Category: military

What’s long and hard and full of seamen?

A submarine.

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would
personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of
our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base
be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15
Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just
stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and
introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked,
“Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get
him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!” The
aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked,”What skills
to you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the
Air Force, what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we
don’t need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “Dang it, I have to chop
it before he can pile it!”

10. When you enter the city, your dress whites instantly turn jet black

9. Ever since Disney took over times square, all the hookers are dressed like “Goofy”

8. Ship’s propellers always getting jammed with floating mob corpses

7. When you hear “Hello Sailor!” it’s almost always in a baritone voice

6. Guys in street shouting “yo-ho-ho and a vial of crack”

5. Everyone just assumes you bought your uniform at a costume shop in the village

4. Smart-Aleck kids keep calling you popeye

3. Have to drink lots of overpriced alcohol to get that great seasick feeling

2. When a cabbie returns your salute he only uses one finger

1. You spend a week’s pay on one lapdance

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, I didn’t realize that my radar detector wasn’t on.

3. Aren’t you the guy from the village people?

4. Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a
cop.

6. Bad cop! No donut!

7. You’re gonna check the trunk, aren’t you?

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high
school.

9. I pay your salary.

10. That’s terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

11. Is that a 9mm? It’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You’re a trained
specialist.

13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us
does.

14. That gut doesn’t inspire too much confidence, bet I can
outrun you.

15. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to
work at McDonalds?

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around – that’s how far
they are ahead of me.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun
fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas
pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, I’ve got good news and bad news.
First the good news. Today we’re going to change our underwear.

The troops start cheering wildly. Now the bad news, continues the Sarge. Smith, you change with Jones.

Andrews, you change with Murphy . . .

One day a bus load of kids went for a field trip. One of the
kids went into the sherrif’s office and saw a picture of a man
with a wanted sign under it. The kid asked the sherrif, “Is that
a real picture of the wanted person?” The sherrif said, “Yes it
is.” Then the kid asked, “Well, why didn’t you put him in jail
when you took his picture?”

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKenzie asks:”So how are your men?””Very well trained, General. McKenzie.””I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they’re the bravest men all over the country.””Well, my men are very brave, too.””I’d like to see that.”So Marshall calls private Cooper and says:”Private Cooper! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!””Are you fucking crazy? It’d kill me, you asshole! I’m out of here!”As private Cooper ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: “You see? You have to be pretty damn brave to talk like that to a general.”

A hillbilly cop was driving along, when he came across this
massive car crash. Both cars were totalled, and it was clear all
the occupants had been killed. The cop approached the wrecks,
and a monkey clambers out. “If only you could talk.” mutters the
cop. Suddenly, the monkey nods its its head! “You can understand
me?” asked the hillbilly.

“Yes.” nods the monkey.
“What were you’re owners doin’, boy?”
“Drinking.” montions the monkey.
“They was drinkin’ alcohol?” says the cop.
“And smoking” motions the monkey.
“And smokin’ marij-uana?”
The monkey nods.
“Geez, say the cop, and what were you doin’?”
The monkey motions “Driving!”

A marine and a sailor were taking a piss in a bathroom. The
marine goes to leave without washing his hands.

“In the navy, they teach us to wash our hands.”

“In the marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands!”

yo momma so fat she bunjy jumped off a bridge and went straight to hell.

3 guys were walking on the beach, George Bush, Osama Bin Laden,
and this random guy. All of a sudden this geenie pops up and
says, “I’ll give you each 1 wish.” So the random guy went first,
“I wish I was the richest guy on earth.” OK, done,” says the
geenie. Then Osama Bin Laden went, “I wish that I had this very
big wall around my country,” “OK, done, says the geenie.” Now
for George Bush.”So tell me about this wall,” says George.
“Well, it’s 500 feet tall and 500 feet wide.” says the geenie.
“OK, fill it up with water.”

Once there were two brothers Shutup and Trouble. One day Trouble
got lost so Shutup went to find him. So as Shutup is driving
down the street an officer pulls him over.

Officer: “You were speeding what’s your name?”

Shutup: “Shutup”

Officer: “That it I’ll give you one more chance. What’s your name?”

Shutup: “Shutup”

Officer: “Are you looking for trouble?”

Shutup: “Yeah do you know where he is?”