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A military pilot urgently called ATC for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” His one engine was shutting down.
ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 bomber that had one of his eight engines shut down.
“Ah,” the pilot remarked, “the dreaded seven-engine approach!”
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: ATTACK OR RETREAT?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken
and considerable damage. There’s no sign of the offending
vehicle but he’s relieved to see that there’s a note stuck under
the windshield wiper.
“Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think
I’m leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I’m not.”
Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by
a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with
his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, “Why’d you do that?
The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you’ll have your license ready.”
Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”
The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean.
He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his
window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”
The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”
The passenger says, “Huh?”
The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna
say, ‘I wish that guy would’ve tried that crap with me!'”
Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.
To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: “Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing ‘Wild Blue Yonder’, and then jump off!”
“YES SIR!” replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.
The general dismisses him. “Now that’s bravery!” exclaims the general.
“Ah, that’s nothing,” says the Admiral, “Seaman!” A seaman appears, “YES, SIR!!” “Take this weapon,” as he offers him an M14, “Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing ‘Anchors Aweigh.’ Salute each of us, and jump off.
“YES SIR!!” replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.
“Now that’s courage!” says the admiral.
“Courage, nothin'” snorts the Army general. “Get over here, private!”
“YES SIR!!” replies the private.
“Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first.”
“YES SIR!!” replies the private, and completes the task.
“Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!”
They all look to the Marine. “Private,” he says.
“YES SIR!!”
“Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing ‘The Halls of Montezuma’, put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst.”
The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, “FUCK YOU SIR!!”
The general turns to the others and says, “Now THAT’S bravery!”
The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions — age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
‘Oh,’ he mused, ‘It was 1945.’
‘Isn’t that a long time to go without sex?’ the doctor asked.
‘I don’t think so. According to your clock it’s only 21:13’
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
“Dear Mary,
I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!”
A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.
Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.
Claymores are labeled “This side toward enemy” for a reason.
Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
If it’s stupid but works, it really isn’t stupid.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.
If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
The easy way is always mined.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
a. When you’re not ready for them.
b. When you’re ready for them.
Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
When in doubt empty the magazine.
IN IRAQ ONE NIGHT AMERICAN ARMY HAD REPORT THERE IS BUNCH OF FEDAYEAN HIDE TO AMBUSH THE ARMY, SARGENT SEND A GROUP TO CAPTURE THEM OR KILL THEM FOR GOOD. THEY WENT ON DARK AND WAIT TO SEE IF THERE IS ANY MOVEMENTS BUT NOTHING THEN THEY PLANED SOMETHING TO CACH THEM. THEY SOURANDED THE AREA AND ONE GUYS FROM WEST WITH LOUD SPEKER SAID HEY MOHAMAD, ABOUT TEN IRAQI NAMED MOHAMAD RAISE AND SAID YES THEN WITH SILENCE GUN AMERICAN SHOOT THEM, ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER ANOTHER GUYS FROM SOUTH CALL HEY ABDOLHOUSSIN THEN ANOTHER 20 GET UP AND SAID YES THEN ANOTHER SILENCE SHOOT AND ANOTHER GROUP DEAD FINALLY IRAQI SOLDER BECOME SMART AND THEY TRY TO DO THE SAME TRICK TO AMERICAN AND ONE BY ONE CALL HEY JOHN NO REPLY THEN THEY CALL AGAIN HEY ALBERT NO ONE REPLY AGAIN HEY GEORGE NOTHING HAPPEN. SO AFTER WHILE AMERICAN GO AGAIN AND SAID HOW WAS LOOKING FOR JOHN, ALBERT AND GEORGE?
THEN ALL IRAQI STAND AND SAID WE ARE AND BOOM ALL SHOOT TO DEAD WITH SILENCED GUN !!!
A Guy and his wife are riding two up along a twisty road with a
55MPH limit. Cop pulls the guy over.
“Had you going about 70 in 55 back there,” says the cop.
“Not me,” says the guy, “Could be your radar picked up someone
else or something, but my speedometer was set right on 55.”
Wife pipes up, “You were to going 70. I’ve told you 20 mile back
you were going to get stopped if you didn’t slow down.”
“Shut up would ya!” mumbles the guy.
“Can I see your proof of insurance?” asks the cop.
“Sure, my card is right here in my wallet.”
Wife says, “That card’s no good and you know it. You haven’t
paid the last premium and the company sent you a cancellation
notice.”
“Damn,” yells the guy. “Would you shut the hell up for once”
“Ma’am,” says the cop. “Does this guy always talk to you like
this?”
“Only when he’s been drinking.”
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52…F-16…B-2