Category: military

It seems that, late in the war in Vietnam, the CIA became displeased with the amount of cooperation they were getting from the South Vietnamese government. So, they decided to stage a coup, depose then-President Thieu, and install someone more to their liking.

A special field agent, code name “Jack,” was dispatched to meet with the Saigon bureau chief (code named “Santa”), and work out a plan. The plan was that the local agents (code names “Comet,” “Cupid,” “Donner,” and “Blitzen”) would lay the groundwork, bribing guards, setting up escape routes, and so forth.

Then, on a specified night, “Jack” would assassinate the head of the army, General Po, by releasing poison gas into the ventilation system of his residence. Following this, he would kidnap President Thieu, who was thought to have some value alive, and take him to the coast, where “Jack’s” partner, “Jill,” would be waiting with a boat to take them to an offshore submarine.

All seemed to be going according to plan. Then, on the very day the coup was to be carried out, one of the local agents was captured by the South Vietnamese secret police! “Santa” knew that this particular agent wasn’t very good at resisting torture, and would soon be screaming out all he knew. Knowing he had to work fast, “Santa” wrote up a special coded message, and had a courier get it to “Jack” immediately.

Luckily for the CIA, “Jack” received the message in time, so the plan was aborted, and a messy international incident was averted. The message “Santa” sent, after decoding, read: “Go to Jill. Go directly to Jill. Do not gas Po. Do not collect Thieu–Donner hollers.”

Proof that….

People are assholes.
Today in connetcuit a woman was standing on the side of the
bridge, ready to jump to her death. The police had to close the
bridge because a group of, one car, one truck and a busload of
people were chanting ‘jump jump jump.’ Scarcely believable, they
actually sounded pretty good

People are idiots
Two days ago on Long Island, New York, a hispanic man who had
recently robbed a few department stores had run away into the
woods while police chased him. Know what he did? Climbed a tree.
The police found him. He grabbed for something, a police officer
said, “He’s got a gun” and shot him down.

People are illiterate
Recently two men, just starting out as crooks, were robbing
vetrenary offices. Im not sure of the correct
spelling/puncuation but they found what they thought read
‘Histofetimene’ which is a new drug out that gives a ‘heroine
high simulation’ without the risk. They took it, turned up a day
later in a hospital. Turns out the drug was actually used to
‘lessen contractions during dog birth’ or something. Jackasses.

People are ignorant
A ground crew for a news station couldn’t get to the site of an
accident to report what happened because the power cord to the
camera didnt reach far enough. Needless to say, the cord went to
the van which was parked 200 feet away, a road going right
passed the accident was wide open. 5 lanes wide open.

People are computer retarded
The ‘Any Key’ phenomenon. ‘Nuff said.

People are sexually explorative
A man, several years ago, got his genetalia stuck in the filter
of his hot tub. For four hours. He was experimenting when the
sudden blockage caused the filter to goto ‘suck’ mode. Needless
to say, i got this from some medical TV show. Who could resist?

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.” The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.” The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…” “Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.” “No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop
askes for his drivers license and the guy says, “I’m sorry
officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI.”

The cop askes for his registration and the guy says, “It’s in
the glove compartment, but it’s not in my name because I stole
this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the
car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the
glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he
walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the
guy’s drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid
with the guys real name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, “It’s
in the Glove compartment.” The supervisor tells the guy to keep
his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and
opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the
guys name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk.
The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop
had told him. The guy says “I’ll bet that lying S.O.B. told you
I was speeding too!”

Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

“Hey johnson!” yelled the drill instructor, ” those are the ugliest shoes i’ve ever seen! “
“Yes, sir” the young man answered.

“Those shoes are really really ugly, right?” hollered the D.I again
“Yes, sir!”

“And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?”
“Yes, sir”, answered the recruit.
“So why didnt you get a haircut?”
“I was saving up for shoes, sir!”

Criminal #1:
This guy in New York walks into a bank and demands money. The
teller pushes the little red button below the counter that sets
off the alarm siren. When he hears it he trys to run out the
door. He trys to push it open, but it won’t move. He keeps
pushing. Still no luck. Finally the police come and arrest
him. When he is put into the cop car he realizes that the door
was a pull door instead of a push door.

Criminal #2:
This guy in San Fransisco trys to rob a 7-Eleven. He walks in
and points his gun at the cashier. When he notices the cashier
isn’t looking he sets his gun down on the counter and he trys to
get a date with this hot woman standing next to him. After he
gets rejected, he looks back at the cashier he sees the barrel
of his gun pointing at his head. he runs like no other out the
door and the cashier shoots him in the knee. The police come
shortly after that and arrest him.

Criminal #3:
This guy walks into a bank and asks the teller for money. The
teller cooperates and hands him a bag of money. The teller
immediately calls the cops. He runs out of the bank feeling
pretty good about his successful robbery. When he gets to his
getaway car he realizes he doesn’t have his car keys. He runs
back into the bank and finds his keys on the counter. The
teller and all the customers in the bank are on the ground
laughing. He grabs his keys and runs back out the door to find
the cops pulling into the parking lot. he is immediately
arrested.

Criminal #4:
This guy walks into a bank and demands for money. the cashier
goes into the vault to get some money. when she returns she
pushes a button to a steel door overhead of the tellers windows.
the robber tries to dive under the doors but gets caught
inbetween them. he is winsing in pain because he has broken
all his ribs and the tellers are punching him in the face. when
the police arrive all they see are legs moving wildly in the air
and realize that the robber has got caught in the doors. they
take him out of the doors and take him to the hospital where he
stays for 3 days recovering while strappred to his hospital bed.
he later goes to jail for 5 years.

Crimnal #5
This robber walks into a Co-Go’s not knowing that an unmarked
police man is outside. when he tries to get the money the
teller pushes the alarm button for the police. the robber tries
to make a run for it but sees a shopping cart comming at him he
tries to jump it but gets caught in it instead and flips over.
the unmarked police man that he did not notice had pushed that
cart at him. he was taken away buy the police man and put in
jail.

Criminal #6
These 2 teens in england had been goin around robbing Cd stores.
Their plan was that one man would go in the store, sneak out
with the goods, and his partner would drive the getaway car up
to the front of the building where the first guy would jump in
and they would drive away. the police had a hard time figuring
out the case because there was no witnesses or finger prints.
All they could do was step up the patrols in the area. one
night while these two cops were waiting in front of a store
lookin for clues, a guy jumps in the back seat and yells,”Hit
it, go!” the two cops look at each other a little confused and
obeyed driving right to the police station. It turns out that
the guy who jumped in the cop car was nearsighted and mistaked
the cop car for the getaway car. the police later arrested the
second criminal.

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk
the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said
“Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my
panties! We have to go back to the station to get them.”

George replied, “We don’t have to go back, just give Fido, my
trusty police dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you.”

It was a hot day, and Mary didn’t feel like heading back to the
station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido’s nose shoots
between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of
sniffing, Fido’s ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off
in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The
sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen
police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant’s
balls in his mouth!

This man comes to the Pearly Gates and is a little confused as to whereto report to God to get a determination on Heaven or Hell. He sees one sign that says: “For Women” and then notices a sign that says: “For Men.”

As he approaches the aisle for men, he sees one window with a sign: “For men who were dominated by women in life”. The line of men standing in that line was very long.

Then he saw another sign that said :”For men who dominated women.” He went to the second window and was the only one in the line.

At the window, God approached him and remarked, “Wow, I have not had a man stand in this line for over a hundred years – you must be a tough person.”

“Well no,” he replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

A seargent is interviewing three cadets who were training to
become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture for 5 seconds and
then hides it.

“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The first
cadet answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!” The seargent says, “Well…uh…that’s
because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the
picture for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, “This is
your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second cadet smiles, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to
catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?
Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a
picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can
come up with?!”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the
third cadet and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think
hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The cadet looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
“The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The seargent is surprised and speechless because he really
doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

“Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes
while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He
leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s
file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face. “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in
fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make
such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the cadet replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear.”

Q. What do the TV shows ‘Green Acres’ and ‘Roseanne’ have in common?
A. A pig named Arnold.

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”
“No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked.

“This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

“1956,” was his immediate reply.

“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Honey, you need to get out more.”

“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch. “It’s only 2014 now.”