Category: mostly true stories

100 facecloths 25 darning needles any kind of keychain with something _way_ too big to fit in pocket or purse bag of potting mix box of legal size hanging file folders bucket of sand cat door cellophane tape and staples dairy for 1991 exquisitely wrapped house-brick framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed “all the best for 73 – Rich”) globe hat rack his and hers dishwashing liquid. map of West Brazil mixer (for the non-cooking couple) mobile modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop) nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper one shoe receipt book salad shooter (this one is a classic 🙂 silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these) spice rack step ladder towel/bathrobe with someone else’s name on it. towrope triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

If a police officer in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city’s airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.”

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

“Never Confuse a Memo With a Reality” is a book by Richard A. Moran from the “Lifes Little Instruction Book” series. It covers advice for the business person. One of the items is…
“Reduce all analysis to three bullet points. No one will take time to understand, pay attention or remember anymore”

This was point number 181.

Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in Orlando.

My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address.

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn’t expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more. You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead — for months, mind you — my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing but
pressed on, determined to con tact him anyway. The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father’s bank.

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00 service charge from you account. Please adjust your records accordingly.
Sincerely,
The Phoenix Branch

Dear Phoenix Branch,
This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad’s insurance company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his death.

Dear Mr. Hanson,
It’s time to renew your auto insurance policy! To continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this office immediately. Failure to do so will result in the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of your coverage.
Sincerely,
Your Insurance Agent

Dear Insurance Agent,
This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since January. As such, the odds he’ll be involved in a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the policy, and adjust your books
accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson.

The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it is very important that you contact me immediately. I sense that you are about to enter a time of unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how best to take full advantage of the opportunities that are coming your way.
Sincerely,
Your Psychic Reader

Dear Psychic Reader,
My father regrets he will be unable to call you 900 number. As a psychic reader, I’m sure you already know my father is dead, and had been for more than three weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my father would be more than happy to take you up on your offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet with him personally.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson
P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future, please ask him if he’d like to renew his car insurance.

A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make other arrangements. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving all of your future borrowing needs.
Sincerely,
Your Bank’s San Diego District Office

Dear San Diego District Office, I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father died in January. Since then, the number of checks he’s written has dropped dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no longer needs. As for future borrowing needs, well, don’t hold your breath.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned over to us for collection. Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt.
Sincerely,
Your Insurance Agent’s Collection Agency

Dear Collection Agency,
I told your client. Now I’m telling you. Dad’s dead. He doesn’t need insurance. He’s dead. Dead, dead, dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that. Please adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

A few more months, and:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the matter will be turned over to a collection agency. Such action will adversely affect your credit history.
Sincerely,
Your Bank’s Los Angeles Regional Office

Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father passed away in January. Since that time, I’ve watched with a mixture of amazement and amusement as your bank continues to transact business with him. Now, you are even threatening his credit history. It should come as no surprise that you have received little response from my deceased father. It should also be small news that his credit history is of minor importance to him now. For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

Dear Mr. Hanson,
This is your final notice of payment due to your insurance agent. If our firm does not receive payment of $54.17, we will commence legal action on the matter. Please contact us at once.
Sincerely,
Your Insurance Agent’s Collection Agency

Dear Insurance Agent’s Collection Agency, You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

It has now been a couple of months since I’ve heard from these firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father is Dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar correspondence. Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead are immune from corporate bullying. There’s nothing like dying to put business correspondence in its proper perspective. Perhaps that’s the best reason not to fear death. There’s no post office there.

By Scott Hanson, from the Orlando Sentinel Star newspaper

1.Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2.Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
Belted

4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6.Farmer Bill Dies in House

7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8.Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9.Stud Tires Out

10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11.Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12.Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15.Eye Drops off Shelf

16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18.Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19.Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in ’84

30.War Dims Hope for Peace

31.If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33.Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35.Deer Kill 17,000

36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

43.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

44.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

48.Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

49.Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

50.Air Head Fired

Editted by Curtis

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the last and best . . . . .

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. You’ve guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

My daughter’s third-grade teacher had assigned the children to write a story titled “My Biggest Surprise.”

Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina’s work. It read: “I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy and Daddy’s bed and hopped in. But it wasn’t Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!”

What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs. Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, scumbags !”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

The Bryant Gumbel farewell garnered the highest. “Today Show” ratings in
seven years. “It just goes to show that if you give the viewers what they
want, they’ll tune in,” says Bob Mills.

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out.

3. When eating with someone else, calories don’t count if you both eat the same amount.

4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream.

5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one’s personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears.

6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage.

7. If you eat the food off someone else’s plate, it doesn’t count.

8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.

9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa.

10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.”

“I guess I was just really into it, you know? “he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.”
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I
just went up and said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?

“He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked
me straight in the face and said…………….

“A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?”