Category: military

Note this is an exact replication of National Public Radio
interview between a female broadcaster and US Army General
Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your post?

GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t
it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly
supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them
proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent
killers !

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but
you’re not one…… are you?

Q. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A. Cough, gag, choke, etc.

A cop pulls a guy over. The guy gets out and asks, “What’s wrong
officer?”

The cop replys, “I see your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been
drinking?”

The guy looks at the cop and says, “I see your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating donuts?”

A man is caught trying to rob a bank and sent to court. His
lawyer comes up with a novel strategy.

The lawyer explains, “Your honor, this man’s whole body was not
involved in the crime. It was only his arm that did this act.
Therefore, his whole body should not be punished.”

The judge responds, “By your logic, I sentence your arm to
twenty years in jail. You may accompany it if you wish.” The
defendant then smiles, sets his artificial limb on the table, and
walks off.

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. Well, one day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the Officer’s Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”

“But we’re privates,” protests Jasper.

“We’re sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside.

“Now, Jasper, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.

“You blind?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’re sergeants now.”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

“Your cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what ‘gonorrhea’ means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

“Jasper,” he says, “why’d you give me the okay?”

“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates. ” He points to his stripes. . . . “But we’re sergeants now.”

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who
to invade next when his telephone rang.

“Hallo! Mr. Hussein,” a heavily-accented voice said.
“This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Yitzhak,” Saddam replied, “This is important
news! Tell me, how big is your army?”

“At this moment in time,” said Yitzhak after a
moment’s calculation, “there is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door
neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinochle team from the deli —
that makes eight!”

Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have
1million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Oy vey!”, said Yitzhak, “I’ll have to ring you back!”

Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. “Right,
Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire
some equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?” Saddam asked.

“Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and
Goldberg’s tractor from the kibbutz.”

Once more Saddam sighed. “I must tell you, Yitzhak,
that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel
carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million
since we last spoke.”

“Really?!” said Yitzhak, “I’ll have to ring you back!”
Sure enough, Yitzhak rang again the next day. “Right, Mr.
Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne! We’ve modified Moshe’s ultralight with a couple of
rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as
well!”

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. “I must
tell you Yitzhak that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand
MIG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by
laser-uided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last
spoke, my army has increased to two million.”

“Oy gevalt!”, said Yitzhak, “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Yitzhak called again the next day.
“Right, Mr Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war.”

“I’m sorry to hear that” said Saddam. “Why the sudden change of
heart?”

“Well,” said Yitzhak, “We’ve all had a chat, and there’s no way
we can feed two million prisoners.

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

“Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back
garden. When is the best time to plant it?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail,
replied in a letter:

“Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That
is where I hid all the money.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

“Dear Husband, You wouldn’t believe what happened: some men came
with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden.”

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

“Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”

This is a call that came into the 911 emergency line:

911 operator: 911 what is your emergency?

Man: Hey dude, I need an ambulance.
(static in the phone line interrupts call)

911 operator: A what?

Man: I need an ambulance. A dude just got hit by a car.

911 operator: Okay, where are you?

Man: I’m down here on Sycamore Street.
(static in the phone line becomes worse)

911 operator: Where are you? Say it again. This staic makes it hard to
understand you.

Man: I’m at Sycamore Street!
(static still continues)

911 operator: Maybe it would be easier to understand you if you spell
where you’re at.

Man: All right. S-y-c-k…no, no that ain’t right.
S-i-c-k…no…S-e…S-y. I’ll tell you what, I’ll take the dude over to
Lee Street; you can pick him up there.

The day after Christmas a mounted Police Officer sees a young
boy riding a bike. He stops the boy and asks, “Did Santa Claus
bring you that bike?” “Yes.” the little boy answered. The police
officer got off of the horse and said, “Well Santa did a bad
thing, he gave you a bike but no helmet. So I’m going to have to
give you a ticket. You’re not in any trouble, but you should
take this ticket straight home and give it to your mom or dad
and they will know what to do.”

The little boy looked really sad. As the police officer
remounted his horse the little boy asked him, “Did Santa Claus
bring you that horse?” The police officer thought to himself, I
was a little hard on the kid…. “Yes,” he replied, “Santa
brought me this horse.” “Well,” said the little boy, “you need
to take it back, it’s broken…the dick is supose to be on the
bottom.”

Don’t you hate it! When the cop pulls you over, I mean. Well,
here are some answers to those questions that you could use.
Some of them use only if you want more than just a ticket!!!!

Question 1
Do you know why I pulled you over?
a) Yes or no (obvious answers)
b) Was it because of the cocaine on my dash or the beer in my
hand?
c) Because you were cranky you missed that last doughnut shop?
d) Depends on how long you were following me. (Liar Liar)
e) Because it’s asshole day?

Question 2
Do you know how fast you were going?
a) Yes or no
b) Not fast enough to outrun you!
c) No! My speedometer doesn’t go past 140.
d) You pulled me over, so YOU tell ME!
e) What is this, a test?

Question 3
Have you had anything to drink?
a) Yes or no
b) No. Got anything?
c) No Mr. Beer, I don’t have any officers tonight!
d) Not since my last drink!
e) Does the one in my hand count?

Question 4
Can I have your license and registration?
a) Make up your bloody minds!!! First you took my license away
yesterday and now you want me to show you?!?!
b) I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours!!

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up
behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying,
“Lie to me! Lie to me!”