Category: mostly true stories

In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a
shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near
the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

“What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting,” the nurse exclaimed.

“I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby,” the new mother replied.

“You don’t have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby.”

“You don’t understand,” the woman said and frowned.
“My baby already has a FIRST name!”

A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: “You’re WHAT?!?!?”

Include your children when baking cookies.

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say.

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.

Drunks get nine years in violin case.

Iraqi head seeks arms.

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes appeal to Pope.

Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over.

Teacher strikes idle kids.

Clinton wins budget – more lies ahead.

Miners refuse to work after death.

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant.

Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter.

If strike isn’t settled quickly, it may last a while.

Couple slain – police suspect homicide.

Man struck by lightning faces battery charge.

New study of obesity looks for larger test group.

Astronaut takes blame for gas in space.

Local high school dropouts cut in half.

Typhoon rips through cemetery – hundreds dead.

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator
from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got
stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was
too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator
*back* into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that
they locked the keys in the truck — so they abandoned it.

Taken from “A Hotel Is A Funny Place”, “A Hotel Is A Place”, copyright 1972 and 1985 by Shelly Berman with permission.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
—————————————————————–
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
Her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
————————————————-
Dear Maid – I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won’t need those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf.
They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
————————————————-
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
————————————————-
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That’s the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little Bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in
today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet,
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the Bathroom shelf. In just
5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
————————————————
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
————————————————-
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. Every bar of soap was taken
from my room, including my own bath-size Imperial Leather. I came in
late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
————————————————-
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
————————————————–
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
Night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of
Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial Leather. Do you
realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size
Imperial Leather. Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather.
S. Berman
—————————————————
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so
I personally returned them The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don’t know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had
returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial Leather.
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
—————————————————-
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
– On the shelf under the medicine cabinet –
18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
– On the Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
– On the bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
– Inside the medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
– In the shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
– On the northeast corner of the tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
– On the northwest corner of the tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman

The Wrinkled Nightgown
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man
bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was
getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box
downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who
said, “My word

Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills,
“The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard
yelling ‘Price check on the company!'”

He adds, “the original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out
a huge stack of double-value coupons.”

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness”, but it doesn’t work.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

What is mind? No matter What is matter? Never mind.

“MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts.”

The average woman would have rather beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.

A professeur is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

“He’s just a politician trying to save both his faces …”

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

Nihilism should commence with oneself.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright

It’s lucky you’re going so slowly, because you’re going in the wrong direction.

The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of
financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, “Unfortunately,
they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the
parade for the Yankees.”

Paul Carthy, 25, pleaded guilty in Exeter, England, in September to theft
subsequent to his original charge of shoplifting from a liquor store. In
the second theft, he had stolen the magnetic letters off the name board
that was held up to his face when his mug shot was taken.

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four
males sitting in the car.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will
if required…so get out of the car!

The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

Small problem: her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car was identical and
parked four or five spaces further down.

She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four very pale
males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman.

No charges were filed.