decades ago, it
would be more interesting to go back a few millennia. One of the stories
they rebroadcast was the following report from 2400 BC:

“Egypt’s emerging papyrus technology continues to alarm parents and law
enforcement. A new bill introduced today would let the government
regulate material found on papyrus. Legislators said paperspace, as it
is known to so-called ‘writers’, is becoming a haven for monotheists,
con artists and worse hoping to prey on the young and gullible. A little
bit later in this broadcast we will have some tips on how to shield your
children from offensive and dangerous material found on the dangerous
papyrus.”