Category: military

Heard over The US Armed Forces Radio Station, Okinawa, in 1959.”HELLLLLLOOOOOO Okinawa!!!!!For all you civilian employees the time is now 4:30.For you guys in the Army and Air Force that’s 1630 hours.For you guys in the Navy that’s 8 bells.For you Marines…..the big hand is on the 6 and the little hand is right in between the 4 and 5.”

Where does president bush keep his c.d.s?

in iraq (you have to say it out loud)

An army soldiers’ sergeant told him to stay where he was and do not move no matter what! In a minute a group of the enemies came charging he stayed where he was. In another there was a search light. it passed right over him! but he didn’t move. Suddenly he takes off running down the battle area. when the sergeant found him he asked, ” what in gods name where you doing?” He answered,” well when the enemies ran right by me and i didn’t move, when the search light passed right over me, but when those two squirrels walked between my legs and said, ‘lets eat one and leave the other for later,’ I wasn’t about to stick around and see what happened!”

My friend was once driving around in Baltimore, and he was lost.
Consequently, he didn’t see a stop sign in time and he only
managed to slow down. As luck would have it, a policeman saw him
and pulled him over.

The officer asked, “Are you aware you just ran that stop sign?”

My friend replied, “Yes, officer. But I can explain. I’m lost,
and I didn’t see it. But I slowed down. Did you see me slow
down?”

My friend tried for a little while longer to explain that he was
lost and was very insistent upon the fact that he slowed down.

Finally, the officer took out his flashlight and began hitting
it against his hand.

“Son,” he said slowly, “If I was beating you over the head with
this flashlight, would you want me to stop, or would you want me
to SLOW DOWN?!”

All About Scooby-Doo.

What We Remember:

Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their
purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort–and in the process
meet all kinds of interesting people.

The Truth:

Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the
country in their psychedelic love machine, earning their way by selling
drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guy’s mask off to solve a
mystery,.. but even then, it starts to become apparent that those kids
always seem to ‘find’ trouble.

It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence:
Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current
‘grunge’ scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is
obviously a ‘burner’, i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is
constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole.

And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke
joints, Scooby gets his ‘high’ from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact
Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a
Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever
they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time.

The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that
Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it
helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world–they
drove to China once). These other characters do have their own
peculiarities however…

Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go ‘solve
the case’ by themselves. It’s no real mystery what these two are really
doing–they’re getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine.

Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping
uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that
remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf
around his neck.

And what about Velma? Everyone’s least favorite of the cast, was of
course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was
also into bestiality. Where do you think Scrappy-Doo came from?
Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a
product of Velma and Scooby.

So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world,
slingin’ dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and screwin’
their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect ‘hit’.

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
‘1956,’ was his immediate reply.

‘No wonder you look so uptight!’ she exclaimed. ‘Honey, you need to get out more.’

‘I’m not sure I understand you,’ he answered, glancing at his watch. ‘It’s only 2014 now.’

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, “What’s the matter, baby?”

Pinocchio’s girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, “You’re probably the best guy I’ve ever met– but every time we make love, you give me splinters.”

This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. As Pinocchio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto suggested that sandpaper might be able to “smooth” out Pinocchio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio’s graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio’s problems.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, “So Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls”.

To which Pinocchio’s replied, “GIRLS? WHO NEEDS GIRLS???”

there is three soliders and they all want to go home. so the capitin says who ever can bring back the most ping pong balls wins and gets to go home. so the first solider goes out for about 1 hour and comes back with a wheel barrow full of ping pong balls. so the capitin says good job solider. the second solider goes out and is gone for 8 hours and comes back with a diesl trailer full of ping pong balls. capitin says great job solider. so the third solider leaves and comes back 30 minutes later bruised and beat up and bleeding and he has a sack over his sholder.

Capitin goes where are your ping pong balls!!

Solider goes ping pong balls i thought you said king kongs balls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q. Did you hear about Delta Burke’s tragic suicide attempt?
A. She tried to harpoon herself.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!” So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked “How did you do it?” “Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, “Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!”

Did you here about the girl I save from being raped in the Ames
parking lot?

You know how I did it?

I stopped following her.

Twas the night before Payback…

‘Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama’s been praying, he’s down on his knees,
He’s hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we’d fall and shatter,
But all that he’s done is just make us madder.
We haven’t yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we’ll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.

And yes we remember the USS Cole,
And the lives of our sailors that you bastards stole.
You think you can rule us and cause us to fear,
You’ll soon get the answer if you live to hear.

And we ain’t forgotten your buddy Saddam,
And he ain’t forgotten the sound of our bombs.
You think that those mountains are somewhere to hide,
They’ll go down in history as the place where you died.

Remember Khadhafi and his line of death?
He came very close, to his final breath.
So come out and prove it, that you are a man,
Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

They are our Fathers and they are our Sons,
And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.
They would have stayed home, with Children and Wives,
Till you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama I wrote this especially for you,
For air mail delivery by B-52.
You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming, attached to a missile.

I won’t be sorry to see your cowardly ass go,
It’s Red, White, and Blue that’s running this show!