Category: mostly true stories

Sent from an Aarons Daily Joke Subscriber!!

Hi this is true, some time ago when my daughter Stephanie was 4 years old
and it was winter near Christmas, setting the scene as it gets dark early.

I had taken her to the doctor and when we got out of the doctors it was dark already. I got her a happy meal from McDonalds to keep her quiet because I had and errand to run before going home. No seat belts then.

She was standing in the back seat patting the back of my head and I kept telling her to sit down and eat her hamburger. She finally told me she was finished.

It was dark so I couldnt see what she was doing.

We went into a hardware store and people kept looking at me and smirking like ‘lady there is something wrong with you and we are not going to tell you what.’

I felt uncomfortable finshed my purchase as quickly as possible. .

Even leaning over to write a
check. The cashier snickered and looked away. Finally we were out of the store and I dropped my keys and as I bent over to pick them up, her
hamburger fell out of my wig on the sidewalk.

I couldnt feel it because I had a wig on.

Thats what she was doing on the ride to the store putting the hamburger in my wig so nicely patting me on the head.

I was so embarrassed I didnt go to that store for a long time.

My friends called me Mrs Hamburglerhead for awhile. We still go to Mc Donalds tho.

Carol D., St Paul Mn.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. The help desk employee featured in this story was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause.”

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”

“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”

“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

“How do I tell?”

“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

“What’s a sea-prompt?”

“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

“There isn’t any cursor, I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well then, look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

“… …Yes, it is.”

“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

“… …Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

“I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”

“No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”

“Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”

“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power… A power outage? Ah, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”

“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

How to Tell if You’re a Grinch

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year’s resolutions:

1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points). (I had some ex-cousins that actually did this – Buddy’s cousins. They sent yours back the next year with your name scratched out and theirs in its place. . .the only new cards they sent were if you had a pet! They also hung their Xmas tree upside down from the ceiling. . .after it was spray painted Black!!)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points — nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100.

20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Happy Holidays to one and all!

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins.

They enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade.

When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters.

Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around.

He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.

Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this, she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the
Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in
apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up
completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph. The mystery
was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads.
The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a
complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out
that the damage might well have been more severe. The Harrier’s
target-seeker had locked on to the ‘enemy’ radar and triggered an
automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily(?) the
Harrier was operating unarmed.

Chicago –30-year-old Emad Haddad was shot and killed Friday afternoon
after chasing two men who’d robbed his store-Sunburst Food and Liquors-on
Chi-Town’s bright and glamorous 79th Street.

According to cops, two gents toting semi-auto pistols robbed the store’s
registers. Witnesses say Emad The Genius (as he will be remembered) ran
after the men with a two-shot derringer and took a shot at ’em.
They returned the favor with a hail of bullets.
Haddad was struck in the head and died on the spot.

Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt – buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn’t have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I’m told they do not stink – they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says “some assembly required” on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears’ Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what it is. “From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ’68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”

Rule #11
Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook – but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don’t know why – please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manilla rope. No one knows why.

Last week the DJ on radio station WZZO in Allentown, PA was discussing David
Hasselhoff, since there was some news item about him. He went on to say that
he liked the show “Knight Rider” much better than “Baywatch”.
He said that Knight Rider was more realistic, since he could more easily
believe that there was a talking car than that Pamela Anderson could form
coherent sentences on her own.

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don’t wanna go to.

I’D LOVE TO BUT…

… I have to go to court for kitty littering.” … I have to jog my memory.” … I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.” … I have to rotate my crops.” … I have to sit up with a sick ant.” … I have to stay home and see if I snore.” … I have to study for a blood test.” … I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.” … I prefer to remain an enigma.” … I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).” … I’m going to be old someday.” … I’m going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.” … I’m going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.” … I’m having my baby shoes bronzed.” … I’m trying to cut down.” … I’m up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.” … I’ve been traded to Cincinnati.” … My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.” … my favorite commercial is on TV.” … My uncle escaped… again.” … Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.”

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: “My client merely inserted his arm into
the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is
not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb.” “Well
put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany
it or not, as he chooses.” The defendant smiled. With his
lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
on the bench, and walked out.

This is pretty close to an actual sales call I received. The sales
person’s name has been changed. The company name has not. I think
we’ll stick with our current provider.

Bob: Hello, I’m Bob ______ from AT&T, and I’m calling to let you know
about the Internet services we offer. Do you have a minute to…

Me: I’m kind of busy right now, but if you could just email me the
information I’ll call you back if I’m interested. My address
is…

Bob: Could I have your fax number? We’re behind a firewall, so our email
doesn’t always get through.

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.

COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid, too.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

A 44 Magnum beats 4 aces.