Category: military

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR.”

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks –
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic syphilis, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front lines, Sir!”
“Good man!” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic piles, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front lines, Sir!”
“Good man!” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two – Sir!”

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the
general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of
points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man … “From the tip of my
penis to the bottom of my testicles.” The pension man suggested
that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to
do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the
pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God!” he said.
“Where are your testicles?” The general replied, “In Vietnam.”

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences.
After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, “Boss, I’ve got
a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the
bull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling. What should I do?”

“In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in
the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and
throw it in a bush.” The farm worker says okay and signs off.
About 10 minutes later he radios back. “Boss I did what you
said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.”

“So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped.

“The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!”

A crusty old air force colonel finds himself at a gala event
hosted by a local arts college. There is no shortage of young,
idealistic ladies in attendace, one of whom approaches the
colonel for conversation.
“Excuse me,” says the woman, “but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something botheing you?”
“No,” the colonel says, “I’m just serious by nature.”
The young lady looks at his awards and decorations and says, “It
looks like you’ve seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, a lot of action,” replies the colonel.
“Look,” says the girl, angry at this unconversational nature.
“You should lighten up a little. Relax. Enjoy yourself.”
When the colonel replies that he already is, the girl snaps.
“Stop being so formal!!” she shouts.”I mean, when was the last
time you had sex?”
The colonel looks at her. “well, that would have to be 1955,” he
replies.
The girl cackles in triumph. “That’s it,” she laughs. “You’ve
got got a hang up about sex. You need to chill out! No sex since
1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”
“Oh I don’t know,” says the colonel,glancing at his watch.
“It’s only 2130 now.”

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.” Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?” “Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up.” “Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.” “Not so fast, McGrath!”

TOP 10 WORST CARTOON CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME (WITH COMMENTARY)

#10- Tweety Bird- You know there’s a problem when every single kid roots
for the “hero” to be devoured in each episode. No sense of humor. No
personality. Annoying voice. Plus he was always tattling. I knew kids
like this growing up. Most of them ate paste, sat in the front of the
bus, and got me in trouble.

#9- Grape Ape- A real moron. All he knows how to say is his name. And
he does so non-stop for a half an hour. I’d rather watch “Davey and
Goliath covet heir neighbors model airplane.”

#8- Olive Oyl- Am I the only one out there who thought this was one lady
NOT worth fighting over? And that’s what they did every episode! She
talks like Edith Bunker and looks like a pipe cleaner with a cheap hat.
Hey, Popeye, you’re a sailor… you can do better! Plus Olive can
never decide if she wants to date that jerk Brutus or not. The girl is
just bad news.

#7- Petunia Pig- Remember her? Porky’s girlfriend? She was a real
zero. What was the point of her anyway? To make Porky look good? Come
on, who did they think they’re fooling. We all know Porky is gay.

#6- Pebbles & Bam-Bam, as teenagers- What were they thinking? Were they
trying to cash in on the “Joanie loves Chachi” thing? And how come
every cartoon teenager plays in crumby rock band? An awful -and
thankfully shortlived- idea.

#5- Pepe LePew- Hello, Warner Brothers, ever heard of sexual harassment?
Let’s take a good look at this character; a horny, rapist skunk who’s
attracted to other species! NOT good for the kids. Plus, worse still,
he’s French.

#4- Alan, from Josie and the Pussy Cats- How weak was this “Fred”
clone? They even gave him an ascot, for crying out loud. Well, I knew
Fred. I grew up with Fred. Fred was like a friend of mine. Let me
tell you something… you’re no Fred.

#3- Zan and Zana, the Wondertwins- How many times do we have to say it?
Leave the crimefighting to the professionals! “Form of… an idiot!”
They should have been voted out of the Hall of Justice a long time ago.
There’s no room for dead weight in this game.

#2- Kazoo, from the Flintstones- It’s like “Hmmm, a miniature, green
spaceman who appears only to Fred Flintstone isn’t enough of a stretch.
I know! Let’s give him a snotty London accent!” Um, could I get a drug
test from Hanna Barbara, please?

#1- Scrappy Doo- And, really, who else COULD it be? This guy ruined
Scooby Doo! Just came in and ruined it! Scrappy is the Yoko Ono of
Saturday morning cartoons. I can’t even talk about it anymore. It’s
too upsetting.

Recently, all the dogs were stolen from the local pound.
Police have no leads.

All the toilets were stolen from Police HQ last night.
Police have nothing to go on.

A hole was discovered in the nudist colony fence recently.
Police are looking into it.

one day mr Jones the army mans wife died

the commander told sargent paul fisher to tell mr Jones

he went up to Jones and said Jones ya wifes died. and marched
off leaving Jones crying

The commander said to Sarge Fisher that was harsh mabey if
something happens again be a little more softer.

next day Egans dad died

Commander told Fisher to tell him nicer than last time

so Fisher went to the whole army and said all those with a dad
take one step back…Where do you think your going Egan?