Category: mostly true stories

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers,
hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for
alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with
an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and
large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly
bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper
spray.

USA Taxes…..
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
Road Usage Taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone State and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and the USA was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had
the largest middle class in the world.

What the heck happened?

Today, watching television often means fighting, violence and foul language — and that’s just deciding who gets to hold the remote control. –Donna Gephart

Beauty is only skin deep. But ugly — now that’s probably got some nasty roots on it. –Crabby Road

He drops more names than a telephone book with bad binding. –Michel Marriott

She talks so fast that trying to interject is like threading the needle of a sewing machine while it’s running. –Nelda Flynn

Philosophy of Life: What it comes down to is, when you come into the world you have nothing … when you leave you have nothing … and in between there’s the IRS. –Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)

Word skittered out of his mouth like cartoon dogs on fresh-waxed linoleum, frantically going nowhere. –Amy Tan

A raise is like a martini: it elevates the spirit, but only temporarily. –Dan Seligman

The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning. –Jerry Seinfeld

She uses tired clichis like coasters — a place to rest her mind before picking it up and using it again. –Janet Schwind

“Charity begins at home.” At about 6:30, when they call you and interrupt your dinner. –Crabby Road

The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way. –Earle Hitchner

Anyone with money to burn will always find himself surrounded by people with matches. Joe Ryan

If time were a color, I bet it would be a tasteful off-white. –Greg Parrish

For some reason, immigrants always think that they have to join an onion before they’re allowed to work. –Chris Gahan

Whenever I’m driving through the desert, and I see a roadrunner, I run it over and say, “That’s for the coyote!” I don’t really like the coyote, but it’s a good excuse to run over things. –Craig Stacey

I was once in a spelling bee, but I lost because the other contastents cheeted. –Paul Paternoster

If I can make just one person laugh, then it must’ve been a pretty good eulogy. –Wade Kwon

I don’t see why people waste good money buying blenders. A garbage disposal works just as well, and it comes with the apartment. –Paul Paternoster

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference. –Steven Wright

Old lie — The check is in the mail. New lie — I didn’t check the e-mail. –Brian Fine

I won’t stand for gossip! No, I sit down and make myself comfortable for gossip. –Crabby Road

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw open the door.
Looking at you ,I admire your body, your well shaped legs, and breasts.

Slowly I remove what wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you like a glove. Exposing your tender pale skin. From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms,to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water. Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put
inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in. I put in more, you take it willingly.

In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can’t put any more in, you are so tight. With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within.

Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.
“Oh yes”, I say to you, “I must say Grace!”
“Thank God for this Butterball Turkey, Amen.”

(You ought to be ashamed of those thoughts you were having)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time
to look for it.

For example, I am sitting here thinking how
nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

one day a kid wrote to Santa. It read “dear Santa,for christmas, I want a sister”. He wrote back “okay, send me your mother”.

Frequently, I get a strip of coupons or other
promotional items from a little printer at the
checkout of my local grocery.

Coupons emerge as a thank-you for purchasing a
product, or based on some other derived data.

Yesterday, after buying a couple pints of Ben &
Jerry’s Ice Cream (my favorite bad-for-me snack
food), I got the following checkout coupons in
sequence:

Save 55c on Two(2) Pints Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream
Free High Cholesterol Survival Guide

Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:

At age 4, success is not peeing your pants At age 16, success is “gettin’ a little” At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

At age 35, success is about career and family

At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings At age 65, success is “gettin’ a little” At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!

On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his
lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choice:

1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop;
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
   fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
   handguns in public places;
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
   Police patrol car parked at the front door;
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
   coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
gene pool.

Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn’t fire. No one
else was hurt.

December 14th
Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes
————————————–

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves…. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes
————————————–

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist…. you’re just too kind.

Love Agnes
—————————————

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes
—————————————-

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes
—————————————–

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes
——————————————

December 20th

John:

What’s with you and those fricking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I’m a nervous wreck and I can’t sleep all night. IT’S NOT FUNNY…….So stop with those fricking birds!

Sincerely, Agnes
——————————————-

December 21st

OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own damn cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can’t move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.

Ag
———————————————-

December 22nd

Hey Buttface:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And geeeez – do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You’ll get yours.

From Ag
———————————————-

You Rotten Prick:

Now there’s ten ladies dancing – I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve gotdiarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag
———————————————-

December 24th

Listen Asshole:

What’s with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned “ladies”? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
———————————————-

December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to *20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. freakin’ snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24:
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin’ snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling!

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Watertown, New York:

It was eagle-eyed zookeepers who noticed first. The DNA testing only
proved what they already suspected.

The Thompson Park Zoo’s American bald eagle breeding program was going
nowhere. Not with two males, anyway.

“We had our suspicions right away. The birds are virtually the identical
size,” said Director Glenn D. Dobrogosz, who laughed Tuesday about the
gender mix-up that provided a comical start to the zoo’s new eagle
breeding program.

“It happens. Not a lot. But it happens,” he said.

The two American bald eagles – supposedly a male and female – arrived at
the zoo last July from the Bird Treatment and Learning Center in
Anchorage, Alaska.

The two males became good buddies but zookeepers quickly realized there
would be no amorous flights for these two, Dobrogosz said.

Because bald eagle males and females share the same coloring
characteristics, it is difficult to determine gender by visual inspection.
However, in most raptor species, the female is slightly larger than the
male, he said.

Based on their size and behavior, the Alaska center mistakenly thought it
had sent a male and a female, Dobrogosz said. It wasn’t until the Thompson
Park Zoo took blood samples for DNA testing that it confirmed the birds’
sexes.

“Sure enough, they both were boys,” he said.

Now that the confusion has been cleared up, zookeepers are once again
focused on the romancing.

One of the males is being sent to the Clinch Park Zoo in Traverse City,
Mich. Meanwhile, the Watertown zoo already has received a new female from
another raptor rehabilitation center on Sitka Island in Alaska.

“We’re positive this time,” Dobrogosz said, heading off the inevitable
inquiry about the bird’s gender.