Category: mostly true stories

BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,
21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been
sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the
Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to
Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took
rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You
just wouldn’t believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their
hands, using pails from kids,” Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move!” When
his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures
Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO’s Land
Operations/Simulation division.

They’ve been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the
case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into
exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they
employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers.
Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they include things like trees
and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In
particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to
helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a
helicopter’s position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used
to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed
the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they’ve gone to
demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots have decided
to get “down and dirty” with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzz them, and
watch them scatter. The visiting Americans nod appreciatively… then gape
as the kangaroos duck around a hill, and launch about two dozen Stinger
missiles at the hapless helicopter. Programmers look rather embarrassed at
forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding… and Americans
leave muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie
wildlife…

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos
like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place…

The Stanford Law Review runs the following quote on their masthead:

“For every thousand people hacking at the leaves of evil there
is one chopping at the roots.”

-H.D. Thoreau

On their April Fools issue they ran the following:

“For every person hacking at the leaves of evil there are a thousand
smoking the stuff.”

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

“Which one?” I asked.

“The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see… Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Isn’t this the truth!…

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it’s cool.
2000: Moving to California because it’s warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.

1970: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president’s struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president’s struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP.

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Being called into the principal’s office.
2000: Calling the principal’s office.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver’s test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: “Whatever”
2000: “Depends

Whats the hardest part in cooking a vegetable?. Getting the wheelchair in the oven.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS…. SANTA CRUZ STYLE…

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival,
my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship
gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual
drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for
in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a
note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing
milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal
products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic
incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to
throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and
partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid
further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has
been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree
carcasses and…

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

OCCASIONS

one girl met a boy(happens all the time)they were going out and dancing.The girl got angry because he was not dancing proply and pulled his hair off.To be continued.

On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from
Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of
water, 74,000 cannon shot, 11,500 pounds of black powder
and 79,400 gallons of rum. Her mission: to destroy and
harass English shipping.

On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour
and 68,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution
reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds
of beef and 2,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England where her crew
captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took
aboard their rum. By this time, Constitution had run out of
shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth
of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured
a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons on board
and headed for home.

On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston
with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, and no
whiskey. She did, however, still carry her crew of 475
officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water. The math is
quite enlightening: Length of cruise: 181 days Booze
consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day (this does NOT
include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the
12 English merchant vessels in November).

Naval historians say that the re-enlistment rate from this
cruise was 92%.

Where do I sign up???

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted
to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so
she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how
do I get to the Capitol building?”

The officer replied, “Wait here at
this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”

She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the
Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That
was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”

The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 45th bus just went by!”

According to a new survey 60% of adults say they’re aware of someone who’s
gone to work under the influence of drugs. Apparently the other 40% have
never heard of the Dallas Cowboys.

– Conan O’Brien