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The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. “Mom,” she said, “I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.”
The mother took a deep breath and began, “When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…”
“I know how to fuck, mother,” the bride-to-be interrupted. “I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!”
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood,plastic – anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince’s pants?
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They were M&M’s!!! – (get your mind out of the gutter !!)
Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
The Naughty Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built, Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I’m speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a spatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
“That was some brothel,” he said with a smile, “The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay awhile” He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn’t even mention. A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
“This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I’ll leave ’em here. and then I’ll just split.” He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and farted instead. In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, “Take me home, Rudolph. This night’s been a bitch!”
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, “The best thing about pussy is you can’t wear it out!!”
This is an extract of an American National Public Radio interview between a female broadcaster and a US Army Lieutenant-General about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.
Interviewer: `So, LT-G, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?’
LT-G: `We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. ‘
Interviewer: ‘Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?’
LT-G: ‘I don’t see why; they’ll be properly supervised on the range.’
Interviewer: `Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?’
LT-G: `I don’t see how – we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.’
Interviewer: ‘But you’re equipping them to become violent killers. ‘
LT-G: ‘Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?’
Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the
Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser,
and to make the system “user-friendly”, licensed the cartoon
character “Woody Woodpecker” as the “Internet guide.” Panasonic
eventually planned on a world version of the product.
A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan
last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic
suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely.
The reason: the ads featured the slogan “Touch Woody – The Internet
Pecker.” An American staff member at the internal product launch
explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what “touch woody” and
“pecker” meant in American slang.
-From EE Times, October 8, 1996
In September, according to police in Junction City, Kan., David Bell, 30,
just released from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole
another car to get home.
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous “One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks – usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant.
On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.
It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question: “When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with my brother in the backyard. He had hit a fly ball which landed in front of my neighbors’ bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”
True fact.
There was a mountain that was said that if you jumped off of it you would get one wish. So one guy jumped off and said”I want to be a eagle” and he turned into an eagle. Then a nother guy jumped off and said”I want to be a bird” and he turned into a bird. Then a nother guy jumped off and said”CRAP” so he turned into crap.
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us…
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
“These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”
5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!”
And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played
on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:
Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,” Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack,” and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.”
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
Prevention Of Cruelty To Piranhas:
A video dealer in England advertised a large discount on his systems to anyone who was brave (?) enough to snatch a coin from an aquarium filled with hungry piranha.
The English equivalent of the SPCA in the United States got into the act and demanded the dealer be sure the customer’s hands were cleaned so as to prevent food poisoning in any piranha that might bite a dirty hand.
Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages. Today we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by way of Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when it vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog’s master, who was fishing at the time, hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) “Thereby hangs a tail.”
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out after the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the pike, “barking excitedly.”
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that got away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier to tell about the one that didn’t?
“Finish your lima beans or you’re not getting any heroin for dessert!”
“If you don’t stop that this instant, I’ll have Grandma perform another striptease for you.”
“If this plexiglass wasn’t between us, I’d wash your mouth out with soap, young man.”
“Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!”
“Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain’t goin’ to the prom with ya!”
“Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won’t love you anymore.”
“Lyle, Erik — either behave, or go to your suites!”
“If you don’t eat your peas, Chelsea, I’ll make you stay at the Gingrich’s house!”
“Don’t make me put you back in the womb!”
“As long as you live under this roof, you’re *going* to wear that dress, young man!”
“You just wait til your father gets paroled!”
“Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin.”
“Young lady, don’t make me send you to the Citadel!”
and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families…
“All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!”