Category: military

Q.What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A.Sanka

”Squawks” are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem, (S) = Solution———————————————————-(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.(S) # 2 propeller seepage normal – # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.(P) Something loose in cockpit.(S) Something tightened in cockpit.(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.(S) Evidence removed.(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.(S) Volume set to more believable level.(P) Dead bugs on windshield.(S) Live bugs on order.(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.(P) IFF inoperative.(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.(S) That’s what they’re there for.(P) Number three engine missing.(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.(P) Aircraft handles funny.(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, ”fly right,” and be serious.(P) Target Radar hums.(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

One day a man in a pickup truck was driving down the rode with a
bunch of penguins in the back of his truck a cop pulled him over
and said, “Do you know it is illegal to ride around with
penguins in the back of your truck” the man said, “What do you
suggest I do with them?” The cop said, “well, take them to the
zoo.” The man said, “Ok!”

The next day the same man was driving down the road with the
penguins in the back of his truck and the penguins had
sunglasses on. The same cop pulled him over and said, “I thought
I told you to take them to the zoo.” The man said, “I did! They
had fun and today I’m taking them to the beach.”

1. Did you hear about the dumb blonde’s wife who had triplets?
He’s out lookin for the other 2 guys

2. A dumb blonde walks in and finds her husband with another
woman. She takes out a handgun to shoot herself. Her husband
says dont do that! She says dont worry, your next!

3. A dumb blonde had a penguin in her car and was drivin down
the street when she saw a cop. He stopped her and told her to
take the penguin to the zoo. The next day she had the penguin in
her car again. The cop stopped her and asked her why she hadn’t
brought the penguin to the zoo. She explained that she did and
the penguin had a nice time visiting all the animals.

Little Johnny was playing with a pile of crap. After a while, it looked like a human. Then this sergeant walked and asked what Little Johnny was doing. “I am making an NCO” replied Little Johnny. The sergeant just shook his head and walked away. A little while later, a first sergeant walked by and asked Little Johnny what he was doing.”I am making an NCO”, replied Little Johnny.The first sergeant walked away, shaking his head. After a bit a general walked past and asked what Little Johnny was doing.”I am making and NCO” said Little Johnny.The geneeral just laughed. After he had wiped the tears away, he asked why he was making an NCO.”Not enough crap to make an officer”

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.
4. The easy way is always mined.
5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
6. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.
7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you’re ready for them. When you’re not ready for them.
8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
9. If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.
10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
11. Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
14. If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.
15. When in doubt empty the magazine.
16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.
17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing.
18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.
19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
21. Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.
22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

16> “Let the record show that the defendant has entered a plea of ‘Not guilty by
reason of oppressive tyranny.'”

15> “Seventeen consecutive life sentences? You can do that time standing on your
head, big guy! No, really.”

14> “Mr. Hussein, could you please tell the court why this goat looks at you so
fondly?”

13> “Call Rumsfeld, he’ll vouch for me.”

12> “Speaking of WMD, either we need air conditioning in this court room or
Saddam has to quit eating prison food.”

11> “Your Honor, Mr. Hussein would like to present evidence implicating the
entire state of Florida as the true architects of the recent evil.”

10> “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling
kids and that dog!”

9> “In Iraq, we understand that torture obtains information, murder instills
fear and respect, and attempted genocide puts down rebellions — but ‘Zabibah
and the King’? A completely inexcusable offense, you vile son of a dog!”

8> “We’ll drop the charges if you’d just *please* tell us where a WMD is,
preferably right before the election.”

7> “Word is that his name around the cell block is Shirley.”

6> “Would jurors number 7 and 12 please put down the RPGs?”

5> “Well, yes, he does kinda look like Billy Joel, now that you mention it.”

4> “He was found living in a hole and has been in prison ever since, yet he
*still* looks healthier than Cheney.”

3> “I would never order the deaths of my fellow citizens. However, we did
respond in self defense after an epidemic of people charged our firing squads,
single file.”

2> “Your Honor, the soldiers who found Mr. Hussein would like to apologize to
the court for not shooting him instead.”

1> “Bail is set at ‘when monkeys fly out of my butt singing show tunes.'”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

i told yo mamma she was so fat she had to play pool with the plantets

There was a fundraising event being held in the local RSA by the local Women’s Auxiliary, and the organisers had arranged for Ireland’s most decorated WWII pilot to speak to the assembled ladies. He started telling the story of a mission over France and how they were being strafed by German fire. ” I looked out in front of me” he said ” and there was three fokkers in front, and then I looked behind me, and there was three fokkers behind me, and then I looked above me, and there was two fokkers above, and then I looked below me, and there was four fokkers below” Just then the organiser, thinking that the ladies might misunderstand, and assume the ex-pilot was swearing jumped up and said “For all those who don’t know, the Fokker was a plane used by the Germans during the war” and the Irish pilot said “Yeah, but these Fokkers were Messerschmidts”

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He
later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his
car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a
photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture…of handcuffs. The
motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

A police officer was driving his patrol car down next to a beach
when he noticed a man knee deep in the water holding two red
things, he wasn’t sure what they were. The officer made his way
down the sand to meet the man standing in the water. As he
approached he noticed that the two red things were lobsters.

The officer said to the man “its illegal to be poaching for
lobsters, you know”.

“What are you talking about?” he said startled, “these are my
pet lobsters”.

“Sure they are!” replied the policeman.

“No, I’m serious. I will throw them into the waves and call them
back. They will come”.

“This I have to see”. Chuckled the officer.

So the man launched the two lobsters back into the ocean and
stood there watching them.

“I thought you said you could call those two lobsters back” said
the cop.

“Lobsters?” replied the man, “what lobsters?”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street. “But officer,” the man began “I can
explain.” “Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to
let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”

“But officer, I just wanted to say…” “I said to keep quiet!
You’re going to jail!”

A few hours later the officer looked n on his prisoner and said,
“Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll
be in a good mood when he gets back.” “Don’t count on it,”
answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”