Category: military

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, “Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!”

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

“Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also took a dump in your pants.”

why did saddam kill his wife?
he looked up her dress and saw a big bush!!

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a
shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After
the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told
the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and
said, “Because I don’t believe you are over 21.” The robber said
he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he
didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his driver’s
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store
with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

Q. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A. One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with
…the other is used to carry groceries.

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there

for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel.

The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, “So is that how the other men do it?”

One of the men responded, “No we usually just use the camel to ride into town.”

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?” Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

My army unit was so tough…
How tough was it?

It was so tough, the drill sergent used to wear a wig.

What’s so tough about that?

He used to keep it on with a nail.

Did you hear that Captain Hook died from jock itch?

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.

He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.”

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

“Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?”

“Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.

“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The
officer wants to ask her a few questions…

Officer: What’s 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!

Officer: What’s the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm… 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back
tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks
her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only
did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in
battle.

Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his
bedside. “So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?”

The doctor says, “Son, we have some good news and some bad news.”

“Yeah, what?” replies the patient.

“Well the good news is that we were able to save your private
parts.”

“Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?”

“We put them under your pillow!”

In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay
for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you’re just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from
the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to
bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any
time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have managers.