Category: mostly true stories

You are so stupid your mother told you to go and buy a color t.v., and you came back and said what color.

GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! ‘Cause when I got one… I got real snippy.

2. I heard you had herpes…and I feel terrible…I’d say “Get well soon”…but I know it’s incurable.

3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire….I found your cat…Sorry!

4. You had your bladder removed and you’re on the mends…. here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

5. You’ve announced that you’re gay, and won’t that be a laugh, when they find out you’re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

6. So your daughter’s a hooker, and it spoiled your day… look at the bright side, she’s a really good lay.

7. Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be…Don’t fret about your wife though… She’s moving in with me.

8. Your computer is dead… and it was so alive… you shouldn’t have installed… Win’95.

9. You totalled your car… and can’t remember why… maybe it was… that case of Bud Dry

10. So you lost your job… It’s one of those hardships in life… Next time, work harder… and stay away from the boss’s wife.

I was standing in line at a restaurant, waiting to pay my bill behind two women who handed the young waitress a credit card. After swiping the card through the card reader, she loudly called out to her manager, “Mr. Allen, what do I do if it says REJECTED?”

As the women’s faces reddened and customers turned to look, Mr. Allen walked out from the kitchen. “Well,” he answered, wiping his hands, “the first thing you do is shout it out loud enough to embarrass the customer, who might have been thinking of leaving you a tip.”

And in October, William B. Singleton, 24, just released from jail in
Belton, Mo., on a larceny charge, allegedly broke into a vending machine
in the lobby of the police station and stole a 60-cent Strawberry
Twisteroo while he waited for his ride to arrive.

In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he
fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.
Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to
keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the
floor.

it was the day before thanksgiving and the dad was upstairs shaving and he cut himself and said shit and the little boy said what does that mean and the father said its another word for shaving the mom and the dad had an argument the mom said you bitch you bastered and the boy said what does that mean and they said its another word for ladies and jentlemen so the mom was downstairs cleaning the turkey and she cut herself and said fuck the boy said what does that mean its another word for cleaning the turkey and the doorbell rang the little boy said to the guest hello bitches and bastereds my dad is upstairs shaving the shit off his face and moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey.

WHY WAS PIGLET LOOKING IN THE TOILET FOR?
HE WAS LOOKING FOR POOH

Back in the bad old days when I was working in a fast food joint…

There was one female type person on the night crew. A very attractive young lady with a penchant for wearing mini-skirts. Needless to say, we did not object to this in the least. In fact, we used to let her wipe down the tables up front, instead of slopping the french fryers and such. Admittedly one of our reasons was that in order to wipe down the tables she had to lean far over them and stretch. Generally facing away from the counter.

This was when we learned that she tended to wear panties that matched her nail polish. No kidding! She came in one day with black nail polish with silver speckles, and it turned out that she was wearing black panties with silver spangles. Another day, she came in wearing pink nail polish on one hand, and blue on the other. The panties were blue on one cheek, and pink on the other.

But … one evening … great anticipation … When would she EVER go out and wipe the tables ??? … She came in to work, and she was wearing no nail polish!

She never did tables that night, and we never knew.

I suspect we were set up.

Real Office Memo:

Re: 4th floor break room microwave

Hi again,

The new microwave is in place in the 4th floor break room.
As always, please keep an eye on your goods cooking in any microwave.

Use Caution!
Microwave popcorn popping can go bad in a hurry. Don’t be a statistic. Please hang around til it’s done.

If there is the case where your item may be burning to the point where there is smoke billowing, don’t run away. Please call me right away so I can possibly head off a fire alarm, or at the very least, inform facilities of the problem.

Next time you’re invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can’t attend:

I’D LOVE TO BUT…

… I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
… I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
… I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.
… I have to fluff my shower cap.
… I have to fulfill my potential.
… I left my body in my other clothes.
… I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
… I’ll be looking for a parking space.
… I’m being deported.
… I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
… I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
… I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
… I’m sandblasting my oven.
… I’m taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
… I’m worried about my vertical hold.
… I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
… I’ve got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
… it’s too close to the turn of the century.
… my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
… my plot to take over the world is thickening.
… my subconscious says no.
… none of my socks match.
… the grunion are running.
… the last time I went, I never came back.
… the monsters haven’t turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.

Subject: MOUSE BALLS
> How To Replace Mouse Balls
I don’t know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

Jenna

Runners-up

1. In Los Angeles, Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees’ nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a ‘pineapple’ (an illegal firecracker), which is the explosive equivalent of half a stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window just 3 m away from the hive. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Ani needed stitches, the two brothers headed off to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom and died of suffocation en route to the hospital.

2, Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in Minneapolis with third-degree murder for his involvement in the death of his beloved cousin Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol – instead of the more traditional revolver to Ken’s head and fired.

3. In Phillipsburg, New Jersey, an unidentified 29-year-old male choked to death on sequined panties he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. ‘I didn’t think he was going to eat it,’ the dancer identified only as Ginger said, adding, ‘He was really drunk.’

4. In Moscow, a drunken security man asked a colleague at the bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn’t and the 25 year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It’s good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)

5. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died of hypothermia.

6. A Renton, Washington, man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as he had no previous record of violent crime and made terminally stupid choices. The target was H. & J. Leather & Firearms – yes – a gun shop. The shop was full of customers in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter having coffee before reporting for duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing the robber from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn’t fire. No one else was hurt.

The winner
The 1999 Darwin Award Winner is telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, of Thompson, Manitoba, Canada. He was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker’s earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told co-workers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his 12-hour shift at the station where winter temperatures often dip to 40 degrees below freezing. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way they heat food in microwave ovens.

For his Christmas shift, Baker reputedly brought a 12-pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a 10-fold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long distance calling traffic. Baker’s body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast that he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to company officials that Baker’s unfinished beers had exploded.