Category: military

Two drug dealers get brought before a judge. The judge says
that if they could get others to stop selling drugs over the
weekend that they would be found innocent.
That monday the judge said to the first one how many people
did you get to stop doing drugs? He replied 15. The judge said
very good how did you do it? The reply was I drew a small circle
and a big circle and said that the small circle was your brain
after doing drugs. The Judge said ok; how about you he said
while pointing to the second guy. The reply was I got 1500
people to stop. The Judge said How in God’s name did you get so
many to stop. The guy said I also drew a big and little circle
and said that the little circle was your asshole before jail.

The day after a man lost his wife in a boating accident, he was
greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. “We’re sorry to
call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some
information about your wife.” “Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news and
some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news
first.” So the policeman said, “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but
this morning we found your wife’s body in San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my god!” said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then,
remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the
good news?” “Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up
she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness
crabs on her.”

“If that’s the good news than what’s the great news?!” Mr.
Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, “We’re going to pull her
up again tomorrow morning.”

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t
let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs
to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. “First, you must wear a
diaphragm.” Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?”
“You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin.” Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed
hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn’t show up. Finally, at 5 a.m.,
Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. “Where
have you been?” demands the fairygodmother. “Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”
“I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”
“I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”
“I can’t remember, exactly …Peter Peter,something or other….”

There is a war going on and the Americans control one side of a
river and the Japanese control the other side. There is an
American soldier patrolling one side of the river and a Japanese
on the other. Every day at the same time the American and the
Japanese meet at the same spot, and the two are always trying to
talk but they can’t understand what each other are saying.

So one day the Japanese soldier makes a motion that resembled
the sun rising over a mountain. So the American says, “Ya the
sun rising over the mountain, but I don’t understand what you
are talking about.” So the two keep walking. The next day the
Japanese makes a swimming motion to the American, so the
American says, “Ya swimming but I still don’t understand what
you are talking about.” So they keep on walking.

The next day they meet and the Japanese makes motions like a
river, and the American says, “Ya the river but I still don’t
know what you are talking about.” So the two keep walking. The
next day the Japanese puts two of his fingers in a circle made
from his fingers. So the American says, “Ya dig a hole but I
still have no clue what you are talking about.” So they keep
walking.

The next day they meet and the Japanese makes a motion like his
eyes are popping out. So the American goes, “Oh shit!” and takes
off running to his General. Once he gets there he says to his
General. “General, General, the Japanese on the other side of
the river says that tomorrow when the sun rises over the
mountain he is going to swim across the river, and fuck me up
the ass till my eyes pop out.”

A bloke gets pulled up for speeding. Being about 10 Km’s over
the speed limit, the cop announces that the guy will be fined
$200. Naturally, the bloke isn’t very happy.

“What if I got outta this car and beat the shit out of you? What
would happen to me?” he said. The police officer explained that
such an action is called “Assaulting a police officer” and could
result in imprisonment.

“Okay then,” says the bloke, “What if I call you a cunt?”

The cop then explains that this action is called “Insulting a
police officer” and results in a hefty fine.

“Right” says the bloke, “What about if I think you’re a cunt?”

The officer explains that thinking is not against the law, and
freedom of thought permitted anyone to think anything they liked.

The bloke thought for a minute and said, “Well I think you’re a
cunt!”

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

“Dear Mary,

I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!”

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, “What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?”

She replied with a wicked smile, “Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?”

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he’s got a purple heart on!”

His mother replied, “I don’t give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses’ for a couple hours.”

The Irish RAF stormed the RSPCA. They went to kill the five
Afgans held there.

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks –
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic syphilis, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front lines, Sir!”
“Good man!” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic piles, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get back to the front lines, Sir!”
“Good man!” says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
“What’s your problem, Soldier?”
“Chronic gum disease, Sir!”
“What treatment are you getting?”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!”
“What’s your ambition?”
“To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two – Sir!”

Bin laden was found yesterday.
he was hiding behind the cookie shop
with the afgans