Category: mostly true stories

hollywood is to make a movie on the life of Dr.Harold Shipman,playing the part will be Robert De Niro, it is to be called “The old Dear Hunter”

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM cash machine by running
a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of
pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off
their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still
attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper.

Cool Bumper Stickers

-Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
-Horn broken, watch for finger.
-My kid had sex with your honor student.
-If at first you don’t succeed, try not to look astonished.
-Help wanted telepath: You know where to apply.
-I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
-Jesus loves you… Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
-I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
-Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
-Keep honking, I’m reloading.
-Hang up and drive.
-Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
-Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
-If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
-I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and
screaming like his passengers.
-Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!” till you can find a rock.
-I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
-The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
-We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
-Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
-Make it idiotproof and someone will make a better idiot.
-I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
-He who laughs last thinks slowest!
-Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
-What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
-Assassins do it from behind.
-If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
-Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
-I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
-Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
-I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
-Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
-Few women admit their age…few men act theirs.
-We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-“Criminal Lawyer” is a redundancy.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.

He says, “How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fianc�e is still a virgin in every way.”

The doc said , “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, “You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts.”

He whips down his pants and says… ” Look at this, it’s still in the CRATE!”

Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
There were empties and butts
Left around by some louse.
And the best quart I’d hid
By the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some creep
Who’d discovered it there!

Our hung-over guests
Had been poured into bed
(They’ll wake in the morn
With a God-awful head)
My tongue, cotton-coated,
Hung down to my belt
And only the seasick
Could know how I felt!

My wife – she had long ago
Gone up to bed
While visions of Redskins
Danced in her head.
And I in the parlor
Sat all alone,
I’d unplugged the cat
And put out the phone.

Just then, through a window
Came noise and smells
Like an overturned beer truck
And tinkle of bells!
I sprang from my chair
To see what was the matter
To see what was causing
The smell and the clatter.

When what to my wondering
Eyes did appear
But eight drunken reindeer
And sled full of beer!
With a little old driver,
Nose red as a brick,
I knew it was Santa
As tight as a tick!

Weaving upward and downward
His reindeer they came
While he hiccoughed and burped
And called them by name:
“On Gallo! On Ripple!
We ain’t got all night!
You, too, Manischevitz!
And you, Miller lite!

“Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!
Give Busch there a hand!
Now now, Lowenbrau –
You can go when we land!
Head up for that roof —
Watch out for the wall!
Get going, you guys
We’ve got a long haul!”

So up to my roof
Went his reindeer and sled
But my TV antenna
Hit him right in the head!
And then in a twinkling
I heard Santa swear
So hot that it melted
The snow everywhere!

I could tell in a moment
This guy had no class
For he fell down my chimney
Right smack on his sack!
He was dresed all in fur
From his head to his toes.
Red were his eyeballs,
His coat and his nose.

He had a round face
And toy-filled sack
His breath would have blown
A freight off the track!
He was chubby and plump
And he tried to stand right
But he couldn’t fool me –
He was high as a kite!

He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings,
The plastered old jerk!
Then putting five fingers
To the end of his nose
He gave me the word
As up the chimney he rose.

Crossing my rooftop
He went at a run
Not seeing what one
Of his reindeer had done.
He skidded, and then
Fell flat on his face!
His remarks after this
Were a total disgrace!

Then he got in his sled
And I heard Santa moan:
“Why did I stop there?
Bux’s kids are all grown!”

A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed,”Dad”. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice — even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it’s not only the passion dad, she’s pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don’t care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbour’s house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk centre drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain”.

“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But, officer, I just wanted to say”…

“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!” A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom!”

In September, according to police in Junction City, Kan., David Bell, 30,
just released from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole
another car to get home.

Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O consumption. Says Jay
Leno, “But LA is still No. 1 if you include recreational use. You know
— naked wrestling, Jell-O shots.”

The Bryant Gumbel farewell garnered the highest. “Today Show” ratings in
seven years. “It just goes to show that if you give the viewers what they
want, they’ll tune in,” says Bob Mills.

Repairman Won’t Be Punished For Uninvited Kiss

COEUR d’ALENE, Idaho — A computer repairman who said he thought his female customer was lonely has been acquitted of forcing himself on her.

A jury in Idaho decided that an uninvited kiss from the repairman is not battery and Steven Moyer should not be punished.

Moyer testified that the customer told him she “didn’t have a steady boyfriend,” prompting him to ask if she wanted “a boyfriend for 15 minutes.”

The woman says Moyer grabbed her, kissed her twice and asked her if she wanted to show him the bedroom.

She said no, and Moyer left. He billed her $20 for the service call.

Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living
or dead, who would it be?”

The blonde quickly responded, “The
living one.”