Category: military

A gandpa and his grandson are driving to the mall when the
grandpa says, “Uh, oh I just made an illegal right turn!” His
grandson says, “That’s okay grandpa the cop behind you did the
same thing!”

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
“How are we faring?” asks the king.

“Sire,” replies the knight, “I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west.”

“What?!” shrieks the king. “I don’t have any enemies to the west!”

“Oh,” says the knight. “Well, you do now.”

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered “Star Wars”

15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.

14. He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader’s seems to have helped his breathing immensely.

13. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.

12. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to “Use the Fifth, Luke.”

11. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba’s big brother, Pizza the Hut.

10. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

9. C3PO has a conspicuous “Intel Inside” sticker on his shiny brass ass.

8. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin’ goatees.

7. New scene where Luke shakes JFK’s hand and tells him he has
to pee.

6. Jabba the Butt-head saying, “Hehe…hehe…she said, ‘Lay ya.'”

5. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how “Han Solo” got his name.

4. During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2’s special attachment.

3. Anti -fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.

2. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.

…and the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered “Star Wars”…

1. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

Joke found on http://www.jokedepot.com

“Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers
lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That’s what they’re there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, “fly right” and be serious!

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

One day these 3 guys where walking down the street when they
spotted this bar. They went in and had a couple of drinks. The
next morning they woke up and decided to go to that bar again
but they didn’t know what it was called so they decided to call
it “Suzie’s Legs”. When they got there the cops asked them what
are you doing here so early? They said waiting for “Suzie’s Legs
to open so we can get a drink”

When pulled over by a police officer, if the officer says, “Gee
you eyes look red, have you been drinking?”

The incorrect answer would be, “Gee officer your eyes look
glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson’s ranch know when
it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, “Honey, I want you to know that I haven’t wasted all this time alone. Instead, I’ve mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!”

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

“Now watch,” he said. Next he said, “Dick, ten-HUT!” And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, “Dick, at EASE!”
And his dick deflated again.

“Wow, that was amazing,” said his wife. “Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It’s really something else!”

The guy responded that he didn’t mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy’s full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, “Now watch this.” Then he said “Dick, ten-HUT!” and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was “Dick, at EASE!” But nothing happened. So the guy again said, “Dick, at EASE!” But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, “For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!” Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

“What in the world are you doing!?” she asked.

The guy says…
“I’m givin’ this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!”

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: “Pierre, kiss me!”

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?”, says the startled Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!” She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing?”, asks the bewildered Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!”

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!”

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!”

The General shouted to his troops, “Onward To Victory”!
About 30 minutes later, an urgent message reached him……. “Need Further Instructions, Victory not on map”!

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:”Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.” EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:”By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.” COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT: “By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.” LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT: “Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley’s comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area.” SERGEANT TO SQUAD: “When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.”

A blonde was walking down the street with her boob hanging out
of her shirt. A police stopped her, pointed at her breasts and
said, “Ma’am I’m afraid I’m going to have do arrest you for
indecent exposure.” She looked down, thought for a minute, and
then screamed, “Oh no! I left my baby on the bus!”