Category: military

Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. “How do you account for this?” he asked the brothers. “It’s hereditary, sir,” the older one replied. “I see,” said the doctor, writing in his file. “Your father’s the reason for your elongated penises?” “No sir, our mother.” “Your mother? You idiot, women don’t have penises!” “I know, sir,” replied the recruit, “but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.”

Two friends decided they would dodge the draft by having all of their teeth pulled. They knew the army would not take them if they were toothless. Finally, the day came where they were to report to the draft board. As they lined up they were separated by a big truck driver who had obviously not bathed in weeks. When the first friend stood before the sergeant for a physical examination he told the sergeant that he had no teeth.

The sergeant ran his fingers around his gums and said, “Alright, you have no teeth — you’re 4F.”

Next came the big, smelly truck driver. The sergeant said to him, “What’s wrong with you?”

The truck driver replied, “I have a terrible case of piles.”

The sergeant inserted his fingers in the truck driver’s ass, and felt around, and said, “Yep, you’ve got piles. You’re 4F.”

Next came the second friend, and the sergeant said, “What’s wrong with you?”

The recruit stared at the sergeant’s finger and replied, “Nothing sir, nothing at all.”

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in
to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in
and sits down. The interviewer asks him “Do you love your wife?”
so he replies “Yes I do, sir.” “Do you love your country?” asks
the interviewer. “Yes I do, sir.”, interviewer continues, “What
do you love more, your wife or your country?” he replies “My
country, sir.” The interviewer looks at the man, “Okay. We
brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room
and kill her.”
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5
minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all
sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in
and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and
the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and
tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and
says “I can’t do it…”
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer
gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes
into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is
followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few
minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened,
and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and
says “What happened?!?!”, to which the guy replies, “The gun you
gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!”

A huge fleet of the english army came to a hill, on the bottom of the hill, there was a forest of trees. Just before the king was about to go down into it he heard a voice from the forest it yelled, ” ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!” The king was outraged and he sent two of his best knights down. After much clashing of swords there was blood curdling screams and all was silent. Again the king heard” ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!” He was now so furious that he sent twenty of his knights down. There were screams of agony and pain…then all was quiet. again they heard ” ONE IRISH MAN WILL DEFEAT THE WHOLE ENGLISH ARMY!!” The king was know seeing red and in his fury he sent the remaining of his fleet down to the forest. There were screams an clashing of swords and then all was quiet. The king was dumbfounded!! But one of his comrades came limping up the hill, this man was tattered and bruised, his left hand had been chopped off an he was bleeding profoundly. In a hoarse voice he knelt before the king and said ” My lord they tricked us…..there were two of them”

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the
house without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for
years!”

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly
the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to
her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to screw your brains out!” To that, Little
Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a
.44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, “No you’re not! You’re going
to eat me, just like it says in the book!”

Jack, who does not have a criminal record, has just been
convicted of a minor crime. In his court trial, he is sentenced
to 2 years in prison. Since he and his wife cannot afford the
bail price, he has 2 days before he will be taken to the prison.

On his last day he and his wife decide to take a tour of the
prison so he can see what the conditions are like before he is
taken there. Jack is a good looking guy, and while he walks by
the cells all the tatooed inmates stare at him, taunt him, and
sexually harass him because, of course, they cannot get sex
anywhere else.

So he leaves the prison at once. In the car ride home, he says
to his wife, “We have to stop at the tatoo parlor.” “Why, do you
want to get a tatoo so you will fit in?” she asked. “No, I want
to see if they can take one of those needles and sew my asshole
shut!”

A general and a private are going to a city. At the next stop, a lady and her teenage daughter get on and sit down in the same cabin as the general and the private.
They ride along and they get to a tunnel. The cabin is completely dark. This is what is heard: a kiss and then a slap.
The mother thinks: That rude private kissed my daughter, but she showed him.
The daughter thinks: That old nasty general kissed me, but my mother slapped him.
The general thinks: Sombody hit me.
The private thinks: I am pretty smart. I kiss the girl, and got to slap the general.

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tailboom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks.
As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:

Tower: “Sir, do you need any assistance?”

Cobra: “I don’t know, tower. We aren’t done crashing yet!”

Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ?
A. Nothing, yet.

Q: What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving ?
A: Turkey.

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common ?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common ?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from !

Q: What is the best Iraqi job ?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: None. They can’t turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of US $8,000,000.

Q: “How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
A: “We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.”

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ?
A: B-52…F-16…A-10

Q: What is Iraq’s national bird ?
A: Duck

Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile ?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats ?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss ?
A: He elected to receive.

Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map….

HUM: The Village People Meets Star Wars (***)

Y.O.D.A (To the Village People’s “Y.M.C.A”)

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker).

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it’s muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, ’cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*
YOUNG MAN, There’s no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN’, tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN’, from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you’ll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN’ brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN’, master Yoda not far. I’ll be
HAVIN’ this bright thing that ain’t hot. It is
*MINE* *OR* *I’LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He’s 900 years old!
He’s so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don’t just stand in the rain!
You’re all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin’ to me? I can’t
TRAIN HIM, he’s so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he’s so angry but brave! Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU’RE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don’t have to save Han!
If you do so, you’ll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
(repeat and fade).