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A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.
Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
U.S. Lawmaker Says He Is Worried About E-Mail Pregnancy
Citing the case of a woman who claims she got pregnant from e-mail,
an Ohio Democrat called Wednesday for a “chastity chip” for the
Internet. Rep. James Traficant, known for his flamboyant rhetoric,
gave a brief floor speech about a woman named Frances who claimed to
have gotten pregnant through an e-mail exchange with a paramour 1,500
miles away. “That’s right — pregnant,” he proclaimed, warning of the
dangers of “immaculate reception.” He called on Congress to go beyond
“v-chips” that would protect kids from sexual content on the
Internet, saying, “Its time for Congress to act. The computers do not
need a v-chip. The Internet needs a chastity chip.”
Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary
10. Today is our what?
9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.
8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.
7. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
5. I thought we only celebrated important events?
4. Having sex doesn’t count as a gift?
3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two
feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest.
I turned on the water faucet, wet my
fingers, and moistened each dog’s head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent.
As I sprinkled the last pup’s head,
the woman leaned forward and whispered, “I didn’t know they
had to be baptized.”
Newspaper clippings:
A sign seen in a police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: ‘Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner’s Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.’ – The Guardian, London.
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented: ‘This sort of thing is all too common these days.’ – The Times.
A sex line caller has complained to trading standards officers after dialling a number from an advertisement entitled ‘Hear Me Moan’. The caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs refused to look into the complaint, saying, ‘He got what he deserved.’
– The Citizen, Gloucester.
Under the heading ‘Brussels pays �200,000 to save prostitutes’: ‘ . . . the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes’ pocket but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.’ – Daily Telegraph, London.
We apologies for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective of the Police Force. This was a typographical error. We meant, of course, that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the Police Farce. -Derby Abbey Community News.
After being charged 20 pounds for a 10-pound overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to ‘Yorkshire Bank PLC are Fascist Bastards’. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by check made out in his new name. – The Guardian.
Police, called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station, released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket. – Manchester Evening News.
‘Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled ‘For the Sick’ is for monetary donations only.’ – Churchdown Parish Magazine.
1. How long did The Hundred Years’ War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From what animal do we get catgut?
4. In what month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is Camel’s hairbrush made from?
6. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI’s first name?
8. What color is a Purple Finch?
9. Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years’ War last?
You think you’re so smart, don’t you?
Here are the answers:
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria – Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. In 1937 on the abdication of his brother King Edward VII, he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert, the name of her husband.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. 30 years of course. 1618 to 1648.
“Actual question given for a mid-term chemistry exam at the University of Washington:”
Is Hell exothermic (radiates heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
(1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
(2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you’, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
“That student got the only A in his term…”
About ten years ago, a young and very successful businessman named Josh was travelling down a chicago neighborhood street.
He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old.
He was watching for kids darting out from in between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.
As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and whomp! It smashed into the jag’s shiny black side door! SCREECH!!! Brakes slammed, gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown.
Josh jumped out of the car and grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, “What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?”
Building up a head of steam he went on, “That’s my new jag, that brick you just threw is gonna cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?”
“Please, mister, please…I’m sorry! I didn’t know what else to do!” pleaded the youngster. “I threw the brick because no one else would stop!”
Tears were dripping down the young boys chin as he pointed around the parked car. “It’s my brother, mister,” he said “he rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can’t lift him up.”
Sobbing, the boy asked the excutive, “Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He’s hurt and he’s too heavy for me.”
Moved beyond words, the young excutive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.
Straining, he lifted the young man back into his wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scraped and cuts, checking to see if everything was going to be ok.
He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home.
It was a long walk back to sleek, black, shining 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, a long and slow walk.
Josh never did fix the dint in the door of his jaguar. He kept the dent as a constant reminder not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention.
Some bricks are softer than others!!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis, yisman and Tantilazing
The CEO of MCI was given a $24 million bonus for leading the company out of bankruptcy.
Someday he hopes to be paid as much as the guy who led them into bankruptcy.
-Jim Barach
Johnny was, by all accounts, the worst eight year old kid on earth. He stole, lied, beat-up his sister, just about any trouble this kid could get into, he did. Nonetheless, Johnny wanted a bicycle for Christmas.
Johnny goes to his mother and demands, “Mom, for Christmas, I want a bicycle!” To this his mother replies, “Yea, right, … Santa’s not comming to THIS house you little brat, you’ve stolen from all the neighbors, shoplifted, beat-up kids at school, you’ll be lucky if you even get a lump of coal.”
Enraged, Johnny storms up to his room. After about an hour, he decides he will appeal his case to God. So he grabs a tablet and starts to write his letter to God.
Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I will never steal again… “No, that won’t work. God will know I’m lying.” So he tears up this letter and starts again.
Dear God, If I get a bicycle for Christmas, I’ll wash Mom’s dishes for all year… “No, that won’t work. God will know I’m lying.” So he tears up this letter and starts again.
Evenually, Johnny uses up the entire tablet and has only one sheet left but still no letter to God. Then it hits him. He runs out of the house and down to the church. In the church, he finds the Madona and snatches it, runs home, and hides it under the bed. Then he writes:
Dear God, If you ever want to see your mother again, have Santa Claus deliver a bicycle to my house on Christmas…
About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started “Dear Santa…”, he thought “No, I will go to a higher authority”, so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.
“Dear Jesus,
If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks..”
“NO NO NO NO I can’t be good for two weeks”, he thought to himself.
So he started all over again…
“Dear Jesus,
If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week.”
“NO NO NO NO I can’t be good for one week”, he thought to himself.
So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.
He started all over again.
“Dear Jesus,
I have your mother…if you ever want to see her again…get me a bike for Christmas!”